Self-Harm Prayer

Dear God, you are the only one who knows what is in the depths of my heart.  You know the deepest secrets in my soul and the hurts and wounds in my life.  I ask you to look into my heart now and bring to the surface what you want to heal.  I ask you to reveal the root causes for self-harm in my life and give me the wisdom and grace to deal with them and give them to you.  I ask you to come into my life and heal my heart and soul.  Be my strength and bring the peace only you can give.  Cover me with your love and mercy.

And already P!nk's album is helping me get through the day.
*Source for prayer in the link connected to "self-harm."

Planning my Funeral

I just went on the bike ride from hell... I rode from my house on the south side of town 20 minutes to the north side of town with a back pack of at least 20 pounds. When I got there, my bike lock wouldn't close so I had to go all the way back home to ask my gramma to drive me to my destination. Did I mention it's 90 degrees out there?? I need a nap. I'm hungry again, too.  Fuck.

My friend and I are planning my funeral.  It's going to be a blast!  There will be tons of cool celebrities there, and a dance party afterwards.  It'll be more like a wedding reception than a post-funeral gathering.  The guest list includes Heidi Klum, P!nk, the Queen of England, Lady Gaga, Tim Gunn, Ellen and Portia Degeneres, Obama, Lily Allen, and Paul McCartney.  Oh, and my family.  At the after party there will be dancing and french fries, ranch dressing, chocolate cake, cheesecake, red wine, champagne, and beer.  I don't actually like beer but my friend and I agreed it would probably be a good thing to have for those who do like it.   There will be blue irises, calla lilies, unicorns, rainbows and glitter everywhere.  P1nk will sing "Beam Me Up," Lady Gaga will perform "Born This Way" (even though I'll be dead this way), and there will be a hug circle.  I love hug circles...

I wish I could be there.  I've always wanted to meet these people!  And I love me some red wine and cheesecake.

Nostalgia Bites

She was my best friend for seven years.  She controlled me, said awful things to me, beat me up occasionally, made me do thinks I hated myself for afterwards, told my other friends not to talk to me, and made me feel stupid and unworthy of anyone’s friendship.  And that was just elementary and high school!

When we got older you started hanging out with boys who called me fat when I was around.  You told me the homemade clothes I designed were ugly and made me look poor.  You never missed an opportunity to tell me I’m a whore.  You let your dog bite me without disciplining him and told me to suck it up and get used to it. 

When I stopped eating, you encouraged me.  You took me out for long bike rides and runs and yelled at me, “Keep up!  Do you want to lose weight or not?”  When I cut myself, you told me I was doing it wrong and showed me how to properly kill myself. 

Sometimes you were nice to me and I felt like our friendship was genuine.  In retrospect, however, it was never enough to make up for how poorly you treated me.  I haven’t spoken to you in two years nor have you spoken to me.

We just “drifted apart,” as you say, but I also know that you think homosexuality is sick and wrong.  “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you told me when I came out to you. 

When I look at you I realize I don’t even know you anymore.  I was always your loyal friend because you made me think no one else would ever be my friend.  You caused me so much anger and hurt.  So why the hell do I miss you so much sometimes?

I was really stupid to hang out with you for as long as I did.  What a waste of seven years.  Now you’re bleach-blonde, thinner than I am, you have a mustang and a steady boyfriend.  I’m not envious of you though.  I’m just pissed that my friend stopped using me as a muse for her artistic photography and switched to you.  In pictures of me I was art.  In pictures of you, your eyes are dead and you look like a posed doll.  Now I get to call you a whore, even though I’ll never say it out loud. 

Hey Babes :)

Today is Friday -- WOOT!  P.s. I hate the song "Friday" by Rebecca Black.  It's AWFUL.  The girl can't sing, and if she can, then she needs to start writing her own songs to show it.

And tomorrow, in case you weren't aware, is Saturday! I have to work a short shift, but then I'm going to hang out with the beautiful, the incredible, the amazing Miss R (I'm going to keep names in first initial form.  I'll bold them so you know I'm talking about people).  She's very wise.  She's been through a lot.  Well I guess I don't really know that but I know she's been through some, and I know she can help me.  I love her.  Aside from being incredibly wise, she is an amazing singer, actress, and friend.  We're going to have pastries and then go to one of the top floors of a very tall building in the city to enjoy the view and chat.

I'm making a new hat for the occasion.  It's going to be a slouchy, black crocheted beanie with a raspberry-colored bow on top.  :) I like hats a lot.  I like to pretend they make me look like P!nk.  P!nk is my favorite singer, hero, and celebrity crush.  She's brilliant.  Anyways, a while back I donated over 10 inches of hair so that I could look like P!nk and help out a cancer patient somewhere. 
I love doing stuff like that - helping out charities and doing volunteer work.

 

Anyways, I'm pretty tired and I have a hat to make! So I'll write more later this weekend.  :)
xoxo