Uh-oh...

Today I have an appointment with a new therapist.  It's the same therapist my girlfriend sees; J suggested I try working with her. I really don't mind seeing a new therapist, and I'm excited to start working with her.  The only thing that bothers me about today is that it's my first appointment with her, which means a bit of family therapy.  I hate family therapy!! I can tell my mom is just as stressed out as I am.  She likes to play the cool, calm, in control mother and pretends to be deeply loving and comforting towards me when a doctor is watching.  In real life she's full of harsh, rude questions and everything is my fault.  I hate that.  Last night she was pissed off at me for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I'm fucked and she has to go to therapy with me today. 

In my opinion, she has it easy.  All she has to do is sit there, look nice, and give the doctor her insurance information.  I have to pass off a bunch of bullshit to my parents and sit on my hands the whole time so they won't see that I've been scratching the skin off the back of my hands.  It's not self-injury so much as it's an anxiety problem, but they wouldn't understand that.  Self injury really pisses my mom off and she tends to punish me by taking away my internet priveleges or my music when she finds out I've been hurting myself. 

As soon as my parents leave the room I can tell my therapist the truth, but I can't own up to hurting myself in my parent's presence.  My mom has seen one of the scratches on my left hand and is under the impression that it's the remnants of a blister from dripping hot water on myself by accident.  Once I start a lie like this, I have to keep it up until my hand heals and the scar is all gone.  That way they can forget about it. 

After my appointment I get to see my girlfriend for a very short bit - she has the appointment right after me, so I'll get a kiss in the waiting room before I leave. 

I love her.  I'm so relieved that I got to spend some time with her yesterday.  She came to church to me.  <3 Jessa + church = the perfect night for Sapphire.  All the things I love rolled into one. 
The bell is about to ring - I have to get to class... :P Wish me luck!