Dessa

Did I tell y'all about the Dessa concert? I dont' believe I did... I don't know if there are any Minnesotans or Dessa fans out there, but if there are, this one is for you. 

Last Thursday I went to a free Dessa concert downtown.  I had a spot right next to the stage.  I could have reached out and touched Dessa if I wanted.  Aby Wolf was also performing.  I got pictures with both of them, and they both signed my t-shirt.  It was so cool! 

What are your favorite Dessa and Aby Wolf songs?  If you're not into that kind of music, who are your favorite musicians? I'd love to hear from y'all. 

The sea is a good place to think of the future.

 

I grabbed hold of her wrist and my hand closed from tip to tip
I said “you’ve taken the diet too far, you have got to let it slip”
But she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again.
I ask her to speak French and then I need her to translate, I get the feeling she makes the meaning more significant.
She was always far too pretty for me to believe in a single word she said, believe a word she said.
At fourteen her mother died in a routine operation, from allergic reaction to a general anesthetic. She spent the rest of her teens experimenting with prescriptions, in a futile attempt to know more than the doctors.
She said one day to leave her, sand up to her shoulders waiting for the tide
to drag her to the ocean, to another sea’s shore.
This thing hurts like hell,
but what did you expect?

And all you can hear is the sound of your own heart
And all you can feel is your lungs flood and the blood course
But oh I can see five hundred years dead set ahead of me
Five hundred behind,
A thousand years in perfect symmetry

Best known left wrist right finger, through all the Southern States, on every video games machine they call her triple A.
There were racists on the radio trying to give up smoking, the chat show host, he joked “you have to wait for the government program”.
You talk about your politics, and I wonder if you could be one of them, but you could never kiss a Tory boy without wanting to cut off your tongue again.
A good place to look to the future is when you are sat at the sea, with the salt up to your ankles and a view of the end of the pier, you may look down at your model’s feet and wish that you’d just float away, and the weather here is overcast and the sea is the same shade of grey, so the landscape before you looks just like the edge of the world, but to the left side and the right side, either way is a crazy golf course.
The sea is a good place to think of the future.

And all you can hear is the sound of your own heart
And all you can feel is your lungs flood and the blood course
But oh I can see five hundred years dead set ahead of me
Five hundred behind,
A thousand years in perfect symmetry
A thousand years no getting rid of me
A thousand years in perfect symmetry.

-Los Campesinos

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

Emmaus at Peace

Here is a drawing of me holding a 6-week old baby at church.  He's so precious and warm and tiny.  Last Sunday I got to hold him for half an hour while he slept, and it was wonderful.  I love the little squawks and baby grunts he makes in his sleep.  :)  It's so calming to have a tiny body curled up and sleeping on your chest.  I sang the lullaby my mom made up for me to him. Usually I can't remember it except for a vague semblance of the tune, but when I sang to baby Emmaus I magically remembered all the words. 

Jesus bless you, Emmaus
While you're fast asleep
You'll awake to loving smiles
Sunshine rays & cloudy days
And I pray your whole life through
Angels will watch over you
Loving you the way I do,
My Emmaus sleep well

...and he cooed and gurgled at me in his sleep.  I thought I'd share that little bit of bliss with you.

In other news, my girlfriend and I are taking a "break" now.  I posted about this yesterday as well, but I had not yet talked to her about it.  If you listen to the song "Call it off" by Tegan & Sara, you will understand my current situation.  Tegan & Sara sum it up beautifully. 

 I hope and pray that I can figure my shit out and we can stay strong until prom at the very least.  She blames herself, despite my insistence that none of this is her fault.  It's all in my head.

Today I must eat.  I must, I must, I must.  I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I need some church and some more Emmaus cuddle-time.
 

Create a beautiful day...  

Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

I loooooooove Sia!

Rebecca Blaaaaachhh

If Rebecca Black ever wins an award -- Kanye, you know what to do...

I have a question for my fellow Little Monsters

Ich schleiban austa be clair
Es kumpent madre monstere,
Aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,
Begun be uske but-bair

Ich schleiban austa be clair,
Es kumpent üske monstère,
Aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,
Fräulein uske-be clair

This is from Lady Gaga's song "Scheiße"

And I was wondering...

What the hell does it mean? I don't think it's actually German, and if it is it's in some weird dialect that i can't find anywhere online.  Are the lyrics in the liner notes of her CD perhaps? Maybe she means exactly what she says at the beginning of the song: "I don't speak German but I wish I could!" Someone should investigate this for me...

I love Lady Gaga.

That is all.

It's gotta get bad before it gets good

These are my two favorite songs this evening.  They've got a sort of quiet misery and a special kind of chill that I  love right now. 

 

Hello dear readers...

... that is, if I even have any readers.  I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on.  I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school.  I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band.  Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot.  It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want.  I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr. 

The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped!  So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question.  I need a creative outlet, I guess.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress.  I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that.  I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of.  When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects.  I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.

So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write.  That is, after all, what I came for. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October.  It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened.  I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility.  As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges.  She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back.  It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally.  She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better.  Maybe she needs help making boundaries. 

I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic.  I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions.  I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so.  I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it. 
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak.  She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that.  I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently. 

I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime.  Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious.  Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported. 

There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of.  It's a one-act play called "Asylum."  It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum.  My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died.  There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident.  It's a really amazing show. 

When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to.  We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it.  Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show.  Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun,  I'll be glad when its over.  It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this. 

I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater.  I want to be a fashion designer and an actress.  Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)

But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc. 

I haven't been well, either.  I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac.  I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping.  If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time. 
I'm nervous.  I just want to feel better, you know?  I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide.  I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years.  I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom.  Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that.  I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are. 

Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later. 
Peace

The Dreaded First Post

Good morning, fellow bloggers :)

I hate first blogs.  They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in   readers.  I don't have any ideas like that.  I just plan to write about my quirky life.  I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog. 

Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?

I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years.  I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights.  I am a lesbian.  I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer.  I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time.  I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer.  I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.

Hmmm, what else to write...

Well today I worked most of the day.  I work at a restaurant in a small town.  I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me.  Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade.  Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded.  The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin.  I can't wait to move to a big city.  I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.

I really love fashion.  I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world.  I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses!  And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing.  Using fur is just not ok.  Fur is dead.  But I'll write more about that in a later post. 
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light.  If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm.  I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help.  I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people.  But I might be able to give a little support.

Well, that's all for today, folks.  I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that.  I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo