Thanksgiving was wrought with anxiety. I ate mashed potatoes with butter, half a plate full of stuffing, cranberry sauce, applesauce, and two slices of pumpkin pie. I did get to go for a short walk afterwards, and I climbed trees with my cousins, but I still felt guilty. I was wearing my prized Calvin Klein skinny jeans and I was bloated and hanging over the waist-band. I don't know if it was just body dysmorphia or if it was real, but I could feel rolls of fat around my middle. I felt disgusting. I tried to have a good time anyways. It was pretty hard.
Since then, I've tried to ignore the fact of what I ate on Thanksgiving and move on with more important things in my life. I really do want recovery. Yesterday went really well. I ate all my meals without restricting or purging, I didn't over exercise, and I felt relatively ok with myself. Today is a different story altogether.
Today I feel like my stomach is huge and the tops of my arms are flabby. The last time checked I weighed 131 pounds. I should be proud of this, and be happy with my healthy body. But I miss the days when I was 99 pounds. That's bad.
I am really struggling. I have a war going on in my head between my superego and id. I want to skip lunch and workout after school, but I need to eat, accept myself, and study and go to Art Club after school.
I have some cuts on my leg that I have to let heal before I can wear short skirts again, but what bums me out even more is that I don't know if I have the courage to wear short skirts because I'm not confident about my legs.
I need to reach out to my friends and family for help and support but I am really insecure about asking for help. I see myself as a greedy person. I want more love than I deserve, and I crave security. Is that bad? I love helping others, but I dont' think I'm good enough to be given help or love.
Now I'm just ranting.....
And so , dear readers, I need your support. Send prayers, send me good vibes, whatever it is you do. And above all, treat yourselves well today. Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Eat, drink, and be merry, as they say. 'Tis the season and all that...
If you're struggling too, post a comment and I'll email you. I would love someone to talk to.
If you have any advice, please share! How do you deal with feelings of self hatred, and the temptations to restrict, purge, or hurt yourself during recovery?
