My mom is a headcase.

Good morning! Today I am wearing boots, a convertible dress by Lapis, and studded faux-leather accessories.  To sum it up, I look haute :) Despite the incessant quarreling with my mother, I'm actually in a pretty good mood today.

Last night at 11:30 pm my mother came storming into my room saying "Where is your cell phone? Where is your cell phone?!" I was rather crabby about being so rudely woken up. 
"Why?" I said, "What do you want it for?"
"I want it to be downstairs, just give it to me," she hissed.
"It's in  my backpack," I said, and started to look for it.  It was actually sitting on top of the stack of books I have beside my bed, and I picked it up and gave it to her. 
"You little liar!"  She was practically growling at me.  "It wasn't in your backpack!"  She stormed downstairs with my phone in her hand. 

Are you confused yet? Because at this point, I certainly was.  I didn't know why the hell my mom was so set on putting my cellphone downstairs.  I certainly wasn't happy that she had woken me up in the middle of the night to take my cell phone from me for no apparent reason and call me a liar. 

I got out of bed and waited for her to come back upstairs.  When she came stomping back up to her room (it's a wonder my dad managed to sleep through this episode) I stood in the doorway and said, "I am not a liar."
"Your phone was in your hand! It wasn't in your backpack!" She said. 
"It was on the floor next to my backpack! I'm sorry it wasn't inside my bag, I forgot that I left it out.  What did you take it for?"
She just went back to bed without answering me.  I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep again. 

If anyone has any idea what the fuck went down last night, please enlighten me because I am so confused!  I wasn't using my cell phone, I was sleeping, so I don't know why she took my phone away.  This morning she didn't talk to me much, but she acted like nothing had happened.  I know she wasn't sleep walking.  She was very awake, and very pissy.  I just don't understand why.  She keeps getting angry at me for stupid little things, or for no reason at all.  I'm really sick of it and I cannot wait to move out in a few months! 

My mom is fucking mental. That's all I have to say.

Crisis Update

I'm having a rough week.  In the aftermath of my meltdown two weeks ago, I am struggling to keep my head above the figurative waters.  I eat only because I have to, and only when I absolutely must.  The youth pastor at my church is keeping me afloat by making sure I tell her what I eat.  Last night she called me and I was able to talk to her for a while.  The thing about not eating is that once I start restricting or fasting, it's hard for me to eat again.  Starvation for me has a snowball effect - If I skip even one meal, or restrict just a little, I think, "Why not keep going? I'm on a roll."  It's a horrible, destructive cycle.  I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. 

I also feel like my relationship is just hanging on by a thread.  My girlfriend is very loyal to me, but right now I"m not able to give back to her because of my decaying mental health.  I want her, and I want to be able to love her as much as she loves me but right now I can't.  I'm beginning to feel that our previous friendship impedes our relationship because we know each other's weaknesses and thus are too careful of each other.  I hate cutting our relationship short; I hate the idea of just throwing it away after all we've been through to get here, but I'm contemplating taking a break from the romance at the very least.  When J and I got together I thought I was ready for a relationship and that what we had could last, but lately I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

At this point, I want to forget all my problems and just focus on school, my art, and I want to create tons of art and read a lot.  That sounds fabulous! I wish it were that simple - just drop everything and relax.  It doesn't help any that I'm sitting in a library as I write this and I see so many great titles lining the walls. 

Speaking of books, I'm going to write a letter to J. K. Rowling.  I hope I hear back from her!  She is so fabulous. 

Dear readers, I hope you are having much better lives than me.  And for anyone with an eating disorder reading this, please seek help.  I know it seems like a good idea to starve right now, but in the long run you'll regret it.  If you don't regret it, it means you're dead. 

Create a beautiful day...