Nothing I do works.

I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes.  I'm just there because I have to be.  I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading.  It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia.  The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream.  I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today.  I'm too upset to function, really.  I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again.  I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out.  I need to at least try to work.  When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days.  When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard.  I have goals.  If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living? 

If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor.  I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day.  I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better. 
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well.  Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset.  This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities. 

I need someone to yell at.  I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon. 

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

The Dreaded First Post

Good morning, fellow bloggers :)

I hate first blogs.  They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in   readers.  I don't have any ideas like that.  I just plan to write about my quirky life.  I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog. 

Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?

I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years.  I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights.  I am a lesbian.  I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer.  I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time.  I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer.  I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.

Hmmm, what else to write...

Well today I worked most of the day.  I work at a restaurant in a small town.  I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me.  Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade.  Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded.  The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin.  I can't wait to move to a big city.  I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.

I really love fashion.  I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world.  I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses!  And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing.  Using fur is just not ok.  Fur is dead.  But I'll write more about that in a later post. 
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light.  If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm.  I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help.  I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people.  But I might be able to give a little support.

Well, that's all for today, folks.  I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that.  I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo