Favorite Excerpts from Willow by Julia Hoban[1]

                “You couldn’t really say that something that hurts so badly feels good exactly.  It’s more that it just feels right.  And something that feels so right just couldn’t be bad.  It has to be good.

Better than good.”

“She gets up from the bed and walks into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face.  She stares in the mirror for a few seconds, looking at herself as if she were a stranger.

Who is this?

She supposed that to anyone else she looks exactly the same as she always did, except for her hair, that is.  She doesn’t have the energy or inclination to fuss with it like she once did, so she just wears it in a braid that hangs halfway down her back.

But she doesn’t recognize herself.  Maybe her face isn’t any different, but the look in her eyes is.  Worse than dead, their expression is simply blank.  She reaches out a hand to cover them in the mirror.  She remembers the reflection that used to stare back at her.  Those eyes weren’t dead.

She had never known that she used to be happy.  It had simply never occurred to her that her life had all that she would ever need or want. 

The one thing that can make her laugh these days is how much she used to take things for granted.  In the past, little hurts, like doing badly in school, or getting dumped by a guy, really used to throw her.  How was she to know what was lying in store for her? She shakes her head at how foolish she used to be, getting upset because her favorite dress got lost at the cleaners, or something equally stupid.

Stupid!”

 

---

[1]I have altered some of the text to exclude the character’s name and generalize who may be speaking.

Musings on mental health & the Connection issue

Written 8/23/2012

It’s very strange how the mind works.  In my numerous and wild experiences with mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness.  I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to be totally joyful all of the time.  Even mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7.  The goal is not to fix everything, to make everything perfect, to never be sad again.  The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation. 

Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave (because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid).  Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the individual, their experiences, and their mental health.  Healthy minds are, to the best of my understanding, like even sine waves.  Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys.  My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.  Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating.  Other times I can count on being depressed for quite a while.  If ever my mind gains any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to, however below that of a healthier person’s mind.  Like I said earlier, stability is the goal, so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given and continue to try to focus on the positive. 

 

Seismic Wave:

 

The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur.  I am stressed out because I’m starting college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get ready.    I doubt it will be, but I am terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but academically.  In high school I was depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.  My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse.  I have to try so much harder now to be happy and focused so that I can get my work done.  College is so important to me!  This is the part of my life where maybe my dreams will start to come true.  I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up. 

I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane, and frightened I am.  I’m confused because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I have very little control over my emotions lately.  Being depressed is a given.  I have been depressed since I was a child, so I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever.  I say insane because in the unpredictability of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings.  I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this charade of perfection, health, and stability. 

Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild ride.  I woke up relatively cheerful, went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed and binged rather than having a normal lunch.  I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to me.  When I came home from the library this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself.  I decided to go downtown.  I had a marvelous time there!  I walked around the street market, ate pizza, a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my life.  I went for a ride on a bike cab, which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud.  I went home feeling blissful and well satisfied with the evening’s adventures. 

Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel miserable all over again.  I’m depressed (surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way.  I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared because I hate not knowing what will happen next.  What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and trapped in my head things can get very messy. 

The Only Title I Can Come Up With Is: "Today Sucked."

I am the kind of girl who always tries her hardest to put on a happy face, and takes off this mask only when she is sincerely unable to smile.  For people who know me, you may think that this isn't entirely true - or on the contrary you may think that I really am happy all the time.  It depends on how well you know me and how much  of my personal struggles I am willing to share with you.  Either way, I feel that most people don't have a clear perception of who I am and what I feel. 

Tonight is one of those times when I physically cannot smile.  Too often I say, "I'm okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it!" and don't let anyone know that I'm actually hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused.  I tend to let people walk all over me.  Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes its too much.  I need to write about this.  I need to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better as a result.  I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, place blame, or make anyone feel bad.  If I do, I am very sorry and I really don't mean to do so.

Ever since my first spring play, I have looked forward to being recognized as a senior in my final spring play.  The director gives each senior a card and flowers.This year was my turn for that, but I missed the boat... I went back and forth debating whether I wanted to be in the play.  I didn't try out, but got a part.  I only wanted a small part, but felt that I wasn't living up to my potential and that I would disappoint someone if I didn't take on a larger role.  So I switched from a one-liner to a more substantial supporting role of a character named Clougheïe.  I wasn't enjoying myself at practices at all.  I was depressed, self-concious, and felt like an outsider with the rest of the cast.  My depression got the best of me and I quit the play. 

Weeks later I felt bad that I wasn't a part of it anymore and went to one of the final rehearsals, hoping to put my time and talents into a backstage job.  I was assigned to helping out with makeup.  The first night of the job, several girls in the cast made it very clear to me that I was not wanted there.  They didn't think it was fair for me to quit and then come back and expect to be able to participate.  I don't blame them...

 I made sure one of the guys who was helpless with makeup got ready, and then moved on to lights.  The other kid on lights treated me like I was an idiot and when no one else was around he told me he felt good about his job with lights and curtain, but he was really worried that I was going to screw up the whole show.  That didn't make me feel very good.  I am just as capable of running sound and lights as he is. 

At the end of the show, the I went up onstage at the end of the curtain call with the other guy on lights & curtain.  There were three seniors on the stage.  Two of them were recognized, given their hug, card, and flowers.  I was not. 

I do not, in any way blame the director for forgetting about me.  It's my own damn fault because I quit.  I should have toughed my way through it even though it was hard.  I am really disappointed in myself for giving up my role.  It was a stupid move.  Yes, I remember exactly what my sadness and discomfort felt like when I was in the play, and it was awful.  I've felt like that in other plays as well, but I stuck with it in the past.  I'm furious with myself for not doing so in this case. 

I ruined this evening for myself, and I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Nothing I do works.

I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes.  I'm just there because I have to be.  I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading.  It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia.  The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream.  I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today.  I'm too upset to function, really.  I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again.  I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out.  I need to at least try to work.  When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days.  When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard.  I have goals.  If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living? 

If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor.  I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day.  I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better. 
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well.  Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset.  This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities. 

I need someone to yell at.  I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon. 

Today is a terrible day.

I'm supposed to be taking notes right now, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't care about much of anything at present.  I would give anything to be in the sanctuary at Peace church right now.  I'm tired and sad and run-down.

I miss my girlfriend.  Oh sorry, I mean ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, void.  There's a blackness in my chest that won't go away. My insatiable need for affection is eating away at me.  Having such a tremendous need makes me feel pathetic and very irritated with myself.  I'm so frustrated with this neediness, wanting, and sickness. 

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! I don't want to, but that's how I feel right now.  I have lots of good reasons for this, too, so it's hard to convince myself that it's alright, I'm alright.  I am behind in three of my six classes, and owe make-up work in two more classes.  I'm trying to ask my supports for help, but I'm talkng in circles.  It's damn near impossible for anyone to help me in the state I'm in. 

I'm really hungry.  I've been indulging in "target behaviors," whatever the hell that means...  I've been reading memoirs about anoretics, and all I've eaten today is 4 oz of fat-free yogurt.  I only ate that to appease someone who's concerned about me.  I feel really bad for making people worry about me.  I'm such a stupid, worthless piece of sh*t. 

I wish Sarah would stop staring at me.  To the students sitting around me while I'm blogging in class: Yeah, I get it. We have a ten page paper to work on, and I'm already behind schedule.  I honestly don't care, though, so leave me alone and quit looking at me like I'm a hopeless bum.  I am a hopeless bum, but it's really none of your business.

The school counselor is unavailable for the next two weeks, and I only get to go to therapy once a week.  I'm screwed. I need someone to talk to.  I need someone to help me eat.  I need a hug. 

I wonder if we have play practice tonight. I can't remember. Rachel...?

I need some serious inspiration and motivation here.  I'm going nowhere fast. 

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

I'm getting a D-?! Well, I guess that makes sense...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like the one I’m in now?  I am sitting in my A.P. Literature & Composition class.  We’ve just finished reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, or at least we are supposed to have finished reading it.  I gave up after chapter 12, so there are three chapters left, two of which are veeeerrry long.  Although I’m sure the final 83 pages in the book don’t differ very much at all from the rest of the hideously boring novel, I’m still behind.  We’ve been given an hour and a half to write two essays about the book.  I chose the easiest questions, I have a few ideas about what to write, but I simply don’t have it in me to write two, spur-of-the-moment essays right now!  Most of the class is busy flipping through the book to find (finger quotes and cheesy announcer voice) supporting evidence for their thesis in the text (end quote) or pecking away frantically on their laptops.
I know there are one or two other students in my class who gave up reading ages ago because the book is so dull.   I wonder if they’re struggling as much as me.  I don’t really think that the fact I didn’t finish reading the book has that much to do with my writers’ block, but I know that after I am FINALLY free from the confines of this classroom, I must go home and finish reading that book.  I wish I had taken notes while I was reading.  Then I would at least have twelve chapters of random thoughts so I could bullsh*t my way through these essays. 
The essays are due at the end of the day but I know I’m not going to accomplish anything.  I’ll have to turn them in late. *Gasp.* I just have to stay motivated and actually get it done – preferably sooner rather than later. 
I have this issue with not getting anything done because of my depression.  I either never start my homework because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure (so why even try?) or I intend to start and carefully plan out when I will do the work.  Sometimes I really do try to get some work done but it takes a lot of time and effort so I acquire a “what the hell” attitude and give up. 

The anorexic part of me hates this.  “Get your goddamn work done,” she says. “It’s really not that hard.  Everyone else can function perfectly fine and get all their work done on time.   Why can’t you just put in some EFFORT for once, you fat bitch?!”  My bulimia nods solemnly in agreement but doesn’t say a word.  She’s not very assertive and hates confrontation unless you feed her. 
I have loads of work to do and since I just love making lists, here’s one now:
1.       Big Picture project for online Anthropology class
2.       two sketchbook assignments for online Fine Art
3.       Federalism Timeline for Senior Social
4.       FINISH READING PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK AND WRITE THE FUCKING ESSAYS! And while I’m at it I should probably do the simile discussion response from two weeks ago.
5.       manicure / pedicure
6.       go to Hannah’s house to borrow a dress from her
7.       clean my room
8.       write to Keira (my ex-girlfriend)
9.       arrange to get a ride to and from Gay Lesbian Youth Support meeting tomorrow
So as you can see, I’m a very busy girl.  I really wish I could just get all my homework done tonight, as well as everything else on my list and then log back into my online classes and get ahead in those.  It’s always nice to be ahead.  Successful people should be ahead, wouldn’t you agree?

There are 45 minutes left of class and I should probably do something productive with that time, or at least pretend to, so I am signing off for now. 
Love,
ME

Purple Hair

I dyed my hair purple last night at a friend's house.  It was fantastic.  I had such a good time! When my I got home my parents laughed at me and took pictures of me.  I woke up this morning in an exquisite mood, knowing I would go to school and be quietly amazing, but when I got to school, lots of people wanted to talk to me.  I guess the key to people noticing me is purple hair.  I really didn't think they would care.  Well maybe this means no one will run into me in the hallway like I'm invisible today.  They do that.  They look me in the eye, then look over my head and plow right into me. 

Fuck you, Monday

I hate school. I hate my life. I want to go to sleep. FTW.

High School Monarchy

I would LOVE to go up to one of these girls wearing a tiara and a frosty smile, slap them across the face and say “Congratulations on winning the popularity contest!” It’s that time of year again, folks… as if homecoming weren’t stupid enough; we have to have Snow Week as well.  Snow Week at my school consists of five dress-up days, the election of the Snow Week king & queen, and the Snow Ball dance. 

When the ballots came out to vote for candidates for Snow Week court, I voted for all the least popular people on the class list.  I didn’t expect any of the students I voted for to win, of course, but one can always dream.  I dream of a day when the social balance is hugely disturbed and some unfortunate-looking girl with poorly colored hair and braces can put on a fancy dress and link arms with a mathlete wearing his dad’s suit. 

 

If you’re reading this, and you’re popular, I’m not really sorry for having offended you.  Don’t you think you’ve had enough?  Isn’t enough that you have the most money, the most disciples (no, they’re not really friends, they’re accessories), the prettiest face, the best hair, and the nicest clothes?  Share your glory.  Believe me, when you graduate from high school and go out into the real world, you’ll wish you had that little bit of karma on your side. 

The bullying that goes on in high school is ridiculous.  It has to stop.  Perhaps electing kings and queens for school events isn’t exactly bullying, but it certainly doesn’t make the bullied feel any better.  It just lets us know that we’re not good enough.  You know, some people didn’t even appear on the Snow Week ballot?  The student senate forgot about them.  That is so sad. 

I’m really frustrated about this, and I want to write more – hopefully I’ll get to later.  But right now, I have homework. Grr!!!

Brace yourself for the weirdest, most random blog post yet...

I was at a friend's house and her mother came into her room and gave me a great big hug. Maybe she saw it In my face, or maybe she could tell I was hanging onto her for dear life, but she rubbed my back and said, "Heyyy, it's gonna be ok.." All soft and mom-like. I adore my friend's mother.
I don't want you to think that my parents are bad, or that they don't love me. Its just that I can't seem to get enough love from them. I am constantly hungry for affection and people like her mom make me feel like it's gonna be ok. That's a rare sentiment for me. I kind of collect mothers, I guess,but I want love and care and I feel like I have a huge hole in my chest to fill. I feel so black and empty and small. I have a terrible hunger for affection. I need hugs. The Need is gnawing at my heart, hollowing out my chest. It resides where my lungs used to be and breathes its own frosty, rotting breath into me. I can hear the hollowness behind my sternum; it's a dull thud-thump. I can feel it push on the back of my rib cage and probe its fingers around muscle and bone. I need someone to hold me so I won't fall apart if this Hunger splits me in two. I can't hold myself together. So here's how I do it: I wrap my teddy bear up in my prayer shawl, and crawl into bed and squeeze him tight.  Then I pray and imagine I'm spooning with a wonderful, loving wife and I've got our child in my arms.  That is what it takes for me to be calm when I'm all alone and I don't have anyone to talk to.  I've got it all figured out. 

Does that seem weird?

I can't wait for high school to be over.  My life in high school is HELL.