Bonnie

When I was still a part of the Catholic church I had a fabulous confirmation teacher.  Due to my pent up, secret anger with God and disbelief that God existed I clammed up and didn't allow her to teach me much about my faith.  Outside of the church, however, she was a huge inspiration to me.  She, like me, had also struggled with an eating disorder in her past, and was familiar with the misery of mental illness. I used to go for long walks on summer evenings and would "coincidentally" end up at her house.  She could usually be found out in her front garden with her dog and cat enjoying the weather.  We stood outside in front of her house and had long conversations about mental illness, faith, our interests, and homophobia in the church.  She helped me through hard times.  She was always there to give me a hug when I needed it, she understood my pain but she also understood my creativity and encouraged me to put it to use when I needed emotional release. 

Unfortunately, her mental illness came back to plague her.  For nearly a year now, I have not spoken to her or heard from her.  I don't even know if she ever leaves her house anymore.  When I've tried to contact her, she says she has too many mental & physical health issues to reach out to anyone and that she is focusing all her energy on getting well and taking care of her family.  I understand and respect her decision to pull away from her social life to focus on what's really important to her, but at the same time I can't deny the fact that I miss her so much.  My heart is breaking for her because she means the world to me and I can't stand to imagine how much pain she is in. 

I saw her tonight - just a glimpse when I walked past her house with my aunt's dog.  Her hair is longer.  I can't tell if she's thinner or not.  She turned around for a moment before walking behind her house and I don't know if she saw me or recognized me.  I really wanted to yell her name, make her see me, and insist on giving her a hug; a healing embrace.  I have to respect her needs, though. 

I might write a letter, just to let her know what's going on in my world and remind her how much she means to me, and let her know I'm thinking of her and praying for her.  There's so much I want to tell her.  I want to share the news of my new found love with her, let her see my blue hair as well as show her photos of when my hair was purple.  I want to let her know I'm here for her, I will listen, and that she is worth the world to me.  It's very hard to let go and wait for her to come to me. 

I plan on inviting her to my graduation party.  I really hope she comes.

But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

Yayness and Bliss!

Last night I brought my girlfriend to church with me for the Ash Wednesday meal and service.  I had a wonderful time!  I ate vegetarian soup with fake beef in it (or at least I assumed it was fake beef, and I really, really hope it was).  There was also delicious French silk pie for dessert, which I ate with strawberries. 

 

It was so good to be at church, surrounded by friends & my girlfriend.  I thanked God over and over for leading me to such happiness.  I really am phenomenally happy.  I also get to go to church again on Sunday.  I love going to church.  I go to a United Church of Christ, and it is so welcoming and accepting.  The church community there is like a family.  I love them all so much! 
Next week I’m leaving for a retreat with the youth from my church.  I’m so excited!  I can’t wait.  Next week is going to be sooo long! Especially Friday, since I have to go to school until 2pm before I leave for camp.  Yay! I’m blissing out! 

Hugs, cuddles, and blessings to you!

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

True Love

I just discovered that Portia and Ellen Degeneres' wedding anniversary is the same day as my birthday.. Life made <3

Brace yourself for the weirdest, most random blog post yet...

I was at a friend's house and her mother came into her room and gave me a great big hug. Maybe she saw it In my face, or maybe she could tell I was hanging onto her for dear life, but she rubbed my back and said, "Heyyy, it's gonna be ok.." All soft and mom-like. I adore my friend's mother.
I don't want you to think that my parents are bad, or that they don't love me. Its just that I can't seem to get enough love from them. I am constantly hungry for affection and people like her mom make me feel like it's gonna be ok. That's a rare sentiment for me. I kind of collect mothers, I guess,but I want love and care and I feel like I have a huge hole in my chest to fill. I feel so black and empty and small. I have a terrible hunger for affection. I need hugs. The Need is gnawing at my heart, hollowing out my chest. It resides where my lungs used to be and breathes its own frosty, rotting breath into me. I can hear the hollowness behind my sternum; it's a dull thud-thump. I can feel it push on the back of my rib cage and probe its fingers around muscle and bone. I need someone to hold me so I won't fall apart if this Hunger splits me in two. I can't hold myself together. So here's how I do it: I wrap my teddy bear up in my prayer shawl, and crawl into bed and squeeze him tight.  Then I pray and imagine I'm spooning with a wonderful, loving wife and I've got our child in my arms.  That is what it takes for me to be calm when I'm all alone and I don't have anyone to talk to.  I've got it all figured out. 

Does that seem weird?

I can't wait for high school to be over.  My life in high school is HELL.

I'm hungry for some kisses....

Sorry guys, but that's all I have to say for today.  I want some kisses :)

A Short and Sweet Weekend Post =)

Today I woke up slowly, and layed around reading with my parents in the early-morning patches of sunlight. The book I'm reading right now is a twist on Lewis Caroll's Alice In Wonderland called The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor.  The web site's pretty cool and there's FREE STUFF, guys!!! The book is full of puns, and actually pretty entertaining! I'm usually not a big fantasy lit fan, but I really like this book! 

My mom has spent this weekend spoiling me, and I LOVE it!! She made breakfast for me yesterday and today, as well as a cappuccino this morning.  She's full of hugs and cuddles for me.  I guess we just have more time to be together on weekends.  I don't always get along with her, but I figure that as long as I am right now, I shouldn't waste any time! 
I took some amazing pictures of the potted amaryllis in my living room this morning, and then later at sunset.