Grrr, It's a Struggle!

Well, dears, I seem to be on the edge of the cliff -- I can either walk away to safety, or fall back into my old ways.  I've been eating really well lately, and I'm really proud of myself for it! I haven't been eating "easy" foods either.  Instead of measured out granola, yogurt, and salads, I've started eating things like toast and eggs, potato chips, fruit salad (the kind with marshmallows =] not the healthy kind), chocolate cake, etc.. It's crazy! And at first I was having a lot of fun eating whatever I wanted.  But I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious about it.  Yesterday, because of the amount of food in my lunchbox, my bag of potato chips didn't fit in it, and I had to carry it separately.  It was so humiliating.  I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me for the amount of food I had.  I kept thinking, If all the food doesn't even fit in the f-ing lunch box, then it must be too much!!!  I ate it all, though.  I wanted to cry, but I made myself eat it.  I didn't even purge afterwards.  Today was harder though.  I was tempted to skip lunch, and although I did eat, I didn't eat as much as I normally do.  At play practice after work, I was eating a meal from Subway.  I sat on one side of the stage, and everyone else sat on the other side.  The separation made me feel like I was too fat to associate with any of the other actors there.  I felt like because I was the only one of them who was eating, my peers were disgusted to by me. 

I'm kind of proud of the level of self-respect and improved body image that I've gained.  But there's still that damn voice in the back of my head, you know? It's my eating disorder telling me what a pathetic mess I am, and telling me how much better I could be if I didn't eat.  I don't want to lose myself to anorexia or bulimia again, because I've learned a lot from the progress I've made towards recovery so far.  I know that I can be happy if I let myself go and allow myself be happy.  I've gotten so close I can almost touch it.  I just have to make the switch from "I have an eating disorder," and "I'm recovering from an eating disorder" to "I used to have an eating disorder."  It's not an easy change to make.  I've had my eating disorder for 11 years - since I was 5 years old.  It's like an old friend, and I struggle every day to make myself see that there is a better life waiting for me if I let myself have it. 

I've got to stay strong.  I have to, or I will die. 

For those of you reading this who also suffer from eating disorders, you need to know this too:
You have to stay strong.  You have to, or you will die.

A Short and Sweet Weekend Post =)

Today I woke up slowly, and layed around reading with my parents in the early-morning patches of sunlight. The book I'm reading right now is a twist on Lewis Caroll's Alice In Wonderland called The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor.  The web site's pretty cool and there's FREE STUFF, guys!!! The book is full of puns, and actually pretty entertaining! I'm usually not a big fantasy lit fan, but I really like this book! 

My mom has spent this weekend spoiling me, and I LOVE it!! She made breakfast for me yesterday and today, as well as a cappuccino this morning.  She's full of hugs and cuddles for me.  I guess we just have more time to be together on weekends.  I don't always get along with her, but I figure that as long as I am right now, I shouldn't waste any time! 
I took some amazing pictures of the potted amaryllis in my living room this morning, and then later at sunset.

The Dreaded First Post

Good morning, fellow bloggers :)

I hate first blogs.  They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in   readers.  I don't have any ideas like that.  I just plan to write about my quirky life.  I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog. 

Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?

I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years.  I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights.  I am a lesbian.  I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer.  I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time.  I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer.  I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.

Hmmm, what else to write...

Well today I worked most of the day.  I work at a restaurant in a small town.  I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me.  Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade.  Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded.  The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin.  I can't wait to move to a big city.  I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.

I really love fashion.  I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world.  I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses!  And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing.  Using fur is just not ok.  Fur is dead.  But I'll write more about that in a later post. 
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light.  If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm.  I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help.  I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people.  But I might be able to give a little support.

Well, that's all for today, folks.  I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that.  I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo