Hmm, so this is perfectionism anxiety...

I am finding that college involves a lot of crying, sleepless nights, self-hatred, panic, and downward-spiraling of mental health.  Homework is freaking me out.   My assignments for Beginning Acting and Ballet I are pretty straight-forward and easy.  English and math, however, are a totally different story. 

I have no idea what’s going on in math.  I can do the homework, but the logistics for test taking, accountability for work time, and attendance all seem really complicated.  I’m really intimidated by the instructor, so I don’t think I’ll be asking many questions any time soon.  I don’t feel that I can ask my classmates, either.  In fact, I don’t really feel like the other students are my classmates.  We’re each in our own isolated online worlds, working at our own paces.  I feel like I’m moving too slowly because I'm really terrible at math.

There is so much to do in English!  I am juggling readings from two text books, a novel, writing assignments, online assignments, and online discussions.  With all the different books I’m reading for this class, I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much information, and I don’t know if I’m getting out of it what I am supposed to.

I haven’t even done any of the online CompClass assignments, because I’m not signed up for it yet.  I bought a used text book for the online component of the class, so I have to buy the code to sign up for the online class separately.  I won’t be ordering it until this Tuesday, and I don’t know when it will arrive.  I hate falling behind!  

Our reading assignments in the text books this week focus on revising drafts of a paper and peer reviews because we’ve just written our first paper, a literacy memoir.  The more I read about the mechanics of writing and connect it to the draft I’ve written, the more stressed out and insecure I feel.  Each sentence about sentence structure, transition, rhetoric, and thesis statements is whispering “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.” 

I don’t do well when I have to do so much in so little time.  I don’t do well without strict schedules and detailed instructions.  Math is difficult because I’m bad at it.  English is difficult because I want so badly to do everything just right.

I like to work hard and learn, but this is too much.   It’s unbalanced.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about my struggles, either, because they seem so stupid.  I’m beginning to feel very stupid, as well.