Hmm, so this is perfectionism anxiety...

I am finding that college involves a lot of crying, sleepless nights, self-hatred, panic, and downward-spiraling of mental health.  Homework is freaking me out.   My assignments for Beginning Acting and Ballet I are pretty straight-forward and easy.  English and math, however, are a totally different story. 

I have no idea what’s going on in math.  I can do the homework, but the logistics for test taking, accountability for work time, and attendance all seem really complicated.  I’m really intimidated by the instructor, so I don’t think I’ll be asking many questions any time soon.  I don’t feel that I can ask my classmates, either.  In fact, I don’t really feel like the other students are my classmates.  We’re each in our own isolated online worlds, working at our own paces.  I feel like I’m moving too slowly because I'm really terrible at math.

There is so much to do in English!  I am juggling readings from two text books, a novel, writing assignments, online assignments, and online discussions.  With all the different books I’m reading for this class, I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much information, and I don’t know if I’m getting out of it what I am supposed to.

I haven’t even done any of the online CompClass assignments, because I’m not signed up for it yet.  I bought a used text book for the online component of the class, so I have to buy the code to sign up for the online class separately.  I won’t be ordering it until this Tuesday, and I don’t know when it will arrive.  I hate falling behind!  

Our reading assignments in the text books this week focus on revising drafts of a paper and peer reviews because we’ve just written our first paper, a literacy memoir.  The more I read about the mechanics of writing and connect it to the draft I’ve written, the more stressed out and insecure I feel.  Each sentence about sentence structure, transition, rhetoric, and thesis statements is whispering “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.” 

I don’t do well when I have to do so much in so little time.  I don’t do well without strict schedules and detailed instructions.  Math is difficult because I’m bad at it.  English is difficult because I want so badly to do everything just right.

I like to work hard and learn, but this is too much.   It’s unbalanced.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about my struggles, either, because they seem so stupid.  I’m beginning to feel very stupid, as well. 

Nothing I do works.

I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes.  I'm just there because I have to be.  I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading.  It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia.  The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream.  I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today.  I'm too upset to function, really.  I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again.  I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out.  I need to at least try to work.  When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days.  When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard.  I have goals.  If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living? 

If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor.  I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day.  I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better. 
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well.  Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset.  This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities. 

I need someone to yell at.  I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon. 

Today is a terrible day.

I'm supposed to be taking notes right now, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't care about much of anything at present.  I would give anything to be in the sanctuary at Peace church right now.  I'm tired and sad and run-down.

I miss my girlfriend.  Oh sorry, I mean ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, void.  There's a blackness in my chest that won't go away. My insatiable need for affection is eating away at me.  Having such a tremendous need makes me feel pathetic and very irritated with myself.  I'm so frustrated with this neediness, wanting, and sickness. 

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! I don't want to, but that's how I feel right now.  I have lots of good reasons for this, too, so it's hard to convince myself that it's alright, I'm alright.  I am behind in three of my six classes, and owe make-up work in two more classes.  I'm trying to ask my supports for help, but I'm talkng in circles.  It's damn near impossible for anyone to help me in the state I'm in. 

I'm really hungry.  I've been indulging in "target behaviors," whatever the hell that means...  I've been reading memoirs about anoretics, and all I've eaten today is 4 oz of fat-free yogurt.  I only ate that to appease someone who's concerned about me.  I feel really bad for making people worry about me.  I'm such a stupid, worthless piece of sh*t. 

I wish Sarah would stop staring at me.  To the students sitting around me while I'm blogging in class: Yeah, I get it. We have a ten page paper to work on, and I'm already behind schedule.  I honestly don't care, though, so leave me alone and quit looking at me like I'm a hopeless bum.  I am a hopeless bum, but it's really none of your business.

The school counselor is unavailable for the next two weeks, and I only get to go to therapy once a week.  I'm screwed. I need someone to talk to.  I need someone to help me eat.  I need a hug. 

I wonder if we have play practice tonight. I can't remember. Rachel...?

I need some serious inspiration and motivation here.  I'm going nowhere fast. 

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

107 page views and 47 days

Good morning readers! Happy 100 page views!!! 

I'm exhausted.  My medication turns me into a zombie.  I sleep like a rock at night, which is wonderful, but it's really difficult to wake up in the morning and get through the day.  I'm very easily distracted during my online class - an hour and a half in which I am expected to read through a ton of material, take a billion little quizzes, write papers, and pump out art work like a friggin' print factory without supervision or motivation.  I usually go on twitter...and, of course, here! I very rarely write from home.  I write every morning while I'm at school.  I'm a terrible student, I know...and I don't care. 

My hands are healing up very nicely from my panic attack scratching, but it's taking forever.  Although it may seem like a fabulous idea at the time, I always regret self harm later.  As singer Ida Maria says, "What's easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light." So please, don't hurt yourself.  You are beautiful, you are worth the world, and you will make it through this. 

This is the part where someone I know reads this and texts me saying "YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!" *Sigh* I know, I know.  I"m working on it! I promise. 

A young couple is having a house built across the street.  It's strange... they tore down the old house that was on the lot.  An old woman had been living in that house for as long as I can remember, but she passed away about a month ago.  I'd shoveled the snow off her walk for years, and then one day when I came home from school, the house was gone and the front walk I'd shoveled had been taken out.  Now a huge, ugly house is being planted in the ground.  They've just finished the structure for the basement and they're putting in the floor on the first level today.  It's super irritating to have to wake up to construction noises at 6 in the morning.  Why couldn't they just buy one of the many houses on the market that people are desperately trying to sell because we all need the money?? Did they really have to build a brand new house right there?

I saw a kid get pantsed in the hallway at school this morning.  I know it's totally mean and inappropriate, but it made me smile a little bit . . . I told Stacie about it, and she thought it was awful.  "I mean, seriously, how old are they??" she asked, in reference to their immaturity. 

"Well.." I said, "I pants my 26-year-old sister sometimes..."

"Yeah, but that's funny," she replied, and we both burst out laughing.  I love her. :) I'm going to miss her so much when I graduate!!! 

I can't believe there are only 47 days (not including weekends) left of my senior year.  It's wild!  After graduation I'm going to move in with my grandma in a town 20 minutes away so I can be closer to my church and college.  I'm going to be a grown -up.... weird....

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

I'm getting a D-?! Well, I guess that makes sense...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like the one I’m in now?  I am sitting in my A.P. Literature & Composition class.  We’ve just finished reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, or at least we are supposed to have finished reading it.  I gave up after chapter 12, so there are three chapters left, two of which are veeeerrry long.  Although I’m sure the final 83 pages in the book don’t differ very much at all from the rest of the hideously boring novel, I’m still behind.  We’ve been given an hour and a half to write two essays about the book.  I chose the easiest questions, I have a few ideas about what to write, but I simply don’t have it in me to write two, spur-of-the-moment essays right now!  Most of the class is busy flipping through the book to find (finger quotes and cheesy announcer voice) supporting evidence for their thesis in the text (end quote) or pecking away frantically on their laptops.
I know there are one or two other students in my class who gave up reading ages ago because the book is so dull.   I wonder if they’re struggling as much as me.  I don’t really think that the fact I didn’t finish reading the book has that much to do with my writers’ block, but I know that after I am FINALLY free from the confines of this classroom, I must go home and finish reading that book.  I wish I had taken notes while I was reading.  Then I would at least have twelve chapters of random thoughts so I could bullsh*t my way through these essays. 
The essays are due at the end of the day but I know I’m not going to accomplish anything.  I’ll have to turn them in late. *Gasp.* I just have to stay motivated and actually get it done – preferably sooner rather than later. 
I have this issue with not getting anything done because of my depression.  I either never start my homework because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure (so why even try?) or I intend to start and carefully plan out when I will do the work.  Sometimes I really do try to get some work done but it takes a lot of time and effort so I acquire a “what the hell” attitude and give up. 

The anorexic part of me hates this.  “Get your goddamn work done,” she says. “It’s really not that hard.  Everyone else can function perfectly fine and get all their work done on time.   Why can’t you just put in some EFFORT for once, you fat bitch?!”  My bulimia nods solemnly in agreement but doesn’t say a word.  She’s not very assertive and hates confrontation unless you feed her. 
I have loads of work to do and since I just love making lists, here’s one now:
1.       Big Picture project for online Anthropology class
2.       two sketchbook assignments for online Fine Art
3.       Federalism Timeline for Senior Social
4.       FINISH READING PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK AND WRITE THE FUCKING ESSAYS! And while I’m at it I should probably do the simile discussion response from two weeks ago.
5.       manicure / pedicure
6.       go to Hannah’s house to borrow a dress from her
7.       clean my room
8.       write to Keira (my ex-girlfriend)
9.       arrange to get a ride to and from Gay Lesbian Youth Support meeting tomorrow
So as you can see, I’m a very busy girl.  I really wish I could just get all my homework done tonight, as well as everything else on my list and then log back into my online classes and get ahead in those.  It’s always nice to be ahead.  Successful people should be ahead, wouldn’t you agree?

There are 45 minutes left of class and I should probably do something productive with that time, or at least pretend to, so I am signing off for now. 
Love,
ME

Fuck you, Monday

I hate school. I hate my life. I want to go to sleep. FTW.

High School Monarchy

I would LOVE to go up to one of these girls wearing a tiara and a frosty smile, slap them across the face and say “Congratulations on winning the popularity contest!” It’s that time of year again, folks… as if homecoming weren’t stupid enough; we have to have Snow Week as well.  Snow Week at my school consists of five dress-up days, the election of the Snow Week king & queen, and the Snow Ball dance. 

When the ballots came out to vote for candidates for Snow Week court, I voted for all the least popular people on the class list.  I didn’t expect any of the students I voted for to win, of course, but one can always dream.  I dream of a day when the social balance is hugely disturbed and some unfortunate-looking girl with poorly colored hair and braces can put on a fancy dress and link arms with a mathlete wearing his dad’s suit. 

 

If you’re reading this, and you’re popular, I’m not really sorry for having offended you.  Don’t you think you’ve had enough?  Isn’t enough that you have the most money, the most disciples (no, they’re not really friends, they’re accessories), the prettiest face, the best hair, and the nicest clothes?  Share your glory.  Believe me, when you graduate from high school and go out into the real world, you’ll wish you had that little bit of karma on your side. 

The bullying that goes on in high school is ridiculous.  It has to stop.  Perhaps electing kings and queens for school events isn’t exactly bullying, but it certainly doesn’t make the bullied feel any better.  It just lets us know that we’re not good enough.  You know, some people didn’t even appear on the Snow Week ballot?  The student senate forgot about them.  That is so sad. 

I’m really frustrated about this, and I want to write more – hopefully I’ll get to later.  But right now, I have homework. Grr!!!

The Homework Plague

Dear Readers,

Would you not think that towards the end of the year, teachers would run out of things to teach, slow down class progress, and lessen the work load for students? Well if you, like I did, thought that this was the case, you're wrong.  It's very depressing, isn't it?? That is why I am spending my entire Sunday doing homework.  I will have to go to work this evening, but when I get back I will have to do more homework so that I finish everything on time. 

That is all I can write for now.  Back to the grind...
xoxoxo

I need to blog more...

Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers.  And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn.  Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately.  Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems.  I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time. 

Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in.  Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.  It's really irritating!  Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp.  I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech.  It drives me nuts!

My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away.  This is more difficult than I thought.  I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it.  I did it for several years before!!!  But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired.  So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander. 

My depression is also eating me up.  There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes.  I really have to get my grades up!  I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood.  I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it.  And i need to work harder!!!  Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off.  Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation.  I'll do all my homework on time.

I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums.  I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings.  The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite.  Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking!  We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Yum!  If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind.  It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were.  I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta.  Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it! 
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)

Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request. 

I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images.  This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit. 

I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx