Holiday Woes

I haven't posted in a while because I've been extremely busy with school and extra curricular.  I find myself needing to write now because it is the holiday season and this is very stressful for me because of all the eating involved.  I have been trying very hard to recover, which requires me to permit myself to eat and enjoy it without fear, self-hatred, or guilt.  It's not easy. 

Thanksgiving was wrought with anxiety.  I ate mashed potatoes with butter, half a plate full of stuffing, cranberry sauce, applesauce, and two slices of pumpkin pie.  I did get to go for a short walk afterwards, and I climbed trees with my cousins, but I still felt guilty.  I was wearing my prized Calvin Klein skinny jeans and I was bloated and hanging over the waist-band.  I don't know if it was just body dysmorphia or if it was real, but I could feel rolls of fat around my middle.  I felt disgusting.  I tried to have a good time anyways.  It was pretty hard.

Since then, I've tried to ignore the fact of what I ate on Thanksgiving and move on with more important things in my life.  I really do want recovery.  Yesterday went really well.  I ate all my meals without restricting or purging, I didn't over exercise, and I felt relatively ok with myself. Today is a different story altogether.

Today I feel like my stomach is huge and the tops of my arms are flabby.  The last time  checked I weighed 131 pounds.  I should be proud of this, and be happy with my healthy body.  But I miss the days when I was 99 pounds.  That's bad. 
 

I am really struggling.  I have a war going on in my head between my superego and id.  I want  to skip lunch and workout after school, but I need to eat, accept myself, and study and go to Art Club after school. 

I have some cuts on my leg that I have to let heal before I can wear short skirts again, but what bums me out even more is that I don't know if I have the courage to wear short skirts because I'm not confident about my legs. 
 

I need to reach out to my friends and family for help and support but I am really insecure about asking for help. I see myself as a greedy person.  I want more love than I deserve, and I crave security.  Is that bad?  I love helping others, but I dont' think I'm good enough to be given help or love.
 

Now I'm just ranting.....
 

And so , dear readers, I need your support.  Send prayers, send me good vibes, whatever it is you do.  And above all, treat yourselves well today.  Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Eat, drink, and be merry, as they say. 'Tis the season and all that...
 

If you're struggling too, post a comment and I'll email you.  I would love someone to talk to. 

If you have any advice, please share! How do you deal with feelings of self hatred, and the temptations to restrict, purge, or hurt yourself during recovery?

Vegan Is Hot

Vegan Is Hot by SapphireSkye featuring leather shorts

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Olsenhaus Pure Vegan zip up shoes
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Sandals
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Doctor bag
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100% Pure Cosmetics Blood Orange Nourishing Body Cream 8oz
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Urban Decay Good Karma Finishing Brush
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Animal Pattern Photos, Picture Gallery, Desktop Wallpaper – National...
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P!nk

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Ashish sequin tank
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Black leather jacket
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Jane Norman skinny jeans
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Platform sandals
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Illamasqua S/S 11 Toxic Nature Collection Nail Polish
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Naked

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Deborah Marquit lace bra
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Elle Macpherson Intimates thong panty
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The Homework Plague

Dear Readers,

Would you not think that towards the end of the year, teachers would run out of things to teach, slow down class progress, and lessen the work load for students? Well if you, like I did, thought that this was the case, you're wrong.  It's very depressing, isn't it?? That is why I am spending my entire Sunday doing homework.  I will have to go to work this evening, but when I get back I will have to do more homework so that I finish everything on time. 

That is all I can write for now.  Back to the grind...
xoxoxo

I need to blog more...

Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers.  And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn.  Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately.  Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems.  I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time. 

Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in.  Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.  It's really irritating!  Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp.  I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech.  It drives me nuts!

My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away.  This is more difficult than I thought.  I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it.  I did it for several years before!!!  But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired.  So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander. 

My depression is also eating me up.  There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes.  I really have to get my grades up!  I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood.  I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it.  And i need to work harder!!!  Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off.  Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation.  I'll do all my homework on time.

I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums.  I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings.  The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite.  Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking!  We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Yum!  If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind.  It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were.  I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta.  Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it! 
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)

Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request. 

I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images.  This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit. 

I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx

I Love Minneapolis!

Hello fellow bloggers!

Yesterday was SO MUCH FUN!  My school's art club went on a trip to several museums and the art college in Minneapolis.  I have toured the Minneapolis College of Art and Design a bazillion times before (and by a bazillion, I mean 5 times...) It was still fun, though.  I got to see my friends Leann, Swindle, Tami, Clint, and my sister.  Yay!! :) I miss my sister.  It's really lonely being alone with my parents at home... Well now I'm getting off topic. 

So, on the drive up I sat next to my biology teacher.  She was chaperoning the trip along with the art teacher.  The biology teacher is really cool.  Our group had so much fun talking and making up inside jokes and making memories.  I would share them all with you, but inside jokes are no fun if you don't know what they mean...

Coming back from the city is always really depressing, because I realize Oh... In real life I live in a small town where art is irrelevant except to the few who love it.. :(

Last year, after returning from the Chicago trip, I attempted running away.  It was an embarrassingly pathetic attempt.  I'm not going to talk about that...

I'm in class right now so I should go.  I will write more later.

Ciao!
xxxxx

I'm hungry for some kisses....

Sorry guys, but that's all I have to say for today.  I want some kisses :)

Life sucks.

I just found out that one of my nearest and dearest friends is anorexic.  I'm so angry / torn up / sad.  I want to scream and cry, and be with her and hold on to her and make it all better.  These things shouldn't happen to good people.  Why does it always happen to people I love? FUCK THE WORLD!!!!!! ARRGH!

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do????

I have to keep her alive, that's all I know.

Hey Babes :)

Today is Friday -- WOOT!  P.s. I hate the song "Friday" by Rebecca Black.  It's AWFUL.  The girl can't sing, and if she can, then she needs to start writing her own songs to show it.

And tomorrow, in case you weren't aware, is Saturday! I have to work a short shift, but then I'm going to hang out with the beautiful, the incredible, the amazing Miss R (I'm going to keep names in first initial form.  I'll bold them so you know I'm talking about people).  She's very wise.  She's been through a lot.  Well I guess I don't really know that but I know she's been through some, and I know she can help me.  I love her.  Aside from being incredibly wise, she is an amazing singer, actress, and friend.  We're going to have pastries and then go to one of the top floors of a very tall building in the city to enjoy the view and chat.

I'm making a new hat for the occasion.  It's going to be a slouchy, black crocheted beanie with a raspberry-colored bow on top.  :) I like hats a lot.  I like to pretend they make me look like P!nk.  P!nk is my favorite singer, hero, and celebrity crush.  She's brilliant.  Anyways, a while back I donated over 10 inches of hair so that I could look like P!nk and help out a cancer patient somewhere. 
I love doing stuff like that - helping out charities and doing volunteer work.

 

Anyways, I'm pretty tired and I have a hat to make! So I'll write more later this weekend.  :)
xoxo

Grrr, It's a Struggle!

Well, dears, I seem to be on the edge of the cliff -- I can either walk away to safety, or fall back into my old ways.  I've been eating really well lately, and I'm really proud of myself for it! I haven't been eating "easy" foods either.  Instead of measured out granola, yogurt, and salads, I've started eating things like toast and eggs, potato chips, fruit salad (the kind with marshmallows =] not the healthy kind), chocolate cake, etc.. It's crazy! And at first I was having a lot of fun eating whatever I wanted.  But I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious about it.  Yesterday, because of the amount of food in my lunchbox, my bag of potato chips didn't fit in it, and I had to carry it separately.  It was so humiliating.  I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me for the amount of food I had.  I kept thinking, If all the food doesn't even fit in the f-ing lunch box, then it must be too much!!!  I ate it all, though.  I wanted to cry, but I made myself eat it.  I didn't even purge afterwards.  Today was harder though.  I was tempted to skip lunch, and although I did eat, I didn't eat as much as I normally do.  At play practice after work, I was eating a meal from Subway.  I sat on one side of the stage, and everyone else sat on the other side.  The separation made me feel like I was too fat to associate with any of the other actors there.  I felt like because I was the only one of them who was eating, my peers were disgusted to by me. 

I'm kind of proud of the level of self-respect and improved body image that I've gained.  But there's still that damn voice in the back of my head, you know? It's my eating disorder telling me what a pathetic mess I am, and telling me how much better I could be if I didn't eat.  I don't want to lose myself to anorexia or bulimia again, because I've learned a lot from the progress I've made towards recovery so far.  I know that I can be happy if I let myself go and allow myself be happy.  I've gotten so close I can almost touch it.  I just have to make the switch from "I have an eating disorder," and "I'm recovering from an eating disorder" to "I used to have an eating disorder."  It's not an easy change to make.  I've had my eating disorder for 11 years - since I was 5 years old.  It's like an old friend, and I struggle every day to make myself see that there is a better life waiting for me if I let myself have it. 

I've got to stay strong.  I have to, or I will die. 

For those of you reading this who also suffer from eating disorders, you need to know this too:
You have to stay strong.  You have to, or you will die.

A Short and Sweet Weekend Post =)

Today I woke up slowly, and layed around reading with my parents in the early-morning patches of sunlight. The book I'm reading right now is a twist on Lewis Caroll's Alice In Wonderland called The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor.  The web site's pretty cool and there's FREE STUFF, guys!!! The book is full of puns, and actually pretty entertaining! I'm usually not a big fantasy lit fan, but I really like this book! 

My mom has spent this weekend spoiling me, and I LOVE it!! She made breakfast for me yesterday and today, as well as a cappuccino this morning.  She's full of hugs and cuddles for me.  I guess we just have more time to be together on weekends.  I don't always get along with her, but I figure that as long as I am right now, I shouldn't waste any time! 
I took some amazing pictures of the potted amaryllis in my living room this morning, and then later at sunset.

The Dreaded First Post

Good morning, fellow bloggers :)

I hate first blogs.  They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in   readers.  I don't have any ideas like that.  I just plan to write about my quirky life.  I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog. 

Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?

I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years.  I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights.  I am a lesbian.  I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer.  I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time.  I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer.  I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.

Hmmm, what else to write...

Well today I worked most of the day.  I work at a restaurant in a small town.  I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me.  Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade.  Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded.  The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin.  I can't wait to move to a big city.  I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.

I really love fashion.  I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world.  I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses!  And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing.  Using fur is just not ok.  Fur is dead.  But I'll write more about that in a later post. 
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light.  If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm.  I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help.  I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people.  But I might be able to give a little support.

Well, that's all for today, folks.  I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that.  I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo