Self-Harm Prayer

Dear God, you are the only one who knows what is in the depths of my heart.  You know the deepest secrets in my soul and the hurts and wounds in my life.  I ask you to look into my heart now and bring to the surface what you want to heal.  I ask you to reveal the root causes for self-harm in my life and give me the wisdom and grace to deal with them and give them to you.  I ask you to come into my life and heal my heart and soul.  Be my strength and bring the peace only you can give.  Cover me with your love and mercy.

And already P!nk's album is helping me get through the day.
*Source for prayer in the link connected to "self-harm."

Shower Prayers

Hello, hello everyone!  I'm back!  I am now writing from my new city.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up.  I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts.  I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it. 

Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience!  A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends.  I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings.  I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops.  I helped out with communion during sunday worship. 

During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown.  The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them.  My interview was at the end of the video.  I talked for the longest.  It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out.  After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey.  I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs.  It was a cool experience.  :)

I had a hard time eating at the conference.  Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder.  I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine.  I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference.  I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped.  She is my rock.  While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply.  They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need.  I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light).  I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me.  I was mortified and furious with myself.

I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them.  I was in a foul, self-hating mood.  I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends.  I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm.  I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode.  I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize.  I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder.  There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder.  I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work.  I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut.  I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad.  I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely.  I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them.  I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters.  My faith means everything to me right now.  I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life. 

This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed.  I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends.  A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation.  It's a bit like baptism, I suppose.  It's purifying. 

I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences. 

I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great. 

Dear readers, I have a favor to ask.  A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality.  Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do.  He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him. 

Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx

Peaceful moments

The front doors are bathed in sunlight if the weather allows.  Between the pillars that support the awning are wooden benches.  Walk inside… to your left is Fellowship Hall where church meals, meetings, and events take place.  To the right is the sanctuary.  The sanctuary is big and blue.  The carpeting is blue and the wall behind the altar is blue.  The side walls are white and set with colorful stained glass windows.  The light-colored wooden pews have maroon cushions on them.  The vaulted ceiling is made of the same light wood.  On the altar is a projection screen where they show the lyrics to our songs, our prayers, and announcements for the congregation.  Dead center on the wall behind the altar is a depiction of God wrought in brass.  God has his/her/its hands outstretched and a halo around his/her/its head.  There are no facial features, or clues to any gender or race.  In front of that is a podium where from which our two pastors preach (though they rarely remain stationary behind the podium) and a table from which communion is served.  On the right side of the altar, set back from the rest of the main floor is a raised floor where the choir sits between songs.  In front of this space are the mics, the drums, the piano, and the organ for making music during worship.  I like the sanctuary best after service when the lights are off and sunlight streams down through the windows.  I have many fond memories of sitting alone in the sanctuary or sitting there with just one person for company – usually my youth pastor.  I became a member of Peace in the sanctuary, my youth pastor blessed my prayer shawl in the sanctuary, and I have spent a lot of time in the sanctuary crying, praying, and meditating. 
 

My youth pastor blessed my prayer shawl for me.  We went into the Sanctuary.  It was just the two of us and we sat in a back corner that was full of sunlight streaming down through the tall, stained-glass windows.  She and I sat cross-legged with the shawl between us.  She arranged the shawl in a circle with a plastic, batter-powered tea light in the middle.  We both put our hands on it and I sank my fingers into the soft, purple yarn.  I could feel the sunlight on my shoulders.  She said the prayer:

May god's grace be upon this shawl...

warming, comforting, enfolding and embracing.

May this mantle be a safe haven...

a sacred place of security and well being...

sustaining and embracing in good times,

as well as difficult ones.

May the one who recieves this shawl be cradled in hope, kept in joy,

graced with peace,

and wrapped in love.  Amen. 

I thanked her; she gave me the prayer sheet and asked me to blow out the candle.  I chuckled nad pushed the button on the bottom of the plastic candle. 
 

She gave me a big hug.  It all felt very special and holy in the quiet, beautiful, sun-filled sanctuary.  I want to remember it. 
 

There was another moment I want to remember from Peace church.  It was on Good Friday, during the end of lent.  After the service was over, I stayed in the sanctuary to meditate, pray, and find some comfort and rest.  Both pastors were praying with those who stayed in the Sanctuary.  It was peaceful in the dark but I also had veelings of fear of the future and sadness about Jesus' death threatening to overwhelm me. My youth pastor came to sit by me.  We leaned together and she wrapped her arms around me.  I closed my eyes and tried to let all my worries melt away for a little while.  squeezed my shoulder and said, "God, be with sapphire always."
 

I felt so loved and treasured in that moment.
 

"Always."
 

God is and will be with me always.  My youth pastor helped me to realize and believe this.
 

That prayer was one of the few, breif, and far between moments in which I felt happiness, beauty, and comfort.  I need to hold on to these precious memories and reflect on them during hard times. 

The sanctuary is my favorite part of the church.  On the floors above and below the main sanctuary are classrooms and rooms for meetings.  I am more familiar with the lower floor.  There is the Iglesias sanctuary on the left for the Spanish services that take place on Sunday afternoons; to the right are Pastor Paul and Pastor Kayla’s offices.  Down from that are high school, middle school, and preschool classrooms, as well as bathrooms, and a small theater.  I go to faith formation in the high school room.  When you first walk into the high school room, there is a ping pong table that is occasionally cluttered with art supplies, bibles, and other things.  There is also a foosball table.  Five couches are arranged in a circle.  There is an area carpet in the middle with dark, muted squares of color.  A table stands on the carpet with candles on it, a box of markers, pens, and pencils, and a stack of paper.  There is a large television that looks as though it’s been around since the invention of the flat screen TV.  Back to Fellowship hall – carpet of questionable color (it’s got a little bit of everything in it) tan walls, high ceiling.  There are a few long rectangular tables on one side, and lots of round tables surrounded by folding chairs.  There is a podium that I have never seen being used that has a sound board on it.  The kitchen is right next to the main room and has a large window/counter for serving food.  The church is fairly large.  There is one main level with the sanctuary, church office, Fellowship hall, and Peace room.  The other side of the church is split into three levels with classrooms, meeting rooms, and a couple more offices.  Peace is the one place where I am able to let go of everything troubling me and just be happy.  It is the one place in my life where I am fully accepted for exactly who I am and loved without reservation.  This church saved me from a lot of grief I’d been getting from the Catholic church I attended my whole life up until a year ago.  Peace UCC teaches me about a God that loves everyone, not just a select few people; a God who is more like a parent than anything.  I love the people who go to my church with me. 

Emmaus at Peace

Here is a drawing of me holding a 6-week old baby at church.  He's so precious and warm and tiny.  Last Sunday I got to hold him for half an hour while he slept, and it was wonderful.  I love the little squawks and baby grunts he makes in his sleep.  :)  It's so calming to have a tiny body curled up and sleeping on your chest.  I sang the lullaby my mom made up for me to him. Usually I can't remember it except for a vague semblance of the tune, but when I sang to baby Emmaus I magically remembered all the words. 

Jesus bless you, Emmaus
While you're fast asleep
You'll awake to loving smiles
Sunshine rays & cloudy days
And I pray your whole life through
Angels will watch over you
Loving you the way I do,
My Emmaus sleep well

...and he cooed and gurgled at me in his sleep.  I thought I'd share that little bit of bliss with you.

In other news, my girlfriend and I are taking a "break" now.  I posted about this yesterday as well, but I had not yet talked to her about it.  If you listen to the song "Call it off" by Tegan & Sara, you will understand my current situation.  Tegan & Sara sum it up beautifully. 

 I hope and pray that I can figure my shit out and we can stay strong until prom at the very least.  She blames herself, despite my insistence that none of this is her fault.  It's all in my head.

Today I must eat.  I must, I must, I must.  I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I need some church and some more Emmaus cuddle-time.
 

Create a beautiful day...