No words.

I'm having a rough day.  I feel empty.  Something is lacking.  As usual, I have no ideas, no reasons for why I feel this way.  When I have a bad day like this and there is no reason for how I feel, it seems like some part of me that I'm unaware of is in control. 

I have no words for this.  I can't even think straight.  It takes a great deal of effort just to put together a coherent sentence. 

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

My mom is a headcase.

Good morning! Today I am wearing boots, a convertible dress by Lapis, and studded faux-leather accessories.  To sum it up, I look haute :) Despite the incessant quarreling with my mother, I'm actually in a pretty good mood today.

Last night at 11:30 pm my mother came storming into my room saying "Where is your cell phone? Where is your cell phone?!" I was rather crabby about being so rudely woken up. 
"Why?" I said, "What do you want it for?"
"I want it to be downstairs, just give it to me," she hissed.
"It's in  my backpack," I said, and started to look for it.  It was actually sitting on top of the stack of books I have beside my bed, and I picked it up and gave it to her. 
"You little liar!"  She was practically growling at me.  "It wasn't in your backpack!"  She stormed downstairs with my phone in her hand. 

Are you confused yet? Because at this point, I certainly was.  I didn't know why the hell my mom was so set on putting my cellphone downstairs.  I certainly wasn't happy that she had woken me up in the middle of the night to take my cell phone from me for no apparent reason and call me a liar. 

I got out of bed and waited for her to come back upstairs.  When she came stomping back up to her room (it's a wonder my dad managed to sleep through this episode) I stood in the doorway and said, "I am not a liar."
"Your phone was in your hand! It wasn't in your backpack!" She said. 
"It was on the floor next to my backpack! I'm sorry it wasn't inside my bag, I forgot that I left it out.  What did you take it for?"
She just went back to bed without answering me.  I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep again. 

If anyone has any idea what the fuck went down last night, please enlighten me because I am so confused!  I wasn't using my cell phone, I was sleeping, so I don't know why she took my phone away.  This morning she didn't talk to me much, but she acted like nothing had happened.  I know she wasn't sleep walking.  She was very awake, and very pissy.  I just don't understand why.  She keeps getting angry at me for stupid little things, or for no reason at all.  I'm really sick of it and I cannot wait to move out in a few months! 

My mom is fucking mental. That's all I have to say.

Bonnie

When I was still a part of the Catholic church I had a fabulous confirmation teacher.  Due to my pent up, secret anger with God and disbelief that God existed I clammed up and didn't allow her to teach me much about my faith.  Outside of the church, however, she was a huge inspiration to me.  She, like me, had also struggled with an eating disorder in her past, and was familiar with the misery of mental illness. I used to go for long walks on summer evenings and would "coincidentally" end up at her house.  She could usually be found out in her front garden with her dog and cat enjoying the weather.  We stood outside in front of her house and had long conversations about mental illness, faith, our interests, and homophobia in the church.  She helped me through hard times.  She was always there to give me a hug when I needed it, she understood my pain but she also understood my creativity and encouraged me to put it to use when I needed emotional release. 

Unfortunately, her mental illness came back to plague her.  For nearly a year now, I have not spoken to her or heard from her.  I don't even know if she ever leaves her house anymore.  When I've tried to contact her, she says she has too many mental & physical health issues to reach out to anyone and that she is focusing all her energy on getting well and taking care of her family.  I understand and respect her decision to pull away from her social life to focus on what's really important to her, but at the same time I can't deny the fact that I miss her so much.  My heart is breaking for her because she means the world to me and I can't stand to imagine how much pain she is in. 

I saw her tonight - just a glimpse when I walked past her house with my aunt's dog.  Her hair is longer.  I can't tell if she's thinner or not.  She turned around for a moment before walking behind her house and I don't know if she saw me or recognized me.  I really wanted to yell her name, make her see me, and insist on giving her a hug; a healing embrace.  I have to respect her needs, though. 

I might write a letter, just to let her know what's going on in my world and remind her how much she means to me, and let her know I'm thinking of her and praying for her.  There's so much I want to tell her.  I want to share the news of my new found love with her, let her see my blue hair as well as show her photos of when my hair was purple.  I want to let her know I'm here for her, I will listen, and that she is worth the world to me.  It's very hard to let go and wait for her to come to me. 

I plan on inviting her to my graduation party.  I really hope she comes.

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

Spoiler Alert: Hunger Games

My mental health is taking a turn for the worst.  I went to church yesterday, and normally I am elated to be there.  I love going to church; it's my favorite place to be.  I wasn't as excited as usual, though.  Just relieved.  I felt tired.  During service I cried.  Kayla put her arm around me and I cried harder.  What is it about affection & touch that makes my heart and spine feel electrocuted?  When people show concern or care for me I feel like I'm having a little 2-second heart attack. 
 

I saw my girlfriend last night.  She came with me to youth group and we went out to eat.  I was struggling to eat, which I know was hard for her to witness.  She thinks I purged, too, but I didn't.  I want her to believe me and trust me when I tell her I'm trying my hardest to get better for her. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be putting nearly so much effort into recovery. It's exhausting. 

I got to go see the Hunger Games yesterday.  It was really good!  There were a lot of details that didn't match up with the book, but other than that it was a fabulous movie.  It was terrifying yet moving to see all those kids simultaneously killing each other and banding together to protect each other.  My favorite scene was when Katniss laid Rue to rest with a bouquet of Queen Anne's Lace in her hands and blue & purple Lupins framing her face.  Katniss's compassion for the little girl and her three-finger salute to District 11brought me to tears.  I wish Rue could have made it out alive with Peeta and Katniss.  :(

Sia - I'm In Here

Emmaus at Peace

Here is a drawing of me holding a 6-week old baby at church.  He's so precious and warm and tiny.  Last Sunday I got to hold him for half an hour while he slept, and it was wonderful.  I love the little squawks and baby grunts he makes in his sleep.  :)  It's so calming to have a tiny body curled up and sleeping on your chest.  I sang the lullaby my mom made up for me to him. Usually I can't remember it except for a vague semblance of the tune, but when I sang to baby Emmaus I magically remembered all the words. 

Jesus bless you, Emmaus
While you're fast asleep
You'll awake to loving smiles
Sunshine rays & cloudy days
And I pray your whole life through
Angels will watch over you
Loving you the way I do,
My Emmaus sleep well

...and he cooed and gurgled at me in his sleep.  I thought I'd share that little bit of bliss with you.

In other news, my girlfriend and I are taking a "break" now.  I posted about this yesterday as well, but I had not yet talked to her about it.  If you listen to the song "Call it off" by Tegan & Sara, you will understand my current situation.  Tegan & Sara sum it up beautifully. 

 I hope and pray that I can figure my shit out and we can stay strong until prom at the very least.  She blames herself, despite my insistence that none of this is her fault.  It's all in my head.

Today I must eat.  I must, I must, I must.  I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I need some church and some more Emmaus cuddle-time.
 

Create a beautiful day...  

Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

I loooooooove Sia!

Crisis Update

I'm having a rough week.  In the aftermath of my meltdown two weeks ago, I am struggling to keep my head above the figurative waters.  I eat only because I have to, and only when I absolutely must.  The youth pastor at my church is keeping me afloat by making sure I tell her what I eat.  Last night she called me and I was able to talk to her for a while.  The thing about not eating is that once I start restricting or fasting, it's hard for me to eat again.  Starvation for me has a snowball effect - If I skip even one meal, or restrict just a little, I think, "Why not keep going? I'm on a roll."  It's a horrible, destructive cycle.  I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. 

I also feel like my relationship is just hanging on by a thread.  My girlfriend is very loyal to me, but right now I"m not able to give back to her because of my decaying mental health.  I want her, and I want to be able to love her as much as she loves me but right now I can't.  I'm beginning to feel that our previous friendship impedes our relationship because we know each other's weaknesses and thus are too careful of each other.  I hate cutting our relationship short; I hate the idea of just throwing it away after all we've been through to get here, but I'm contemplating taking a break from the romance at the very least.  When J and I got together I thought I was ready for a relationship and that what we had could last, but lately I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

At this point, I want to forget all my problems and just focus on school, my art, and I want to create tons of art and read a lot.  That sounds fabulous! I wish it were that simple - just drop everything and relax.  It doesn't help any that I'm sitting in a library as I write this and I see so many great titles lining the walls. 

Speaking of books, I'm going to write a letter to J. K. Rowling.  I hope I hear back from her!  She is so fabulous. 

Dear readers, I hope you are having much better lives than me.  And for anyone with an eating disorder reading this, please seek help.  I know it seems like a good idea to starve right now, but in the long run you'll regret it.  If you don't regret it, it means you're dead. 

Create a beautiful day...

Dilemna

Brilliant.  I have barely eaten in the past four days.  This is just absolutely brilliant. *sarcastic voice*

Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck

Not only do I love Rooney Mara, but I fucking love this shirt, and I want one.  My day sucks.
k bye.

Uh-oh...

Today I have an appointment with a new therapist.  It's the same therapist my girlfriend sees; J suggested I try working with her. I really don't mind seeing a new therapist, and I'm excited to start working with her.  The only thing that bothers me about today is that it's my first appointment with her, which means a bit of family therapy.  I hate family therapy!! I can tell my mom is just as stressed out as I am.  She likes to play the cool, calm, in control mother and pretends to be deeply loving and comforting towards me when a doctor is watching.  In real life she's full of harsh, rude questions and everything is my fault.  I hate that.  Last night she was pissed off at me for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I'm fucked and she has to go to therapy with me today. 

In my opinion, she has it easy.  All she has to do is sit there, look nice, and give the doctor her insurance information.  I have to pass off a bunch of bullshit to my parents and sit on my hands the whole time so they won't see that I've been scratching the skin off the back of my hands.  It's not self-injury so much as it's an anxiety problem, but they wouldn't understand that.  Self injury really pisses my mom off and she tends to punish me by taking away my internet priveleges or my music when she finds out I've been hurting myself. 

As soon as my parents leave the room I can tell my therapist the truth, but I can't own up to hurting myself in my parent's presence.  My mom has seen one of the scratches on my left hand and is under the impression that it's the remnants of a blister from dripping hot water on myself by accident.  Once I start a lie like this, I have to keep it up until my hand heals and the scar is all gone.  That way they can forget about it. 

After my appointment I get to see my girlfriend for a very short bit - she has the appointment right after me, so I'll get a kiss in the waiting room before I leave. 

I love her.  I'm so relieved that I got to spend some time with her yesterday.  She came to church to me.  <3 Jessa + church = the perfect night for Sapphire.  All the things I love rolled into one. 
The bell is about to ring - I have to get to class... :P Wish me luck!

Sweaters.

The world is like a new sweater, and i'm the extra button that came in the baggie sewn to the sweater that everyone throws away or loses because they don't need it.

So here's what's up:

 My meds just stopped working out of the blue. I had the two most fantastic weeks I've had in years, and I thought I was, like, cured. But on Sunday morning I woke up and I knew it was over. I was at church camp and my pastor and I sat in a coat rack while I cried and cried and cried. I probably scared the shit out of her because I scratched through the skin on the back of my left hand and couldn't explain why I was so upset because I was crying so hard.  Also, I just didn't know why I was so upset.  I didn't know what was wrong at first.

I tried to go to school yesterday, but I just sat in front of a computer and cried for two hours ,so the counselor let me go home. I told my parents I needed to go to the ER. I didn't want to hurt myself or kill myself but I needed serious help and I didn't know what else to do. They determined that my outpatient treatment is failing, so I have to start from scratch again. New meds, new doctors, new routine. It fucking sucks.

Rebecca Blaaaaachhh

If Rebecca Black ever wins an award -- Kanye, you know what to do...

I have a question for my fellow Little Monsters

Ich schleiban austa be clair
Es kumpent madre monstere,
Aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,
Begun be uske but-bair

Ich schleiban austa be clair,
Es kumpent üske monstère,
Aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,
Fräulein uske-be clair

This is from Lady Gaga's song "Scheiße"

And I was wondering...

What the hell does it mean? I don't think it's actually German, and if it is it's in some weird dialect that i can't find anywhere online.  Are the lyrics in the liner notes of her CD perhaps? Maybe she means exactly what she says at the beginning of the song: "I don't speak German but I wish I could!" Someone should investigate this for me...