It’s very strange how the mind works. In my numerous and wild experiences with
mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness. I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to
be totally joyful all of the time. Even
mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7. The goal is not to fix everything, to make
everything perfect, to never be sad again.
The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation.
Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave
(because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to
me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid). Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down
throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the
individual, their experiences, and their mental health. Healthy minds are, to the best of my
understanding, like even sine waves.
Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys. My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous
seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.
Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating. Other times I can count on being depressed
for quite a while. If ever my mind gains
any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to,
however below that of a healthier person’s mind. Like I said earlier, stability is the goal,
so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given
and continue to try to focus on the positive.
Seismic Wave:
The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur. I am stressed out because I’m starting
college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get
ready. I doubt it will be, but I am
terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but
academically. In high school I was
depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.
My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work
was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse. I have to try so much harder now to be happy
and focused so that I can get my work done.
College is so important to
me! This is the part of my life where
maybe my dreams will start to come true.
I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up.
I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying
because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane,
and frightened I am. I’m confused
because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I
have very little control over my emotions lately. Being depressed is a given. I have been depressed since I was a child, so
I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever. I say insane because in the unpredictability
of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a
few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and
stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning
obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings. I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because
late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid
that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this
charade of perfection, health, and stability.
Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild
ride. I woke up relatively cheerful,
went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed
and binged rather than having a normal lunch.
I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was
someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the
guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to
me. When I came home from the library
this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being
miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really
don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself. I decided to go downtown. I had a marvelous time there! I walked around the street market, ate pizza,
a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my
life. I went for a ride on a bike cab,
which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud. I went home feeling blissful and well
satisfied with the evening’s adventures.
Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel
miserable all over again. I’m depressed
(surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way. I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared
because I hate not knowing what will happen next. What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like
having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and
trapped in my head things can get very messy.
