Nostalgia Bites

She was my best friend for seven years.  She controlled me, said awful things to me, beat me up occasionally, made me do thinks I hated myself for afterwards, told my other friends not to talk to me, and made me feel stupid and unworthy of anyone’s friendship.  And that was just elementary and high school!

When we got older you started hanging out with boys who called me fat when I was around.  You told me the homemade clothes I designed were ugly and made me look poor.  You never missed an opportunity to tell me I’m a whore.  You let your dog bite me without disciplining him and told me to suck it up and get used to it. 

When I stopped eating, you encouraged me.  You took me out for long bike rides and runs and yelled at me, “Keep up!  Do you want to lose weight or not?”  When I cut myself, you told me I was doing it wrong and showed me how to properly kill myself. 

Sometimes you were nice to me and I felt like our friendship was genuine.  In retrospect, however, it was never enough to make up for how poorly you treated me.  I haven’t spoken to you in two years nor have you spoken to me.

We just “drifted apart,” as you say, but I also know that you think homosexuality is sick and wrong.  “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you told me when I came out to you. 

When I look at you I realize I don’t even know you anymore.  I was always your loyal friend because you made me think no one else would ever be my friend.  You caused me so much anger and hurt.  So why the hell do I miss you so much sometimes?

I was really stupid to hang out with you for as long as I did.  What a waste of seven years.  Now you’re bleach-blonde, thinner than I am, you have a mustang and a steady boyfriend.  I’m not envious of you though.  I’m just pissed that my friend stopped using me as a muse for her artistic photography and switched to you.  In pictures of me I was art.  In pictures of you, your eyes are dead and you look like a posed doll.  Now I get to call you a whore, even though I’ll never say it out loud. 

Lazy Thursday

Yesterday I had a very productive session with my therapist.  She's very nice, hard-working, and is just the right fit for me to work with.  I like her a lot and trust her - two things that have never occurred for me.  I've always loathed my therapists and doubted their methods.  My therapist is brilliant and I'm so lucky to have found her.  I'm sure some of you can understand the vital importance of finding a good therapist. 

She's quitting her job.

She dropped this bit of news on me like a ton of bricks at the end of our session yesterday.  She was very apologetic and promised me it had nothing to do with me.  She said that had she known when we started working together that she was going to take a break from counseling that she never would have begun working with me.  I really, really don't want her to go.  I only get two more sessions with her. 

On a lighter note, my school's wind ensemble is playing themes from modern Broadway shows for this year's Pops Concert.  One of the pieces we're playing is a compilation of songs from Phantom of the Opera.  My favorite actress, Amy Walker wrote a parody of the song "All I Ask of You."  Knowing the lyrics to the parody makes me giggle every time we rehearse this number. 

Amy is a brilliant actor, singer, and dancer, and you may know her from her 21 Accents video she put on YouTube.  This video went viral and jump started her acting career.  She is the head of the ConnectedFilm Project and the Soul Fire Project.  I was fortunate enough to interact with her during one of her Amy Walker LIVE shows and spoke to her about the pressure for the perfect body in the acting world, and discussed acting schools and art schools with her.  She had a quiz on her website several months ago, and the first person with the most correct answers would receive a personal note from Amy.  I won, and got a postcard from her!  I admire her so much and envy her talent. 

The rest of the senior class is in Florida right now, taking their senior trip to Disney World or Disney Land, whatever it is.  I chose not to go because I'm not close with anyone in my class except for my best friend Stephinee, and Disney World has never had any appeal to me.  I would rather go to Harry Potter Land, or Europe, or Australia.  My sisters both decided to forgo the senior trip for Europe instead.  If I had the money I would definitely be in Australia right now. 

Due to the severely lowered class numbers with the senior class gone, there's nothing to do in our classes.  It's fabulous!  I get to spend all day reading, getting ahead on my homework, listening to my iPod... just hanging out in general.  I'm in my civics class and we're watching Avatar. 

Well, that's all folks.  Have a nice afternoon. =)

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

Yayness and Bliss!

Last night I brought my girlfriend to church with me for the Ash Wednesday meal and service.  I had a wonderful time!  I ate vegetarian soup with fake beef in it (or at least I assumed it was fake beef, and I really, really hope it was).  There was also delicious French silk pie for dessert, which I ate with strawberries. 

 

It was so good to be at church, surrounded by friends & my girlfriend.  I thanked God over and over for leading me to such happiness.  I really am phenomenally happy.  I also get to go to church again on Sunday.  I love going to church.  I go to a United Church of Christ, and it is so welcoming and accepting.  The church community there is like a family.  I love them all so much! 
Next week I’m leaving for a retreat with the youth from my church.  I’m so excited!  I can’t wait.  Next week is going to be sooo long! Especially Friday, since I have to go to school until 2pm before I leave for camp.  Yay! I’m blissing out! 

Hugs, cuddles, and blessings to you!

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

Purple Hair

I dyed my hair purple last night at a friend's house.  It was fantastic.  I had such a good time! When my I got home my parents laughed at me and took pictures of me.  I woke up this morning in an exquisite mood, knowing I would go to school and be quietly amazing, but when I got to school, lots of people wanted to talk to me.  I guess the key to people noticing me is purple hair.  I really didn't think they would care.  Well maybe this means no one will run into me in the hallway like I'm invisible today.  They do that.  They look me in the eye, then look over my head and plow right into me. 

Brace yourself for the weirdest, most random blog post yet...

I was at a friend's house and her mother came into her room and gave me a great big hug. Maybe she saw it In my face, or maybe she could tell I was hanging onto her for dear life, but she rubbed my back and said, "Heyyy, it's gonna be ok.." All soft and mom-like. I adore my friend's mother.
I don't want you to think that my parents are bad, or that they don't love me. Its just that I can't seem to get enough love from them. I am constantly hungry for affection and people like her mom make me feel like it's gonna be ok. That's a rare sentiment for me. I kind of collect mothers, I guess,but I want love and care and I feel like I have a huge hole in my chest to fill. I feel so black and empty and small. I have a terrible hunger for affection. I need hugs. The Need is gnawing at my heart, hollowing out my chest. It resides where my lungs used to be and breathes its own frosty, rotting breath into me. I can hear the hollowness behind my sternum; it's a dull thud-thump. I can feel it push on the back of my rib cage and probe its fingers around muscle and bone. I need someone to hold me so I won't fall apart if this Hunger splits me in two. I can't hold myself together. So here's how I do it: I wrap my teddy bear up in my prayer shawl, and crawl into bed and squeeze him tight.  Then I pray and imagine I'm spooning with a wonderful, loving wife and I've got our child in my arms.  That is what it takes for me to be calm when I'm all alone and I don't have anyone to talk to.  I've got it all figured out. 

Does that seem weird?

I can't wait for high school to be over.  My life in high school is HELL.

Hello dear readers...

... that is, if I even have any readers.  I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on.  I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school.  I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band.  Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot.  It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want.  I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr. 

The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped!  So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question.  I need a creative outlet, I guess.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress.  I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that.  I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of.  When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects.  I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.

So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write.  That is, after all, what I came for. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October.  It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened.  I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility.  As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges.  She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back.  It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally.  She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better.  Maybe she needs help making boundaries. 

I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic.  I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions.  I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so.  I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it. 
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak.  She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that.  I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently. 

I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime.  Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious.  Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported. 

There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of.  It's a one-act play called "Asylum."  It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum.  My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died.  There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident.  It's a really amazing show. 

When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to.  We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it.  Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show.  Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun,  I'll be glad when its over.  It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this. 

I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater.  I want to be a fashion designer and an actress.  Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)

But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc. 

I haven't been well, either.  I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac.  I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping.  If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time. 
I'm nervous.  I just want to feel better, you know?  I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide.  I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years.  I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom.  Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that.  I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are. 

Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later. 
Peace

Holiday Woes

I haven't posted in a while because I've been extremely busy with school and extra curricular.  I find myself needing to write now because it is the holiday season and this is very stressful for me because of all the eating involved.  I have been trying very hard to recover, which requires me to permit myself to eat and enjoy it without fear, self-hatred, or guilt.  It's not easy. 

Thanksgiving was wrought with anxiety.  I ate mashed potatoes with butter, half a plate full of stuffing, cranberry sauce, applesauce, and two slices of pumpkin pie.  I did get to go for a short walk afterwards, and I climbed trees with my cousins, but I still felt guilty.  I was wearing my prized Calvin Klein skinny jeans and I was bloated and hanging over the waist-band.  I don't know if it was just body dysmorphia or if it was real, but I could feel rolls of fat around my middle.  I felt disgusting.  I tried to have a good time anyways.  It was pretty hard.

Since then, I've tried to ignore the fact of what I ate on Thanksgiving and move on with more important things in my life.  I really do want recovery.  Yesterday went really well.  I ate all my meals without restricting or purging, I didn't over exercise, and I felt relatively ok with myself. Today is a different story altogether.

Today I feel like my stomach is huge and the tops of my arms are flabby.  The last time  checked I weighed 131 pounds.  I should be proud of this, and be happy with my healthy body.  But I miss the days when I was 99 pounds.  That's bad. 
 

I am really struggling.  I have a war going on in my head between my superego and id.  I want  to skip lunch and workout after school, but I need to eat, accept myself, and study and go to Art Club after school. 

I have some cuts on my leg that I have to let heal before I can wear short skirts again, but what bums me out even more is that I don't know if I have the courage to wear short skirts because I'm not confident about my legs. 
 

I need to reach out to my friends and family for help and support but I am really insecure about asking for help. I see myself as a greedy person.  I want more love than I deserve, and I crave security.  Is that bad?  I love helping others, but I dont' think I'm good enough to be given help or love.
 

Now I'm just ranting.....
 

And so , dear readers, I need your support.  Send prayers, send me good vibes, whatever it is you do.  And above all, treat yourselves well today.  Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Eat, drink, and be merry, as they say. 'Tis the season and all that...
 

If you're struggling too, post a comment and I'll email you.  I would love someone to talk to. 

If you have any advice, please share! How do you deal with feelings of self hatred, and the temptations to restrict, purge, or hurt yourself during recovery?

I need to blog more...

Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers.  And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn.  Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately.  Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems.  I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time. 

Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in.  Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.  It's really irritating!  Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp.  I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech.  It drives me nuts!

My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away.  This is more difficult than I thought.  I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it.  I did it for several years before!!!  But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired.  So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander. 

My depression is also eating me up.  There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes.  I really have to get my grades up!  I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood.  I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it.  And i need to work harder!!!  Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off.  Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation.  I'll do all my homework on time.

I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums.  I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings.  The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite.  Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking!  We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Yum!  If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind.  It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were.  I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta.  Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it! 
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)

Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request. 

I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images.  This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit. 

I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx

Life sucks.

I just found out that one of my nearest and dearest friends is anorexic.  I'm so angry / torn up / sad.  I want to scream and cry, and be with her and hold on to her and make it all better.  These things shouldn't happen to good people.  Why does it always happen to people I love? FUCK THE WORLD!!!!!! ARRGH!

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do????

I have to keep her alive, that's all I know.

The Dreaded First Post

Good morning, fellow bloggers :)

I hate first blogs.  They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in   readers.  I don't have any ideas like that.  I just plan to write about my quirky life.  I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog. 

Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?

I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years.  I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights.  I am a lesbian.  I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer.  I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time.  I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer.  I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.

Hmmm, what else to write...

Well today I worked most of the day.  I work at a restaurant in a small town.  I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me.  Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade.  Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded.  The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin.  I can't wait to move to a big city.  I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.

I really love fashion.  I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world.  I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses!  And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing.  Using fur is just not ok.  Fur is dead.  But I'll write more about that in a later post. 
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light.  If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm.  I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help.  I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people.  But I might be able to give a little support.

Well, that's all for today, folks.  I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that.  I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo