Happy in hell

Today I am happy for all the wrong reasons.  I woke up incredibly depressed and wishing I hadn't woken up at all.  While I was getting dressed I noticed that my waist seemed smaller.  I was really excited, but also prepared for a letdown when I measured my waist.  23.5 inches.  The last time I measured (which was ages ago) it was around 27 inches.  I get excited about being skinny the way a little kid gets excited for Christmas, so I was elated all morning. 

I had therapy this morning, which brought me down a bit.  I was very self-critical in my ballet class today, which didn't make me feel much better.  After ballet (jumping around for an hour and a half) I still felt restless.  I was riding my bike from the college to my house, so I decided to just keep biking.  And keep biking, and keep biking, and keep biking... I've ridden my bike 18-ish miles today.  I'm proud of myself.  I was on a bike trail that goes around a lake.  After the first lap, I wanted to quit and go home.  I even started to follow the path home, but I turned around and kept going.  I made myself keep going until I had completed 5 laps around the lake. 

When I got home I did sixty crunches, laying on the floor under the magazine pictures of teeny tiny models I hung on my bedroom wall along with a couple motivating Nike ads.  I had some apple juice, because I hadn't eaten since breakfast and figured I could use a small blood-sugar boost.  I immediately regretted it.  120 calories of apple juice when I could have just had water.  What a waste!  After that I guzzled water.  I weighed myself.  I was 121.5 lbs.  Then I realized that I'd had quite a bit of water and approximately 8 oz of apple juice.  I filled my bottle to how much I'd had to drink and weighed it.  It was half a pound, and I reckoned the apple juice was probably a quarter of a pound.  Subtracting this three-quarters of a pound puts me at 119.25 pounds.  Woot!!!!!  I'm so excited!  I've lost 4.25 pounds since early September.  Crazy! 

I know this is really bad for me.  I know that I'm approaching an unhealthy weight.  I should weigh close to 130 pounds, according to BMI charts, but screw that.  I'm having fun.  Well, sort of... seeing the numbers go down is fun, but the actual process is hell.  If I don't eat I walk through the day in a paranoid haze.  If I do eat I hate myself for it, no matter how much or how little I ate.  I'm trying to find some semblence of moderation. 

My grandma is making 4-cheese pizza for dinner.  I'm nervous.  I feel like if I eat it it will completely wipe out all the hard work I did on my bike ride.  I don't know how many calories I burned on the ride, nor have I looked at how many calories are in the pizza yet.  I'm going to, though.  I can probably only have one or two slices.  I probably have to have at least two pieces or my grandma will worry, and I don't want her to be suspicious.  Whenever we had pizza in the summer, I would eat nearly half of it.  Disgusting.  I need more self-control. 

I shouldn't be losing weight.  This is really bad.  But I love losing weight! I'm so torn.  I know if I work hard to recover I can be happy, but at the same time if I work hard at weightloss, I can be thin.  Both are appealling, but being thinner usually wins.  I don't know what to do!!!!

Help! :(

Self-Harm Prayer

Dear God, you are the only one who knows what is in the depths of my heart.  You know the deepest secrets in my soul and the hurts and wounds in my life.  I ask you to look into my heart now and bring to the surface what you want to heal.  I ask you to reveal the root causes for self-harm in my life and give me the wisdom and grace to deal with them and give them to you.  I ask you to come into my life and heal my heart and soul.  Be my strength and bring the peace only you can give.  Cover me with your love and mercy.

And already P!nk's album is helping me get through the day.
*Source for prayer in the link connected to "self-harm."

Hmm, so this is perfectionism anxiety...

I am finding that college involves a lot of crying, sleepless nights, self-hatred, panic, and downward-spiraling of mental health.  Homework is freaking me out.   My assignments for Beginning Acting and Ballet I are pretty straight-forward and easy.  English and math, however, are a totally different story. 

I have no idea what’s going on in math.  I can do the homework, but the logistics for test taking, accountability for work time, and attendance all seem really complicated.  I’m really intimidated by the instructor, so I don’t think I’ll be asking many questions any time soon.  I don’t feel that I can ask my classmates, either.  In fact, I don’t really feel like the other students are my classmates.  We’re each in our own isolated online worlds, working at our own paces.  I feel like I’m moving too slowly because I'm really terrible at math.

There is so much to do in English!  I am juggling readings from two text books, a novel, writing assignments, online assignments, and online discussions.  With all the different books I’m reading for this class, I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much information, and I don’t know if I’m getting out of it what I am supposed to.

I haven’t even done any of the online CompClass assignments, because I’m not signed up for it yet.  I bought a used text book for the online component of the class, so I have to buy the code to sign up for the online class separately.  I won’t be ordering it until this Tuesday, and I don’t know when it will arrive.  I hate falling behind!  

Our reading assignments in the text books this week focus on revising drafts of a paper and peer reviews because we’ve just written our first paper, a literacy memoir.  The more I read about the mechanics of writing and connect it to the draft I’ve written, the more stressed out and insecure I feel.  Each sentence about sentence structure, transition, rhetoric, and thesis statements is whispering “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.” 

I don’t do well when I have to do so much in so little time.  I don’t do well without strict schedules and detailed instructions.  Math is difficult because I’m bad at it.  English is difficult because I want so badly to do everything just right.

I like to work hard and learn, but this is too much.   It’s unbalanced.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about my struggles, either, because they seem so stupid.  I’m beginning to feel very stupid, as well. 

Favorite Excerpts from Willow by Julia Hoban[1]

                “You couldn’t really say that something that hurts so badly feels good exactly.  It’s more that it just feels right.  And something that feels so right just couldn’t be bad.  It has to be good.

Better than good.”

“She gets up from the bed and walks into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face.  She stares in the mirror for a few seconds, looking at herself as if she were a stranger.

Who is this?

She supposed that to anyone else she looks exactly the same as she always did, except for her hair, that is.  She doesn’t have the energy or inclination to fuss with it like she once did, so she just wears it in a braid that hangs halfway down her back.

But she doesn’t recognize herself.  Maybe her face isn’t any different, but the look in her eyes is.  Worse than dead, their expression is simply blank.  She reaches out a hand to cover them in the mirror.  She remembers the reflection that used to stare back at her.  Those eyes weren’t dead.

She had never known that she used to be happy.  It had simply never occurred to her that her life had all that she would ever need or want. 

The one thing that can make her laugh these days is how much she used to take things for granted.  In the past, little hurts, like doing badly in school, or getting dumped by a guy, really used to throw her.  How was she to know what was lying in store for her? She shakes her head at how foolish she used to be, getting upset because her favorite dress got lost at the cleaners, or something equally stupid.

Stupid!”

 

---

[1]I have altered some of the text to exclude the character’s name and generalize who may be speaking.

Musings on mental health & the Connection issue

Written 8/23/2012

It’s very strange how the mind works.  In my numerous and wild experiences with mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness.  I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to be totally joyful all of the time.  Even mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7.  The goal is not to fix everything, to make everything perfect, to never be sad again.  The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation. 

Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave (because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid).  Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the individual, their experiences, and their mental health.  Healthy minds are, to the best of my understanding, like even sine waves.  Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys.  My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.  Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating.  Other times I can count on being depressed for quite a while.  If ever my mind gains any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to, however below that of a healthier person’s mind.  Like I said earlier, stability is the goal, so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given and continue to try to focus on the positive. 

 

Seismic Wave:

 

The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur.  I am stressed out because I’m starting college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get ready.    I doubt it will be, but I am terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but academically.  In high school I was depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.  My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse.  I have to try so much harder now to be happy and focused so that I can get my work done.  College is so important to me!  This is the part of my life where maybe my dreams will start to come true.  I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up. 

I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane, and frightened I am.  I’m confused because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I have very little control over my emotions lately.  Being depressed is a given.  I have been depressed since I was a child, so I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever.  I say insane because in the unpredictability of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings.  I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this charade of perfection, health, and stability. 

Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild ride.  I woke up relatively cheerful, went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed and binged rather than having a normal lunch.  I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to me.  When I came home from the library this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself.  I decided to go downtown.  I had a marvelous time there!  I walked around the street market, ate pizza, a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my life.  I went for a ride on a bike cab, which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud.  I went home feeling blissful and well satisfied with the evening’s adventures. 

Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel miserable all over again.  I’m depressed (surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way.  I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared because I hate not knowing what will happen next.  What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and trapped in my head things can get very messy. 

Random Fury

Last night when the women at Soul Collage were talking about Generose I became progressively angrier and angrier... I was so mad that I almost got up and walked out.  They kept talking about how nice it is, and I thought, THAT'S BULLSHIT. Most of the nurses treat patients like crap, they don't take care of our personal belongings that we have to surrender upon arrival, and the kids who go in come out worse than they were to begin with.  I've discussed this with many Generose veterans.  We all agree that it's a terrible place and worsens our problems, but we suppress our depression / anger / target behaviors because we will do anything to stay out of there.  Generose really isn't a place to get help or get well; it's just a place to put mentally ill kids away until their parents find a way to deal with them. 

The Soul Collage women changed the subject right when I was thinking I couldn't stand listening to it anymore.  I was SO glad when they stopped talking about it.  I haven't been so mad just from listening to someone talk about a trigger from my past in a long time.  I was FURIOUS.  I wanted to say something, give my two cents, but one of the women is a nurse there.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings or be rude.  She actually seems very nice, but she works with children, not adolescents.  I only remember two kind nurses on the adolescent ward, and there were many, many nurses. 

499 Tweets

Here is a somewhat abridged compilation of all my tweets since I first got my account on March 12, 2010.

I am mostly recovered and feel amazing.  I am shut up in my bedroom with my books and laptop and won’t be leaving till this history day rubbish is DONE.  Can’t wait for summer!  Warm, sun, freedom, music, fashion, and all mine in just a few months.  Why?  I am so jealous of all those blood-donators today.  I wanted to, but am too young.  The second I turn sixteen I’m going out to give blood!  I’m really excited to be all artistic and posh on the field trip tomorrow!  I am worried about Jessa.  Sway with me….when you dance you have a way with me, sway with me!  Good lord, what a weekend… Ran the Fool’s Five today… I’m exhausted!  What a day….cried and cried and cried in band class because I was so scared she was leaving.  LLAMA!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so special…Miss J trusted me with the keys :D Oh dear… What’s the world coming to?  Fuck it.  I have so much homework, but really all I want to do is finish my sketches for college critiquing so I can become a great fashion designer.  Changing schools….AUGH!  I’m happy in Illinois in a cute ruffly little skirt! J * **** ** ***** ** ***!!!!!!!!!!  Tomorrow’s my last day in Illinois… SAD!!! I’m going to miss everyone!!! But I’m excited to go back to my “homeland.”  My life has been made.  My Halloween shall be quite a dud this year.  Why didn’t I think to take it off work?! Just think of all the candy I’m missing out on!  I’m having a meltdown.  Yay! Time for emergency chocolate.  I just had a game night with grandma.  Very exciting.  I won at scrabble.  I went to Barnes & Noble today. :D I am going to chop off all my hair and donate it.  The only question is … When to do it?  Grawr, damn time difference!  I’m moving to Australia, I swear!  Today is the day I cut off all my hair and donate it.  I’m going for a pixie cut like P!nk’s.  I’m excited! Scholarships, scholarships, scholarships… Higher education, here I come.  Oofta.  Look out fashion world, here I come!!! (I’m feeling very inspired this morning) According to my great aunt, I am Danish royalty, descended from a Danish King’s bastard son and some prostitute he brought to America.  Snow day! Yay! It makes love that much more magical.  I’m exhausted…no joke, I’m gonna drop dead at any second.  Goodnight everyone, sweet drea…zzzzzz  Thank God for music.  Facebook is a cigarette, and Twitter is a nicotine patch.  Either way, I seem to be stuck.  He loves me, but I don’t’ know how to return his affection.  I’m scared that he’ll discover who I am and hate me.  I am a complicated girl.  Got roses from my sort-of-boyfriend.  It’s SO hard but I’m just not able to expend energy necessary for a relationship right now. I’m sorry!  Good morning!  Getting my teeth cleaned today… nothing else terribly exciting happening.  Ouch, ow, hey… that was my heart L I am out of the closet, dears.  Free at last! I’m so tired that nothing makes sense anymore, and everything is random penguin know what I mean? I am sick. Awjoeweirunbdfghruivhnsd. I’m going shopping today! YAY thrift stores! :D Divorce, huh? Why does everything have to be so fucked up! Well, if you get together with HIM now, I’m going to hate him forever.  I HATE THIS! It’s so hard to be happy when those you love are falling apart.  L I wish I could help, Stacie! PARTYPARTYPARTY! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU WHY DID YOU DO IT! Ask me anything. Nobody told me the lemon juice was concentrated :X Having my gf over for dinner to make prom negotiations with my parents. SO NERVOUS! Wish us luck… Guess who doesn’t want to go to work? THIS GIRL! Listening to P!nk music and thinking about Keira with a smile on my face.  Go for a run? Nah. Cardio? Pshhh… Dance party??? HELL YEAH! I’m eating smarties coz I’m a smart ass.  Broken heart, yet again.  I’m on an animal rights spree and loving it!  Join peta2, pretty please.  We can save animals lives and love so many hurt and lonely animals.  I have a new phone with which I can tweet regularly! WOO! To those who insult depression, I hope you suffer from it when you come back for your slower death.  It’s hell. Coffee with my favorite author today!! :D I love theater – it’s such a good time J The day after my birthday is always so lack-luster and depressing.  I think Barak Obama is really great J Armed with my bored supermodel bitch facial expression, I take on the day.  I ate a can of frosting in honor of P!nk’s birthday.  I am suddenly very depressed, and tomorrow is Monday.  This is not good.  I dislike being referred to as a minority. >L I am irrationally happy today… Dreading school…fighting for gay rights and safety in my school makes me feel like I’m butting my head against a wall.  Woooot! Headed to church soon! Midnight on New Year’s: I turned off my phone, rolled over, and cried myself to sleep.  Another year I have to fight thru for some semblance of happiness.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere I’m so socially awkward. L I am addicted to tumblrrrr! Thank God for Lady Gaga! On my way to church, where I’m learning to love myself.  Checking my phone, just waitin fer some love… If you’re gonna f*king rape my best friend, you’re gonna hear from me.  The bus driver is scaring me! He really doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.  He doesn’t seem fit to drive school children around.  Kayla told me I looked beautiful and it made my day J I’m furious with myself.  I have a cold L *sniffle sniffle cough.  I have nothing to be happy about unless a sparkly rainbow unicorn flies me away to Harry Potter Land – the real one, not the one in Florida!  Another Tuesday… :P I need a snuggle hug from Emily.  So much homework L I really love gay kisses but I wish it were me getting them, not the boys in the front seat.  Nah, it’s cool, guys.  It’s not like I need friends or anything.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about bleu cheese dressing.  I hate it when my closest friends repeatedly exclude me.  I hate it when guys grab my ass.  For fuck’s sake I’m GAY! I wish it was appropriate to ask someone – Do you even care how much you’re hurting me?  The thought of going to school makes me sick to my stomach.  I just want to learn, I didn’t ask for all this other shit from my peers.  L  Tee hee, she said I’m hot.. I woke up with a smile on my face, so I must have been dreaming of you. I just might cry or have an anxiety attack when they make me go home L So worn out from being sad.  I need to sleep for days, and I need a snuggle.  I’m all cried out.  Please – wrap your arms around me tight, hold on to me while I cry, tell me it’ll be ok and never lie to me or leave me alone.  Yay! I found someone who appreciates my spontaneous outbursts of song!!! It really fuckin upsets me that my gf smokes, my friends drink and are on weed, and yet they have the nerve to tell me to eat more and not to cut myself.  WTF?! I am going to generose to get help.  I love you all and will call/write when I get a chance.  I am safe, so don’t worry.  Hugs and kisses.  Drew Barrymore = I WANT! High school politics are bullshit.  “Look at the stars instead of the dark. You’ll find your heart is shining like the sun.” It’s not summer, nor is it 2001. If you’re going to wear such a tight shirt, PLEASE put your midriff away! Sometimes I’m too damn eloquent for my own good and I end up making up words and no one has a clue what I’m trying to say.  I really wish I knew what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.  Wtf is Yolo? I’m secretly listening to Pandora in class and fighting the urge to sing along to Adele.  All I want is someone to talk to but I feel like there’s nowhere to turn.  “You don’t have enough toes!!!” Lindsey W., Bahahahahaha… That awkward moment when you’re biting your nails without realizing that it looks like you’ve been sucking your thumb for the past 5 minutes.  Yay for beautiful weather and Lady Gaga music!! I’m driving behind a truck full of innocent, darling pigs who are off to the slaughter house.  My heart is breaking!!!!!  I hung a picture of the fabulous Lady Gaga at eye level in the middle of my wall so I can see her often and be inspired!@  I wish it were socially acceptable to sing “Time warp” at the top of my lungs while using a public restroom.  Energy drinks are just shenanigans in a can. o.O Please don’t use racial slurs.  They make me sad.  I looooove this weather!  I just want some quality sleep… come on. Please? I don’t believe in Facebook relationship statuses.  It just gives people license to ask ridiculous personal questions.  I just know that despite all my studying, I’m not going to know any of these vocab words when the quiz rolls around in a few hours.  I want to tell the world how wonderful and beautiful you are.  I can’t believe I almost lost you, and I’m never going to fuck up like that again! “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” Aristotle knows his shit. J I guess sleep will have to remedy my sorrow tonight, since no one will text me back.  Sometimes I think my life should be a music video… That heartbreaking moment when you realize the friendship is over.  If she won’t keep in touch with me then I’m not gonna follow her on twitter! My sunburn itches L My mom is a head case.  My therapist quit her job.  Life sucks and then you die.  And somewhere in the middle, people are mean, your therapist quits, and you have to suffer through high school.  Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin’ Hallelujah, ain’t it fine? Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin down freedom’s main line! Listening to kids in my grade talk about the stupid senior trip., *rolls eyes* Going to Minneapolis for a day of art and amazing food!!! I always do the breaking so I’m not used to being broken.  I will stay up as late as I want thank-you-very-much! I am a big girl and I can make my own mistakes if I want to.  All I feel like posting are snippets of the lyrics to sad songs but that’s ridiculous so I won’t.  Having a difficult time, are you? Well you’re not the only one, so don’t let it go to your head.  I need to stop telling people that sometimes I hurt myself, because I am discovering that no one actually cares and no one will try to help.  It makes me sad that I have to pay for someone (therapist) to listen to me & care about me. And do they truly care about me? Probably not.  I am so ready for these last three days of school to be over.  My feelings have officially been hurt. Yeah, there will be other opportunities for this, but it just won't be the same. :(  I got my sunglasses on and tears rolling down my face.  Snapple tea makes me feel fancy!  Graduation is on Sunday.  I can’t wait to get it over with!!!!  Last day of school.  Whoop!  I want breakfast in bed.  Prayers for my cousin. He’s in the ER this morning.  Eating disorders are lame.  I don’t recommend them.  Talk to me. Sometimes I want to scream it at you. Just TALK TO ME. Tell me why you have a problem with me. Talk to me about anything. !!!!!!  I've been here for an hour and I'm still trying to decide if you're the type who'd tell me you're gonna be here just to make me feel bad.  Sometimes, when it’s late at night and I’m depressed, I initiate conversations that I end up regretting.  Fantasy: holding hands with you and kissing you while we lay on the grass under the fireworks.  Sitting alone next to strangers, listening to depressing music, and quietly crying because my best friend is moving away across the country.  I’m pretty excited for Bob Dylan to be in Rochester!!! Hope I can afford tickets.  Things to do: cry, shower, cry, sleep, unpack, eat.  When I’m home alone at my grandma’s, singing and cooking, I wish so much that I could afford my own place.  I’m tired.  I need a new job.  In other news, I’m getting my nose pierced next week!  I seriously want to strangle my psychiatrist.  These side effects are torture!  I am out of my mind…I came to the mall at 5:30am to get in line for the grand opening of Forever XXI. 

Dr. Oz 08/07/2012 "Feederism"

Written Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I. HATE. Doctor Oz.  Every time I see his show it terrorizes me.  His focus is on different ways to lose weight.  It's so triggering! I want to take notes, try out his methods.  I am so tempted to fall back into my disordered eating habits and start losing weight again.  I hate Doctor Oz and I need to stop watching it.

Today's show is truly horrifying to me. The guests on the show are "feederists," women who want more than anything to be fat.  They want to be the fattest women in the world.  They get off on it, they think their enormous bodies are beautiful. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be judgemental or critical of them. Kudos to them for their self-confidence. The thing is, they don't think their bodies or eating habits are unhealthy.

That's their choice, that is what this episode of Dr. Oz is focusing on; however, from an eating disordered point of view these women are monsters.  They are my worst nightmare.  Seeing them and their pride for being large turns me off to food and eating. I feel threatened.  I feel enormous.  I want to starve.

I don't want to come off as being bitchy.  Recognizing that these women are my worst fears personified makes me feel so mean.  I am scared and confused by these women.

I want to over compensate for the extra weight I carry.  I am 5'7" and weight 127 pounds.  I have gained four pounds in the past month.  I am admittedly the exact weight I should be, maybe even a little under.  A counselor at church camp last week even told me she though I look like I am under 120 pounds (I wish!). I just don't always see that I am a good size.  I am scared of my body.  Sometimes I don't know how to feed myself.

How do y'all eat like it's no big deal?  Aren't you terrified?  I am hyper aware of what I eat and what the consequences of my eating may be.  I am terrified of gaining weight.

This is all I can say on this topic for now, or I will end up talking in circles. 

Salutations, blogging world...

I deleted my tumblr a few days ago.  I was posting nothing but thinspiration on it, and I know how toxic that can be for people with eating disorders and issues with body image.  I feel the need to start fresh.  I wish I had a new blog engine.  I wish I knew how to set up my own website.  I'll most likely just stay here though, since I've already got this blog set up, and I enjoy writing. Why change, right?

I suppose this is a reflection upon my frustration with life in general, lately.  I'm in a new city trying to change my lifestyle for the better, but I am still depressed.  One thing I am grateful for is the fact that I have a blank slate... Very few people here know who I am.  I can make new friends, if I like, but I really don't intend to put down any lasting roots here, except my deep roots in the church.  I'll only be in this city for two years, so I see it as more of a stepping stone.  I don't want to settle here.  It is just the next phase in the process of further education. 

The future is terrifying.  I am constantly trying to better myself in order to improve my future, soften it a little. 

I'm still scared. 
                I'm still depressed. 
                                        I am still unsure. 
                                                             I need help. 
                                                                           I need to get my shit together. 

that's me writing

Hanging out downtown...

I am sitting on a bench in the shade in the Peace Plaza.  I like the idea of a place called the “Peace Plaza.”  There are fancy shops, art galleries, restaurants, and a Barnes & Noble around it, and a fountain in the middle.  I recently discovered that the plaza has free wi-fi, so I came here today because needed a change of scenery.  The sun is out, so I’m sure my shade will recede within the hour.  There are a few people around enjoying expensive brunches as well as sitting and simply enjoying the plaza.  I should come here more often.  If it gets too hot out here, I can always go into the Barnes & Noble.  I’m getting some strange looks… does no one ever use the wi-fi here? 

I have not yet gotten bored with my new city, but I have been feeling depressed and uninspired.  I wish I were able to work more because I could really use the money.  Not only for college, but also so I could do more to entertain myself. 

I wish I had dressed up a bit more.  I feel like such a loser sitting here with my laptop when I’m not even dressed like a hip blogger.  I want to meet up with someone today.  My best friend is in Michigan, and a lot of other people I want to see haven’t gotten back to me in a few days.  :P  The urban life can be a lonely one…

Tomorrow is the street market, therapy, and gay youth group.  Today is boring and hot, so far.  I need to find an adventure for myself!  Later this afternoon I’ll go home and change into something more stylish and then come back to the plaza, perhaps. 

I want to get some taize music at the library, if they have any.  That would be marvelous.  I got some yoga dvd’s yesterday, and discovered that I suck at yoga.  My coure sin’t very strong, and my balance is terrible.  I’m not going to quit though.  I really want to get good at it because I think it will help me get ready for my ballet class in the fall.

Next week I have to go camping with my parents and my oldest sister.  I swore I wasn’t going to go camping with my parents this summer, but my sister is going and I really want to see my sister.  Ugh.  I feel like I’ve been bribed.

Well dearies, I’m off in search of the perfect summer adventure.  Love love love!

Dessa

Did I tell y'all about the Dessa concert? I dont' believe I did... I don't know if there are any Minnesotans or Dessa fans out there, but if there are, this one is for you. 

Last Thursday I went to a free Dessa concert downtown.  I had a spot right next to the stage.  I could have reached out and touched Dessa if I wanted.  Aby Wolf was also performing.  I got pictures with both of them, and they both signed my t-shirt.  It was so cool! 

What are your favorite Dessa and Aby Wolf songs?  If you're not into that kind of music, who are your favorite musicians? I'd love to hear from y'all. 

Gay Pride Adventures!

Ladies and gentlemen, I went on an amazing adventure on Saturday!  This weekend was the gay pride festival in the twin cities. I had plans to go to the pride festival with my best friend, but her car broke down. I didn't have any other way to get to the cities so I was really upset, but after moping for half the day I realized I could take a bus! So, I grabbed my purse & rushed out to catch a shuttle to the Minneapolis airport. While I was waiting for my shuttle to arrive, I contemplated telling my parents where I was going (I didn't have permission to go or anything. I just decided to go. This is a big deal for me because I am compulsively obedient & I have never done anything rebellious in my life). I was very anxious & stressed out that my mother might be furious. I tried calling to tell them that I was going so they would know where I was should anything go wrong. Their line was busy though... I read the entire bus schedule twice to calm myself down and boarded the shuttle.

When I arrived at the airport my dear friend Andrea picked me up and took me to Loring Park where the festivities were taking place. I encountered several friends & acquaintances in the six hours I spent there, but for the most part I was on my own. I got rainbow temporary tattoos, rainbow bracelets, and all kinds of stickers & buttons. There were food stands all over the place peddling greasy fair food...regrettably I reveled in the fact that there was no one around to make me eat. And so I did not. There were so many beautiful gay people!! I felt right at home. There were, of course, the Vote No volunteers & the Human Rights Campaigners. There was a strip of tents for various O&A churches, where I got a rainbow peace sign necklace. There was an area full of dogs, dog treats, and rainbow dog collars. My favorite part was a tent in which a dog layingwas laying next to his owners with a sign that said "Free Puppy Kisses!" I got a free puppy kiss. :)

When the time came for me to go back to the airport & take the shuttle home, my friend Andrea walked me downtown. I took the 55 bus to the Franklin Ave lightrail station, which then took me to the airport. The airport is where things got interesting... I got there at 7:50, and my shuttle was scheduled to leave at 8:15. I ran all over the airport getting more & more lost. By 8:12 I was nearly in tears, but I figured out that I had to take a tram to the opposite end of the airport to get to where the shuttle was. Once I was in the shuttle I was soooo relieved. It would not be good to get stranded there since I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place!

I was so tired when I got back to Rochester. Maybe I'll even tell my parents about it ;)

Planning my Funeral

I just went on the bike ride from hell... I rode from my house on the south side of town 20 minutes to the north side of town with a back pack of at least 20 pounds. When I got there, my bike lock wouldn't close so I had to go all the way back home to ask my gramma to drive me to my destination. Did I mention it's 90 degrees out there?? I need a nap. I'm hungry again, too.  Fuck.

My friend and I are planning my funeral.  It's going to be a blast!  There will be tons of cool celebrities there, and a dance party afterwards.  It'll be more like a wedding reception than a post-funeral gathering.  The guest list includes Heidi Klum, P!nk, the Queen of England, Lady Gaga, Tim Gunn, Ellen and Portia Degeneres, Obama, Lily Allen, and Paul McCartney.  Oh, and my family.  At the after party there will be dancing and french fries, ranch dressing, chocolate cake, cheesecake, red wine, champagne, and beer.  I don't actually like beer but my friend and I agreed it would probably be a good thing to have for those who do like it.   There will be blue irises, calla lilies, unicorns, rainbows and glitter everywhere.  P1nk will sing "Beam Me Up," Lady Gaga will perform "Born This Way" (even though I'll be dead this way), and there will be a hug circle.  I love hug circles...

I wish I could be there.  I've always wanted to meet these people!  And I love me some red wine and cheesecake.

Nostalgia Bites

She was my best friend for seven years.  She controlled me, said awful things to me, beat me up occasionally, made me do thinks I hated myself for afterwards, told my other friends not to talk to me, and made me feel stupid and unworthy of anyone’s friendship.  And that was just elementary and high school!

When we got older you started hanging out with boys who called me fat when I was around.  You told me the homemade clothes I designed were ugly and made me look poor.  You never missed an opportunity to tell me I’m a whore.  You let your dog bite me without disciplining him and told me to suck it up and get used to it. 

When I stopped eating, you encouraged me.  You took me out for long bike rides and runs and yelled at me, “Keep up!  Do you want to lose weight or not?”  When I cut myself, you told me I was doing it wrong and showed me how to properly kill myself. 

Sometimes you were nice to me and I felt like our friendship was genuine.  In retrospect, however, it was never enough to make up for how poorly you treated me.  I haven’t spoken to you in two years nor have you spoken to me.

We just “drifted apart,” as you say, but I also know that you think homosexuality is sick and wrong.  “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you told me when I came out to you. 

When I look at you I realize I don’t even know you anymore.  I was always your loyal friend because you made me think no one else would ever be my friend.  You caused me so much anger and hurt.  So why the hell do I miss you so much sometimes?

I was really stupid to hang out with you for as long as I did.  What a waste of seven years.  Now you’re bleach-blonde, thinner than I am, you have a mustang and a steady boyfriend.  I’m not envious of you though.  I’m just pissed that my friend stopped using me as a muse for her artistic photography and switched to you.  In pictures of me I was art.  In pictures of you, your eyes are dead and you look like a posed doll.  Now I get to call you a whore, even though I’ll never say it out loud. 

Shower Prayers

Hello, hello everyone!  I'm back!  I am now writing from my new city.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up.  I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts.  I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it. 

Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience!  A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends.  I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings.  I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops.  I helped out with communion during sunday worship. 

During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown.  The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them.  My interview was at the end of the video.  I talked for the longest.  It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out.  After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey.  I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs.  It was a cool experience.  :)

I had a hard time eating at the conference.  Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder.  I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine.  I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference.  I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped.  She is my rock.  While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply.  They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need.  I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light).  I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me.  I was mortified and furious with myself.

I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them.  I was in a foul, self-hating mood.  I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends.  I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm.  I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode.  I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize.  I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder.  There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder.  I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work.  I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut.  I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad.  I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely.  I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them.  I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters.  My faith means everything to me right now.  I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life. 

This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed.  I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends.  A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation.  It's a bit like baptism, I suppose.  It's purifying. 

I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences. 

I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great. 

Dear readers, I have a favor to ask.  A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality.  Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do.  He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him. 

Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx

A Sad Playlist for a Sad Day

Fiona Apple -Limp
Marina and the Diamonds -Teen Idle
Sia -I'm In Here
Elliot Smith -Between the Bars
Skylar Grey -Invisible

I would love for someone to grab my shoulders, shake me and say "I can tell you've lost weight. You look sick. What have you eaten today?" so I can have the satisfaction of saying "Absolutely nothing."

I don't think anyone has noticed, though.  And if they have, they don't care enough to do anything about it.

The Only Title I Can Come Up With Is: "Today Sucked."

I am the kind of girl who always tries her hardest to put on a happy face, and takes off this mask only when she is sincerely unable to smile.  For people who know me, you may think that this isn't entirely true - or on the contrary you may think that I really am happy all the time.  It depends on how well you know me and how much  of my personal struggles I am willing to share with you.  Either way, I feel that most people don't have a clear perception of who I am and what I feel. 

Tonight is one of those times when I physically cannot smile.  Too often I say, "I'm okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it!" and don't let anyone know that I'm actually hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused.  I tend to let people walk all over me.  Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes its too much.  I need to write about this.  I need to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better as a result.  I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, place blame, or make anyone feel bad.  If I do, I am very sorry and I really don't mean to do so.

Ever since my first spring play, I have looked forward to being recognized as a senior in my final spring play.  The director gives each senior a card and flowers.This year was my turn for that, but I missed the boat... I went back and forth debating whether I wanted to be in the play.  I didn't try out, but got a part.  I only wanted a small part, but felt that I wasn't living up to my potential and that I would disappoint someone if I didn't take on a larger role.  So I switched from a one-liner to a more substantial supporting role of a character named Clougheïe.  I wasn't enjoying myself at practices at all.  I was depressed, self-concious, and felt like an outsider with the rest of the cast.  My depression got the best of me and I quit the play. 

Weeks later I felt bad that I wasn't a part of it anymore and went to one of the final rehearsals, hoping to put my time and talents into a backstage job.  I was assigned to helping out with makeup.  The first night of the job, several girls in the cast made it very clear to me that I was not wanted there.  They didn't think it was fair for me to quit and then come back and expect to be able to participate.  I don't blame them...

 I made sure one of the guys who was helpless with makeup got ready, and then moved on to lights.  The other kid on lights treated me like I was an idiot and when no one else was around he told me he felt good about his job with lights and curtain, but he was really worried that I was going to screw up the whole show.  That didn't make me feel very good.  I am just as capable of running sound and lights as he is. 

At the end of the show, the I went up onstage at the end of the curtain call with the other guy on lights & curtain.  There were three seniors on the stage.  Two of them were recognized, given their hug, card, and flowers.  I was not. 

I do not, in any way blame the director for forgetting about me.  It's my own damn fault because I quit.  I should have toughed my way through it even though it was hard.  I am really disappointed in myself for giving up my role.  It was a stupid move.  Yes, I remember exactly what my sadness and discomfort felt like when I was in the play, and it was awful.  I've felt like that in other plays as well, but I stuck with it in the past.  I'm furious with myself for not doing so in this case. 

I ruined this evening for myself, and I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Star Bellied Sneetches have a good lesson for us. :)

We are all different.  We are all equal.  We are all human. :)

For Corey

This evening I will be attending the memorial service of a boy who was my age.  He was bullied for being gay, adn it drove him to end his own life.  I only met him once and now he's dead and I'll never get to know him better.  To all of you who bully other people because they are different or because you want to feel better about yourself, STOP IT.  There were two teen suicides in the past couple weeks, and that is far too many.  Corey died when he jumped off a bridge.  I jumped off a bridge once.  I didn't die, I wasn't even hurt. Kind of a miracle, huh? I wish there could have been a miracle for Corey.  Corey was a great kid.  The world wants him back.

If I could explain, I would.

I don't have words today. I don't have words for this. I could try, I guess.
It's
hopeless  
     immense
          overwhelming
               all-consuming
                    dark
                         cold
                              lonely
                                   hollow
                                        bitter
                                            unbearable
                                                 helpless
                                                         sadness.   

 

Role Models

I have been reading Crystal Renn's book, Hungry and I am in love with it.  Aside from my unhealthy penchant for books about eating disorders, I'm beginning to enjoy the end of the book in which she gets better.  I haven't finished it yet, but Renn makes a multitude of excellent points about the stigma surrounding the modelling industry, the facts and myths of eating disorders, and ties it all together with her clever sense of humor and heart wrenching stories of her personal experiences with the disease.

I have also read Unbearable Lightness by Portia De Rossi and Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.  Reading Unbearable Lightness made me feel level with Portia.  Her descriptions of the painfully embarrassing moments that take place in everyday life make her seem friendly and real, and I felt a connection with her because of her open & honest writing about her eating disorder. 

Marya's book is terrifying, yet fascinating.  The thrilling plot aside, she is a brilliant writer!  You can tell by her style of writing and beautiful language that she is wildly intelligent, but she also uses a fluid, tumbling stream of manic thoughts going through her head during her narrative. 
I love books, don't you? :)

Next on the reading list... Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Best Little Girl in the World by Steven Levenkron, Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, and Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. I've read them all before, but they're so good!  I'm on an anorexia kick, I guess.

My Favorite Quotes:

"Dead girl walking,” the boys say in the halls.
“Tell us your secrets,” the girls whisper, one toilet to another.
I am that girl.
I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through.
I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame.
-Wintergirls, Laurie Halse Anderson

“I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death.”
-Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

Lora and I started fighting over nothing.  Well, not really over nothing.  I was taking my shirt off, my back to her. 
“Max, let me see your back.”  Her voice was sharp.  I had stopped changing in front of her.  I had slipped.  “What?  No.”  I pulled my pajama tops on and went into the bathroom, locking the door. 
“Max!”  She banged on the door.  “What the fuck is up with your back?” 
“What are you talking about?” My hands ran their panicked course over the bones of my back, my collarbones, my wrists, my knees.
“Max, you aren’t eating!  Come out here!”  I came out and stood in front of the mirror, brushing my hair.  It fell to the floor in thin dark clouds.  She stood at her desk, banging things. 
“You know, Max, this is, like, bullshit.”  I didn’t say anything.  I looked at myself sideways in the mirror.  I was thinner, but not thin enough yet. 
“I mean, like, you could talk to someone about this, or something.”  I got into bed and vigorously cracked open a book. 
“MAX,” she screamed.  I looked up, waiting. 
“Fuck you,” she said.  “I mean, about this.  Just fuck you.”  She slammed out of the room. 

-Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

"Fat and Skinny had a race
All around the pillow-case
Fat fell down and broke her face
Skinny said, ha-ha, I won the race!"
-The Best Little Girl in the World, Steven Levenkron

"It's 4:15am.  It's time for my morning workout.  I have exactly one hour to run and do sit-ups and leg lifts before I get in the car to drive forty-five minutes to the set for my 6:00am makeup call...As I slip out of bed and do deep lunges across the floor to the bathroom, I promise myself to cut my calorie intake in half to 150 for the day and take twenty laxatives...But i's not the weight gain from the six ounces of yogurt that worries me.  It'sthe loss of self-control."

-Unbearable Lightness, Portia de Rossi

I NEED BRITNEY BACK, DAMMIT!

Sapphire - Therapist = very bad

Peaceful moments

The front doors are bathed in sunlight if the weather allows.  Between the pillars that support the awning are wooden benches.  Walk inside… to your left is Fellowship Hall where church meals, meetings, and events take place.  To the right is the sanctuary.  The sanctuary is big and blue.  The carpeting is blue and the wall behind the altar is blue.  The side walls are white and set with colorful stained glass windows.  The light-colored wooden pews have maroon cushions on them.  The vaulted ceiling is made of the same light wood.  On the altar is a projection screen where they show the lyrics to our songs, our prayers, and announcements for the congregation.  Dead center on the wall behind the altar is a depiction of God wrought in brass.  God has his/her/its hands outstretched and a halo around his/her/its head.  There are no facial features, or clues to any gender or race.  In front of that is a podium where from which our two pastors preach (though they rarely remain stationary behind the podium) and a table from which communion is served.  On the right side of the altar, set back from the rest of the main floor is a raised floor where the choir sits between songs.  In front of this space are the mics, the drums, the piano, and the organ for making music during worship.  I like the sanctuary best after service when the lights are off and sunlight streams down through the windows.  I have many fond memories of sitting alone in the sanctuary or sitting there with just one person for company – usually my youth pastor.  I became a member of Peace in the sanctuary, my youth pastor blessed my prayer shawl in the sanctuary, and I have spent a lot of time in the sanctuary crying, praying, and meditating. 
 

My youth pastor blessed my prayer shawl for me.  We went into the Sanctuary.  It was just the two of us and we sat in a back corner that was full of sunlight streaming down through the tall, stained-glass windows.  She and I sat cross-legged with the shawl between us.  She arranged the shawl in a circle with a plastic, batter-powered tea light in the middle.  We both put our hands on it and I sank my fingers into the soft, purple yarn.  I could feel the sunlight on my shoulders.  She said the prayer:

May god's grace be upon this shawl...

warming, comforting, enfolding and embracing.

May this mantle be a safe haven...

a sacred place of security and well being...

sustaining and embracing in good times,

as well as difficult ones.

May the one who recieves this shawl be cradled in hope, kept in joy,

graced with peace,

and wrapped in love.  Amen. 

I thanked her; she gave me the prayer sheet and asked me to blow out the candle.  I chuckled nad pushed the button on the bottom of the plastic candle. 
 

She gave me a big hug.  It all felt very special and holy in the quiet, beautiful, sun-filled sanctuary.  I want to remember it. 
 

There was another moment I want to remember from Peace church.  It was on Good Friday, during the end of lent.  After the service was over, I stayed in the sanctuary to meditate, pray, and find some comfort and rest.  Both pastors were praying with those who stayed in the Sanctuary.  It was peaceful in the dark but I also had veelings of fear of the future and sadness about Jesus' death threatening to overwhelm me. My youth pastor came to sit by me.  We leaned together and she wrapped her arms around me.  I closed my eyes and tried to let all my worries melt away for a little while.  squeezed my shoulder and said, "God, be with sapphire always."
 

I felt so loved and treasured in that moment.
 

"Always."
 

God is and will be with me always.  My youth pastor helped me to realize and believe this.
 

That prayer was one of the few, breif, and far between moments in which I felt happiness, beauty, and comfort.  I need to hold on to these precious memories and reflect on them during hard times. 

The sanctuary is my favorite part of the church.  On the floors above and below the main sanctuary are classrooms and rooms for meetings.  I am more familiar with the lower floor.  There is the Iglesias sanctuary on the left for the Spanish services that take place on Sunday afternoons; to the right are Pastor Paul and Pastor Kayla’s offices.  Down from that are high school, middle school, and preschool classrooms, as well as bathrooms, and a small theater.  I go to faith formation in the high school room.  When you first walk into the high school room, there is a ping pong table that is occasionally cluttered with art supplies, bibles, and other things.  There is also a foosball table.  Five couches are arranged in a circle.  There is an area carpet in the middle with dark, muted squares of color.  A table stands on the carpet with candles on it, a box of markers, pens, and pencils, and a stack of paper.  There is a large television that looks as though it’s been around since the invention of the flat screen TV.  Back to Fellowship hall – carpet of questionable color (it’s got a little bit of everything in it) tan walls, high ceiling.  There are a few long rectangular tables on one side, and lots of round tables surrounded by folding chairs.  There is a podium that I have never seen being used that has a sound board on it.  The kitchen is right next to the main room and has a large window/counter for serving food.  The church is fairly large.  There is one main level with the sanctuary, church office, Fellowship hall, and Peace room.  The other side of the church is split into three levels with classrooms, meeting rooms, and a couple more offices.  Peace is the one place where I am able to let go of everything troubling me and just be happy.  It is the one place in my life where I am fully accepted for exactly who I am and loved without reservation.  This church saved me from a lot of grief I’d been getting from the Catholic church I attended my whole life up until a year ago.  Peace UCC teaches me about a God that loves everyone, not just a select few people; a God who is more like a parent than anything.  I love the people who go to my church with me.