Musings on mental health & the Connection issue

Written 8/23/2012

It’s very strange how the mind works.  In my numerous and wild experiences with mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness.  I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to be totally joyful all of the time.  Even mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7.  The goal is not to fix everything, to make everything perfect, to never be sad again.  The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation. 

Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave (because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid).  Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the individual, their experiences, and their mental health.  Healthy minds are, to the best of my understanding, like even sine waves.  Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys.  My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.  Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating.  Other times I can count on being depressed for quite a while.  If ever my mind gains any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to, however below that of a healthier person’s mind.  Like I said earlier, stability is the goal, so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given and continue to try to focus on the positive. 

 

Seismic Wave:

 

The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur.  I am stressed out because I’m starting college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get ready.    I doubt it will be, but I am terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but academically.  In high school I was depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.  My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse.  I have to try so much harder now to be happy and focused so that I can get my work done.  College is so important to me!  This is the part of my life where maybe my dreams will start to come true.  I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up. 

I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane, and frightened I am.  I’m confused because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I have very little control over my emotions lately.  Being depressed is a given.  I have been depressed since I was a child, so I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever.  I say insane because in the unpredictability of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings.  I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this charade of perfection, health, and stability. 

Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild ride.  I woke up relatively cheerful, went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed and binged rather than having a normal lunch.  I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to me.  When I came home from the library this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself.  I decided to go downtown.  I had a marvelous time there!  I walked around the street market, ate pizza, a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my life.  I went for a ride on a bike cab, which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud.  I went home feeling blissful and well satisfied with the evening’s adventures. 

Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel miserable all over again.  I’m depressed (surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way.  I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared because I hate not knowing what will happen next.  What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and trapped in my head things can get very messy. 

End the Silence

Today is a terrible day.

I'm supposed to be taking notes right now, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't care about much of anything at present.  I would give anything to be in the sanctuary at Peace church right now.  I'm tired and sad and run-down.

I miss my girlfriend.  Oh sorry, I mean ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, void.  There's a blackness in my chest that won't go away. My insatiable need for affection is eating away at me.  Having such a tremendous need makes me feel pathetic and very irritated with myself.  I'm so frustrated with this neediness, wanting, and sickness. 

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! I don't want to, but that's how I feel right now.  I have lots of good reasons for this, too, so it's hard to convince myself that it's alright, I'm alright.  I am behind in three of my six classes, and owe make-up work in two more classes.  I'm trying to ask my supports for help, but I'm talkng in circles.  It's damn near impossible for anyone to help me in the state I'm in. 

I'm really hungry.  I've been indulging in "target behaviors," whatever the hell that means...  I've been reading memoirs about anoretics, and all I've eaten today is 4 oz of fat-free yogurt.  I only ate that to appease someone who's concerned about me.  I feel really bad for making people worry about me.  I'm such a stupid, worthless piece of sh*t. 

I wish Sarah would stop staring at me.  To the students sitting around me while I'm blogging in class: Yeah, I get it. We have a ten page paper to work on, and I'm already behind schedule.  I honestly don't care, though, so leave me alone and quit looking at me like I'm a hopeless bum.  I am a hopeless bum, but it's really none of your business.

The school counselor is unavailable for the next two weeks, and I only get to go to therapy once a week.  I'm screwed. I need someone to talk to.  I need someone to help me eat.  I need a hug. 

I wonder if we have play practice tonight. I can't remember. Rachel...?

I need some serious inspiration and motivation here.  I'm going nowhere fast. 

Bonnie

When I was still a part of the Catholic church I had a fabulous confirmation teacher.  Due to my pent up, secret anger with God and disbelief that God existed I clammed up and didn't allow her to teach me much about my faith.  Outside of the church, however, she was a huge inspiration to me.  She, like me, had also struggled with an eating disorder in her past, and was familiar with the misery of mental illness. I used to go for long walks on summer evenings and would "coincidentally" end up at her house.  She could usually be found out in her front garden with her dog and cat enjoying the weather.  We stood outside in front of her house and had long conversations about mental illness, faith, our interests, and homophobia in the church.  She helped me through hard times.  She was always there to give me a hug when I needed it, she understood my pain but she also understood my creativity and encouraged me to put it to use when I needed emotional release. 

Unfortunately, her mental illness came back to plague her.  For nearly a year now, I have not spoken to her or heard from her.  I don't even know if she ever leaves her house anymore.  When I've tried to contact her, she says she has too many mental & physical health issues to reach out to anyone and that she is focusing all her energy on getting well and taking care of her family.  I understand and respect her decision to pull away from her social life to focus on what's really important to her, but at the same time I can't deny the fact that I miss her so much.  My heart is breaking for her because she means the world to me and I can't stand to imagine how much pain she is in. 

I saw her tonight - just a glimpse when I walked past her house with my aunt's dog.  Her hair is longer.  I can't tell if she's thinner or not.  She turned around for a moment before walking behind her house and I don't know if she saw me or recognized me.  I really wanted to yell her name, make her see me, and insist on giving her a hug; a healing embrace.  I have to respect her needs, though. 

I might write a letter, just to let her know what's going on in my world and remind her how much she means to me, and let her know I'm thinking of her and praying for her.  There's so much I want to tell her.  I want to share the news of my new found love with her, let her see my blue hair as well as show her photos of when my hair was purple.  I want to let her know I'm here for her, I will listen, and that she is worth the world to me.  It's very hard to let go and wait for her to come to me. 

I plan on inviting her to my graduation party.  I really hope she comes.

Sia - I'm In Here

Emmaus at Peace

Here is a drawing of me holding a 6-week old baby at church.  He's so precious and warm and tiny.  Last Sunday I got to hold him for half an hour while he slept, and it was wonderful.  I love the little squawks and baby grunts he makes in his sleep.  :)  It's so calming to have a tiny body curled up and sleeping on your chest.  I sang the lullaby my mom made up for me to him. Usually I can't remember it except for a vague semblance of the tune, but when I sang to baby Emmaus I magically remembered all the words. 

Jesus bless you, Emmaus
While you're fast asleep
You'll awake to loving smiles
Sunshine rays & cloudy days
And I pray your whole life through
Angels will watch over you
Loving you the way I do,
My Emmaus sleep well

...and he cooed and gurgled at me in his sleep.  I thought I'd share that little bit of bliss with you.

In other news, my girlfriend and I are taking a "break" now.  I posted about this yesterday as well, but I had not yet talked to her about it.  If you listen to the song "Call it off" by Tegan & Sara, you will understand my current situation.  Tegan & Sara sum it up beautifully. 

 I hope and pray that I can figure my shit out and we can stay strong until prom at the very least.  She blames herself, despite my insistence that none of this is her fault.  It's all in my head.

Today I must eat.  I must, I must, I must.  I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I need some church and some more Emmaus cuddle-time.
 

Create a beautiful day...  

Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

I loooooooove Sia!

Crisis Update

I'm having a rough week.  In the aftermath of my meltdown two weeks ago, I am struggling to keep my head above the figurative waters.  I eat only because I have to, and only when I absolutely must.  The youth pastor at my church is keeping me afloat by making sure I tell her what I eat.  Last night she called me and I was able to talk to her for a while.  The thing about not eating is that once I start restricting or fasting, it's hard for me to eat again.  Starvation for me has a snowball effect - If I skip even one meal, or restrict just a little, I think, "Why not keep going? I'm on a roll."  It's a horrible, destructive cycle.  I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. 

I also feel like my relationship is just hanging on by a thread.  My girlfriend is very loyal to me, but right now I"m not able to give back to her because of my decaying mental health.  I want her, and I want to be able to love her as much as she loves me but right now I can't.  I'm beginning to feel that our previous friendship impedes our relationship because we know each other's weaknesses and thus are too careful of each other.  I hate cutting our relationship short; I hate the idea of just throwing it away after all we've been through to get here, but I'm contemplating taking a break from the romance at the very least.  When J and I got together I thought I was ready for a relationship and that what we had could last, but lately I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

At this point, I want to forget all my problems and just focus on school, my art, and I want to create tons of art and read a lot.  That sounds fabulous! I wish it were that simple - just drop everything and relax.  It doesn't help any that I'm sitting in a library as I write this and I see so many great titles lining the walls. 

Speaking of books, I'm going to write a letter to J. K. Rowling.  I hope I hear back from her!  She is so fabulous. 

Dear readers, I hope you are having much better lives than me.  And for anyone with an eating disorder reading this, please seek help.  I know it seems like a good idea to starve right now, but in the long run you'll regret it.  If you don't regret it, it means you're dead. 

Create a beautiful day...

Uh-oh...

Today I have an appointment with a new therapist.  It's the same therapist my girlfriend sees; J suggested I try working with her. I really don't mind seeing a new therapist, and I'm excited to start working with her.  The only thing that bothers me about today is that it's my first appointment with her, which means a bit of family therapy.  I hate family therapy!! I can tell my mom is just as stressed out as I am.  She likes to play the cool, calm, in control mother and pretends to be deeply loving and comforting towards me when a doctor is watching.  In real life she's full of harsh, rude questions and everything is my fault.  I hate that.  Last night she was pissed off at me for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I'm fucked and she has to go to therapy with me today. 

In my opinion, she has it easy.  All she has to do is sit there, look nice, and give the doctor her insurance information.  I have to pass off a bunch of bullshit to my parents and sit on my hands the whole time so they won't see that I've been scratching the skin off the back of my hands.  It's not self-injury so much as it's an anxiety problem, but they wouldn't understand that.  Self injury really pisses my mom off and she tends to punish me by taking away my internet priveleges or my music when she finds out I've been hurting myself. 

As soon as my parents leave the room I can tell my therapist the truth, but I can't own up to hurting myself in my parent's presence.  My mom has seen one of the scratches on my left hand and is under the impression that it's the remnants of a blister from dripping hot water on myself by accident.  Once I start a lie like this, I have to keep it up until my hand heals and the scar is all gone.  That way they can forget about it. 

After my appointment I get to see my girlfriend for a very short bit - she has the appointment right after me, so I'll get a kiss in the waiting room before I leave. 

I love her.  I'm so relieved that I got to spend some time with her yesterday.  She came to church to me.  <3 Jessa + church = the perfect night for Sapphire.  All the things I love rolled into one. 
The bell is about to ring - I have to get to class... :P Wish me luck!

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

Yayness and Bliss!

Last night I brought my girlfriend to church with me for the Ash Wednesday meal and service.  I had a wonderful time!  I ate vegetarian soup with fake beef in it (or at least I assumed it was fake beef, and I really, really hope it was).  There was also delicious French silk pie for dessert, which I ate with strawberries. 

 

It was so good to be at church, surrounded by friends & my girlfriend.  I thanked God over and over for leading me to such happiness.  I really am phenomenally happy.  I also get to go to church again on Sunday.  I love going to church.  I go to a United Church of Christ, and it is so welcoming and accepting.  The church community there is like a family.  I love them all so much! 
Next week I’m leaving for a retreat with the youth from my church.  I’m so excited!  I can’t wait.  Next week is going to be sooo long! Especially Friday, since I have to go to school until 2pm before I leave for camp.  Yay! I’m blissing out! 

Hugs, cuddles, and blessings to you!

Snuggles for your heart :)

Remember what I posted yesterday? Well things are different.  Everything is changing.  I now have a beautiful girl in my life and I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

No, i know that realistically everything will not be perfect just. like. that. but I can try harder, you know? So I'm not gonna mope around on my blog anymore.  I'm not going to post thinspo on my tumblr anymore.  I'm going to be a happy cheerful kind of girl.

J gives me so much hope and when I am with her, I am truly happy.  I can't wait for this weekend! I'm spending most of it with her. :)
Wish me luck, ladies and gents!

I love Lady Gaga.

That is all.

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

True Love

I just discovered that Portia and Ellen Degeneres' wedding anniversary is the same day as my birthday.. Life made <3