Salutations, blogging world...

I deleted my tumblr a few days ago.  I was posting nothing but thinspiration on it, and I know how toxic that can be for people with eating disorders and issues with body image.  I feel the need to start fresh.  I wish I had a new blog engine.  I wish I knew how to set up my own website.  I'll most likely just stay here though, since I've already got this blog set up, and I enjoy writing. Why change, right?

I suppose this is a reflection upon my frustration with life in general, lately.  I'm in a new city trying to change my lifestyle for the better, but I am still depressed.  One thing I am grateful for is the fact that I have a blank slate... Very few people here know who I am.  I can make new friends, if I like, but I really don't intend to put down any lasting roots here, except my deep roots in the church.  I'll only be in this city for two years, so I see it as more of a stepping stone.  I don't want to settle here.  It is just the next phase in the process of further education. 

The future is terrifying.  I am constantly trying to better myself in order to improve my future, soften it a little. 

I'm still scared. 
                I'm still depressed. 
                                        I am still unsure. 
                                                             I need help. 
                                                                           I need to get my shit together. 

that's me writing

Shower Prayers

Hello, hello everyone!  I'm back!  I am now writing from my new city.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up.  I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts.  I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it. 

Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience!  A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends.  I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings.  I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops.  I helped out with communion during sunday worship. 

During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown.  The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them.  My interview was at the end of the video.  I talked for the longest.  It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out.  After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey.  I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs.  It was a cool experience.  :)

I had a hard time eating at the conference.  Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder.  I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine.  I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference.  I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped.  She is my rock.  While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply.  They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need.  I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light).  I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me.  I was mortified and furious with myself.

I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them.  I was in a foul, self-hating mood.  I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends.  I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm.  I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode.  I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize.  I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder.  There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder.  I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work.  I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut.  I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad.  I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely.  I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them.  I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters.  My faith means everything to me right now.  I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life. 

This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed.  I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends.  A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation.  It's a bit like baptism, I suppose.  It's purifying. 

I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences. 

I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great. 

Dear readers, I have a favor to ask.  A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality.  Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do.  He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him. 

Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx

The Only Title I Can Come Up With Is: "Today Sucked."

I am the kind of girl who always tries her hardest to put on a happy face, and takes off this mask only when she is sincerely unable to smile.  For people who know me, you may think that this isn't entirely true - or on the contrary you may think that I really am happy all the time.  It depends on how well you know me and how much  of my personal struggles I am willing to share with you.  Either way, I feel that most people don't have a clear perception of who I am and what I feel. 

Tonight is one of those times when I physically cannot smile.  Too often I say, "I'm okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it!" and don't let anyone know that I'm actually hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused.  I tend to let people walk all over me.  Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes its too much.  I need to write about this.  I need to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better as a result.  I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, place blame, or make anyone feel bad.  If I do, I am very sorry and I really don't mean to do so.

Ever since my first spring play, I have looked forward to being recognized as a senior in my final spring play.  The director gives each senior a card and flowers.This year was my turn for that, but I missed the boat... I went back and forth debating whether I wanted to be in the play.  I didn't try out, but got a part.  I only wanted a small part, but felt that I wasn't living up to my potential and that I would disappoint someone if I didn't take on a larger role.  So I switched from a one-liner to a more substantial supporting role of a character named Clougheïe.  I wasn't enjoying myself at practices at all.  I was depressed, self-concious, and felt like an outsider with the rest of the cast.  My depression got the best of me and I quit the play. 

Weeks later I felt bad that I wasn't a part of it anymore and went to one of the final rehearsals, hoping to put my time and talents into a backstage job.  I was assigned to helping out with makeup.  The first night of the job, several girls in the cast made it very clear to me that I was not wanted there.  They didn't think it was fair for me to quit and then come back and expect to be able to participate.  I don't blame them...

 I made sure one of the guys who was helpless with makeup got ready, and then moved on to lights.  The other kid on lights treated me like I was an idiot and when no one else was around he told me he felt good about his job with lights and curtain, but he was really worried that I was going to screw up the whole show.  That didn't make me feel very good.  I am just as capable of running sound and lights as he is. 

At the end of the show, the I went up onstage at the end of the curtain call with the other guy on lights & curtain.  There were three seniors on the stage.  Two of them were recognized, given their hug, card, and flowers.  I was not. 

I do not, in any way blame the director for forgetting about me.  It's my own damn fault because I quit.  I should have toughed my way through it even though it was hard.  I am really disappointed in myself for giving up my role.  It was a stupid move.  Yes, I remember exactly what my sadness and discomfort felt like when I was in the play, and it was awful.  I've felt like that in other plays as well, but I stuck with it in the past.  I'm furious with myself for not doing so in this case. 

I ruined this evening for myself, and I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow.

If I could explain, I would.

I don't have words today. I don't have words for this. I could try, I guess.
It's
hopeless  
     immense
          overwhelming
               all-consuming
                    dark
                         cold
                              lonely
                                   hollow
                                        bitter
                                            unbearable
                                                 helpless
                                                         sadness.   

 

*Flips the bird*

Although this is probably not the case, it begins to feel a bit more personal when she says she doesn't have time for one-on-one, and yet there is T.  Just her and T. Havin' a little one-on-one time. Yesterday she said she would come get me in half an hour so we could talk, but she never showed up, and then made out like I should have known all along she wouldn't come.  Well actually, miss, I usually expect people to show up when they say they will unless they tell me ahead of time that they are unable to come. 

I'm sitting around crying all day because I'm facing more anxiety, depression, anger, and hopelessness than I can deal with alone, but se tells me she has no time for me.  Why not? She clearly has time for the others.  That's what makes it feel like she's avoiding me or personally attacking me, because she's with other people in her office all the time but she dissmisses me.

So I'll just continue to sit here and continue to cry.  Their plans for college are more important than my plans for . . . I shouldn't finish that sentence in case someone sticks me in the loony bit again.  Use your imagination.

I am completely irrational.  I'm a stupid fucking loser.

If you don't want to listen to me bitching about how much my life sucks then don't look at my blog and go print some coloring pages or something. I don't have anything nice to say.

I can't do a single goddamn thing right. My hands are shaking so my hand writing is terrible.  My sweater is linty and I'm too fat for these pants.  I need to buy a lot of new pants in size fat.  I didn't put on any makeup this morning so I look like hell. 

Today is solo / ensemble contest for band and choir.  I just want to look nice, but that is clearly impossible for me.  I don't have anything nice to wear except for these black dress pants and the same fucking sweater that I wear to every band event.  Everyone else will look better than me.  I don't even want to go to contest!  I have put in three years of solos and duets, isn't that enough?  I'm only going because our band director is making me.  I have to be part of a clarinet choir and play a stupid Pavanne that no one in the ensemble likes.   

The school counselor is supposed to meet me in the library.  She was supposed to meet me here 10 minutes ago.  I don't like being stuck in my own head.  It's a shitty place to be. 

This week is the last time I will see my current therapist.  She's quitting her job.  It's bullshit & it's not fair.  I really, really like her.  I don't want to see anybody else.  I'm sorry that I'm such a selfish brat but I wish she weren't quitting her job.  I need someone I like and trust, and I've never had that before.  This therapist is the first good therapist I've ever had. 

Today is not a good day.  I will not be eating anything today.  I'm a disappointment.

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

Snuggles for your heart :)

Remember what I posted yesterday? Well things are different.  Everything is changing.  I now have a beautiful girl in my life and I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

No, i know that realistically everything will not be perfect just. like. that. but I can try harder, you know? So I'm not gonna mope around on my blog anymore.  I'm not going to post thinspo on my tumblr anymore.  I'm going to be a happy cheerful kind of girl.

J gives me so much hope and when I am with her, I am truly happy.  I can't wait for this weekend! I'm spending most of it with her. :)
Wish me luck, ladies and gents!

Hello dear readers...

... that is, if I even have any readers.  I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on.  I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school.  I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band.  Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot.  It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want.  I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr. 

The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped!  So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question.  I need a creative outlet, I guess.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress.  I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that.  I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of.  When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects.  I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.

So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write.  That is, after all, what I came for. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October.  It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened.  I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility.  As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges.  She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back.  It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally.  She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better.  Maybe she needs help making boundaries. 

I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic.  I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions.  I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so.  I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it. 
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak.  She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that.  I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently. 

I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime.  Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious.  Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported. 

There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of.  It's a one-act play called "Asylum."  It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum.  My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died.  There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident.  It's a really amazing show. 

When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to.  We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it.  Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show.  Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun,  I'll be glad when its over.  It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this. 

I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater.  I want to be a fashion designer and an actress.  Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)

But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc. 

I haven't been well, either.  I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac.  I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping.  If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time. 
I'm nervous.  I just want to feel better, you know?  I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide.  I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years.  I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom.  Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that.  I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are. 

Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later. 
Peace

I need to blog more...

Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers.  And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn.  Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately.  Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems.  I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time. 

Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in.  Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.  It's really irritating!  Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp.  I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech.  It drives me nuts!

My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away.  This is more difficult than I thought.  I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it.  I did it for several years before!!!  But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired.  So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander. 

My depression is also eating me up.  There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes.  I really have to get my grades up!  I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood.  I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it.  And i need to work harder!!!  Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off.  Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation.  I'll do all my homework on time.

I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums.  I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings.  The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite.  Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking!  We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Yum!  If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind.  It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were.  I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta.  Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it! 
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)

Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request. 

I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images.  This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit. 

I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx