I NEED BRITNEY BACK, DAMMIT!

Sapphire - Therapist = very bad

Nothing I do works.

I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes.  I'm just there because I have to be.  I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading.  It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia.  The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream.  I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today.  I'm too upset to function, really.  I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again.  I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out.  I need to at least try to work.  When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days.  When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard.  I have goals.  If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living? 

If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor.  I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day.  I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better. 
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well.  Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset.  This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities. 

I need someone to yell at.  I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon. 

No words.

I'm having a rough day.  I feel empty.  Something is lacking.  As usual, I have no ideas, no reasons for why I feel this way.  When I have a bad day like this and there is no reason for how I feel, it seems like some part of me that I'm unaware of is in control. 

I have no words for this.  I can't even think straight.  It takes a great deal of effort just to put together a coherent sentence. 

Sia - I'm In Here

Crisis Update

I'm having a rough week.  In the aftermath of my meltdown two weeks ago, I am struggling to keep my head above the figurative waters.  I eat only because I have to, and only when I absolutely must.  The youth pastor at my church is keeping me afloat by making sure I tell her what I eat.  Last night she called me and I was able to talk to her for a while.  The thing about not eating is that once I start restricting or fasting, it's hard for me to eat again.  Starvation for me has a snowball effect - If I skip even one meal, or restrict just a little, I think, "Why not keep going? I'm on a roll."  It's a horrible, destructive cycle.  I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. 

I also feel like my relationship is just hanging on by a thread.  My girlfriend is very loyal to me, but right now I"m not able to give back to her because of my decaying mental health.  I want her, and I want to be able to love her as much as she loves me but right now I can't.  I'm beginning to feel that our previous friendship impedes our relationship because we know each other's weaknesses and thus are too careful of each other.  I hate cutting our relationship short; I hate the idea of just throwing it away after all we've been through to get here, but I'm contemplating taking a break from the romance at the very least.  When J and I got together I thought I was ready for a relationship and that what we had could last, but lately I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

At this point, I want to forget all my problems and just focus on school, my art, and I want to create tons of art and read a lot.  That sounds fabulous! I wish it were that simple - just drop everything and relax.  It doesn't help any that I'm sitting in a library as I write this and I see so many great titles lining the walls. 

Speaking of books, I'm going to write a letter to J. K. Rowling.  I hope I hear back from her!  She is so fabulous. 

Dear readers, I hope you are having much better lives than me.  And for anyone with an eating disorder reading this, please seek help.  I know it seems like a good idea to starve right now, but in the long run you'll regret it.  If you don't regret it, it means you're dead. 

Create a beautiful day...

Uh-oh...

Today I have an appointment with a new therapist.  It's the same therapist my girlfriend sees; J suggested I try working with her. I really don't mind seeing a new therapist, and I'm excited to start working with her.  The only thing that bothers me about today is that it's my first appointment with her, which means a bit of family therapy.  I hate family therapy!! I can tell my mom is just as stressed out as I am.  She likes to play the cool, calm, in control mother and pretends to be deeply loving and comforting towards me when a doctor is watching.  In real life she's full of harsh, rude questions and everything is my fault.  I hate that.  Last night she was pissed off at me for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I'm fucked and she has to go to therapy with me today. 

In my opinion, she has it easy.  All she has to do is sit there, look nice, and give the doctor her insurance information.  I have to pass off a bunch of bullshit to my parents and sit on my hands the whole time so they won't see that I've been scratching the skin off the back of my hands.  It's not self-injury so much as it's an anxiety problem, but they wouldn't understand that.  Self injury really pisses my mom off and she tends to punish me by taking away my internet priveleges or my music when she finds out I've been hurting myself. 

As soon as my parents leave the room I can tell my therapist the truth, but I can't own up to hurting myself in my parent's presence.  My mom has seen one of the scratches on my left hand and is under the impression that it's the remnants of a blister from dripping hot water on myself by accident.  Once I start a lie like this, I have to keep it up until my hand heals and the scar is all gone.  That way they can forget about it. 

After my appointment I get to see my girlfriend for a very short bit - she has the appointment right after me, so I'll get a kiss in the waiting room before I leave. 

I love her.  I'm so relieved that I got to spend some time with her yesterday.  She came to church to me.  <3 Jessa + church = the perfect night for Sapphire.  All the things I love rolled into one. 
The bell is about to ring - I have to get to class... :P Wish me luck!

Sweaters.

The world is like a new sweater, and i'm the extra button that came in the baggie sewn to the sweater that everyone throws away or loses because they don't need it.