Hmm, so this is perfectionism anxiety...

I am finding that college involves a lot of crying, sleepless nights, self-hatred, panic, and downward-spiraling of mental health.  Homework is freaking me out.   My assignments for Beginning Acting and Ballet I are pretty straight-forward and easy.  English and math, however, are a totally different story. 

I have no idea what’s going on in math.  I can do the homework, but the logistics for test taking, accountability for work time, and attendance all seem really complicated.  I’m really intimidated by the instructor, so I don’t think I’ll be asking many questions any time soon.  I don’t feel that I can ask my classmates, either.  In fact, I don’t really feel like the other students are my classmates.  We’re each in our own isolated online worlds, working at our own paces.  I feel like I’m moving too slowly because I'm really terrible at math.

There is so much to do in English!  I am juggling readings from two text books, a novel, writing assignments, online assignments, and online discussions.  With all the different books I’m reading for this class, I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much information, and I don’t know if I’m getting out of it what I am supposed to.

I haven’t even done any of the online CompClass assignments, because I’m not signed up for it yet.  I bought a used text book for the online component of the class, so I have to buy the code to sign up for the online class separately.  I won’t be ordering it until this Tuesday, and I don’t know when it will arrive.  I hate falling behind!  

Our reading assignments in the text books this week focus on revising drafts of a paper and peer reviews because we’ve just written our first paper, a literacy memoir.  The more I read about the mechanics of writing and connect it to the draft I’ve written, the more stressed out and insecure I feel.  Each sentence about sentence structure, transition, rhetoric, and thesis statements is whispering “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.” 

I don’t do well when I have to do so much in so little time.  I don’t do well without strict schedules and detailed instructions.  Math is difficult because I’m bad at it.  English is difficult because I want so badly to do everything just right.

I like to work hard and learn, but this is too much.   It’s unbalanced.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about my struggles, either, because they seem so stupid.  I’m beginning to feel very stupid, as well. 

Musings on mental health & the Connection issue

Written 8/23/2012

It’s very strange how the mind works.  In my numerous and wild experiences with mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness.  I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to be totally joyful all of the time.  Even mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7.  The goal is not to fix everything, to make everything perfect, to never be sad again.  The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation. 

Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave (because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid).  Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the individual, their experiences, and their mental health.  Healthy minds are, to the best of my understanding, like even sine waves.  Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys.  My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.  Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating.  Other times I can count on being depressed for quite a while.  If ever my mind gains any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to, however below that of a healthier person’s mind.  Like I said earlier, stability is the goal, so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given and continue to try to focus on the positive. 

 

Seismic Wave:

 

The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur.  I am stressed out because I’m starting college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get ready.    I doubt it will be, but I am terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but academically.  In high school I was depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.  My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse.  I have to try so much harder now to be happy and focused so that I can get my work done.  College is so important to me!  This is the part of my life where maybe my dreams will start to come true.  I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up. 

I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane, and frightened I am.  I’m confused because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I have very little control over my emotions lately.  Being depressed is a given.  I have been depressed since I was a child, so I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever.  I say insane because in the unpredictability of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings.  I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this charade of perfection, health, and stability. 

Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild ride.  I woke up relatively cheerful, went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed and binged rather than having a normal lunch.  I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to me.  When I came home from the library this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself.  I decided to go downtown.  I had a marvelous time there!  I walked around the street market, ate pizza, a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my life.  I went for a ride on a bike cab, which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud.  I went home feeling blissful and well satisfied with the evening’s adventures. 

Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel miserable all over again.  I’m depressed (surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way.  I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared because I hate not knowing what will happen next.  What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and trapped in my head things can get very messy. 

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

I'm getting a D-?! Well, I guess that makes sense...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like the one I’m in now?  I am sitting in my A.P. Literature & Composition class.  We’ve just finished reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, or at least we are supposed to have finished reading it.  I gave up after chapter 12, so there are three chapters left, two of which are veeeerrry long.  Although I’m sure the final 83 pages in the book don’t differ very much at all from the rest of the hideously boring novel, I’m still behind.  We’ve been given an hour and a half to write two essays about the book.  I chose the easiest questions, I have a few ideas about what to write, but I simply don’t have it in me to write two, spur-of-the-moment essays right now!  Most of the class is busy flipping through the book to find (finger quotes and cheesy announcer voice) supporting evidence for their thesis in the text (end quote) or pecking away frantically on their laptops.
I know there are one or two other students in my class who gave up reading ages ago because the book is so dull.   I wonder if they’re struggling as much as me.  I don’t really think that the fact I didn’t finish reading the book has that much to do with my writers’ block, but I know that after I am FINALLY free from the confines of this classroom, I must go home and finish reading that book.  I wish I had taken notes while I was reading.  Then I would at least have twelve chapters of random thoughts so I could bullsh*t my way through these essays. 
The essays are due at the end of the day but I know I’m not going to accomplish anything.  I’ll have to turn them in late. *Gasp.* I just have to stay motivated and actually get it done – preferably sooner rather than later. 
I have this issue with not getting anything done because of my depression.  I either never start my homework because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure (so why even try?) or I intend to start and carefully plan out when I will do the work.  Sometimes I really do try to get some work done but it takes a lot of time and effort so I acquire a “what the hell” attitude and give up. 

The anorexic part of me hates this.  “Get your goddamn work done,” she says. “It’s really not that hard.  Everyone else can function perfectly fine and get all their work done on time.   Why can’t you just put in some EFFORT for once, you fat bitch?!”  My bulimia nods solemnly in agreement but doesn’t say a word.  She’s not very assertive and hates confrontation unless you feed her. 
I have loads of work to do and since I just love making lists, here’s one now:
1.       Big Picture project for online Anthropology class
2.       two sketchbook assignments for online Fine Art
3.       Federalism Timeline for Senior Social
4.       FINISH READING PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK AND WRITE THE FUCKING ESSAYS! And while I’m at it I should probably do the simile discussion response from two weeks ago.
5.       manicure / pedicure
6.       go to Hannah’s house to borrow a dress from her
7.       clean my room
8.       write to Keira (my ex-girlfriend)
9.       arrange to get a ride to and from Gay Lesbian Youth Support meeting tomorrow
So as you can see, I’m a very busy girl.  I really wish I could just get all my homework done tonight, as well as everything else on my list and then log back into my online classes and get ahead in those.  It’s always nice to be ahead.  Successful people should be ahead, wouldn’t you agree?

There are 45 minutes left of class and I should probably do something productive with that time, or at least pretend to, so I am signing off for now. 
Love,
ME

Fuck you, Monday

I hate school. I hate my life. I want to go to sleep. FTW.

The Homework Plague

Dear Readers,

Would you not think that towards the end of the year, teachers would run out of things to teach, slow down class progress, and lessen the work load for students? Well if you, like I did, thought that this was the case, you're wrong.  It's very depressing, isn't it?? That is why I am spending my entire Sunday doing homework.  I will have to go to work this evening, but when I get back I will have to do more homework so that I finish everything on time. 

That is all I can write for now.  Back to the grind...
xoxoxo

I need to blog more...

Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers.  And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn.  Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately.  Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems.  I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time. 

Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in.  Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.  It's really irritating!  Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp.  I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech.  It drives me nuts!

My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away.  This is more difficult than I thought.  I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it.  I did it for several years before!!!  But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired.  So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander. 

My depression is also eating me up.  There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes.  I really have to get my grades up!  I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood.  I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it.  And i need to work harder!!!  Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off.  Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation.  I'll do all my homework on time.

I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums.  I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings.  The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite.  Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking!  We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Yum!  If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind.  It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were.  I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta.  Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it! 
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)

Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request. 

I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images.  This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit. 

I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx