For Corey

This evening I will be attending the memorial service of a boy who was my age.  He was bullied for being gay, adn it drove him to end his own life.  I only met him once and now he's dead and I'll never get to know him better.  To all of you who bully other people because they are different or because you want to feel better about yourself, STOP IT.  There were two teen suicides in the past couple weeks, and that is far too many.  Corey died when he jumped off a bridge.  I jumped off a bridge once.  I didn't die, I wasn't even hurt. Kind of a miracle, huh? I wish there could have been a miracle for Corey.  Corey was a great kid.  The world wants him back.

End the Silence

Nothing I do works.

I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes.  I'm just there because I have to be.  I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading.  It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia.  The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream.  I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today.  I'm too upset to function, really.  I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again.  I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out.  I need to at least try to work.  When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days.  When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard.  I have goals.  If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living? 

If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor.  I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day.  I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better. 
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well.  Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset.  This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities. 

I need someone to yell at.  I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon. 

Faith Ponderings (United Church of Christ)

"Around 7 p.m. on February 26, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin walked out of the gated community near Orlando where he was visiting his father to go get some Skittles and a can of iced tea at a neighborhood convenience store. On his way home, George Zimmerman (28) was in his car when he saw Martin walking on the street.   He called the police and said, “There’s a real suspicious guy. This guy looks like he’s up to no good, on drugs or something. It’s raining and he’s just walking around looking about.”  The police dispatcher asked, “Are you following him?”  Zimmerman replied, “Yeah.”  The dispatcher responded, “OK, we don’t need you to do that.”

Martin was talking on the phone with a teenage girl and told her that he was being hounded by a strange man on a cell phone who was running after him.  Zimmerman, carrying 9 millimeter handgun, shot and killed the 17 year old African American boy.  There are many disputes about what really happened during this altercation, but the end result was that a 17 year old un-armed boy was killed, and thus far Zimmerman has not been charged with any crime, claiming his actions were in self-defense. 

Martin’s English teacher described him as “as an A and B student who majored in cheerfulness.”   Martin had no criminal record, yet Zimmerman was charged in July 2005 with resisting arrest with violence and battery on an officer.  Zimmerman called the police 46 times since Jan. 1, 2011, and according to neighbors, Zimmerman was “fixated on crime and focused on young, black males.”

Why does this story matter?  It matters to me, and should matter to us because unfortunately this event represents the continued racism that plagues our country and the lives of our brothers and sisters.  With the upcoming election in November, I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t Re-Nig in 2012: Stop repeat offenders.  Don’t reelect Obama.”   This blatant hatred is unacceptable, and as a community of faith is it our business to be involved in places of in-justice in our world.  Micah 6:8 says, “What does the Lord require of you but to seek justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.”  Sometimes it’s easier to walk humbly and love kindness than to seek justice.  Justice is not just the work of courts, government, and legislators. 

Educating yourself about white privilege is a step towards seeking justice.  (I recommend http://www.timwise.org/category/essays/)  Supporting anti-prejudice and anti-racist organizations is a step towards seeking justice.  Making an effort to get to know people different than you or learning about cultures other than you own is a step towards seeking justice. 

Creating the Beloved Community here on earth is what Jesus taught us to do.  This is the work we have been given and entrusted with.  Will you join us?" 

 -Pastor Kayla

No words.

I'm having a rough day.  I feel empty.  Something is lacking.  As usual, I have no ideas, no reasons for why I feel this way.  When I have a bad day like this and there is no reason for how I feel, it seems like some part of me that I'm unaware of is in control. 

I have no words for this.  I can't even think straight.  It takes a great deal of effort just to put together a coherent sentence. 

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

Sia - I'm In Here

Snuggles for your heart :)

Remember what I posted yesterday? Well things are different.  Everything is changing.  I now have a beautiful girl in my life and I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

No, i know that realistically everything will not be perfect just. like. that. but I can try harder, you know? So I'm not gonna mope around on my blog anymore.  I'm not going to post thinspo on my tumblr anymore.  I'm going to be a happy cheerful kind of girl.

J gives me so much hope and when I am with her, I am truly happy.  I can't wait for this weekend! I'm spending most of it with her. :)
Wish me luck, ladies and gents!

High School Monarchy

I would LOVE to go up to one of these girls wearing a tiara and a frosty smile, slap them across the face and say “Congratulations on winning the popularity contest!” It’s that time of year again, folks… as if homecoming weren’t stupid enough; we have to have Snow Week as well.  Snow Week at my school consists of five dress-up days, the election of the Snow Week king & queen, and the Snow Ball dance. 

When the ballots came out to vote for candidates for Snow Week court, I voted for all the least popular people on the class list.  I didn’t expect any of the students I voted for to win, of course, but one can always dream.  I dream of a day when the social balance is hugely disturbed and some unfortunate-looking girl with poorly colored hair and braces can put on a fancy dress and link arms with a mathlete wearing his dad’s suit. 

 

If you’re reading this, and you’re popular, I’m not really sorry for having offended you.  Don’t you think you’ve had enough?  Isn’t enough that you have the most money, the most disciples (no, they’re not really friends, they’re accessories), the prettiest face, the best hair, and the nicest clothes?  Share your glory.  Believe me, when you graduate from high school and go out into the real world, you’ll wish you had that little bit of karma on your side. 

The bullying that goes on in high school is ridiculous.  It has to stop.  Perhaps electing kings and queens for school events isn’t exactly bullying, but it certainly doesn’t make the bullied feel any better.  It just lets us know that we’re not good enough.  You know, some people didn’t even appear on the Snow Week ballot?  The student senate forgot about them.  That is so sad. 

I’m really frustrated about this, and I want to write more – hopefully I’ll get to later.  But right now, I have homework. Grr!!!