Bonnie

When I was still a part of the Catholic church I had a fabulous confirmation teacher.  Due to my pent up, secret anger with God and disbelief that God existed I clammed up and didn't allow her to teach me much about my faith.  Outside of the church, however, she was a huge inspiration to me.  She, like me, had also struggled with an eating disorder in her past, and was familiar with the misery of mental illness. I used to go for long walks on summer evenings and would "coincidentally" end up at her house.  She could usually be found out in her front garden with her dog and cat enjoying the weather.  We stood outside in front of her house and had long conversations about mental illness, faith, our interests, and homophobia in the church.  She helped me through hard times.  She was always there to give me a hug when I needed it, she understood my pain but she also understood my creativity and encouraged me to put it to use when I needed emotional release. 

Unfortunately, her mental illness came back to plague her.  For nearly a year now, I have not spoken to her or heard from her.  I don't even know if she ever leaves her house anymore.  When I've tried to contact her, she says she has too many mental & physical health issues to reach out to anyone and that she is focusing all her energy on getting well and taking care of her family.  I understand and respect her decision to pull away from her social life to focus on what's really important to her, but at the same time I can't deny the fact that I miss her so much.  My heart is breaking for her because she means the world to me and I can't stand to imagine how much pain she is in. 

I saw her tonight - just a glimpse when I walked past her house with my aunt's dog.  Her hair is longer.  I can't tell if she's thinner or not.  She turned around for a moment before walking behind her house and I don't know if she saw me or recognized me.  I really wanted to yell her name, make her see me, and insist on giving her a hug; a healing embrace.  I have to respect her needs, though. 

I might write a letter, just to let her know what's going on in my world and remind her how much she means to me, and let her know I'm thinking of her and praying for her.  There's so much I want to tell her.  I want to share the news of my new found love with her, let her see my blue hair as well as show her photos of when my hair was purple.  I want to let her know I'm here for her, I will listen, and that she is worth the world to me.  It's very hard to let go and wait for her to come to me. 

I plan on inviting her to my graduation party.  I really hope she comes.