I'm getting absolutely nothing done in my classes. I'm just there because I have to be. I'm spending my time looking at magazines, drawing and reading. It's unfortunate because I'm reading about girls with anorexia. The magazines I'm looking at make me cry - they're dance magazines and I want to be a ballet dancer so bad, but that's just another lost dream. I'm trying to draw passionate images of dancers, but I can't draw right today. I'm too upset to function, really. I really shouldn't even be in school, probably, but I will not wimp out again. I stayed home from school for a couple days last month because I was having a melt down, but this time I will tough it out. I need to at least try to work. When I'm in college, I won't be allowed to take mental health days. When I'm in college I'm going to have to actually work, and work really hard. I have goals. If I can't reach them, then what's the point of living?
If someone else had to feel the way I do right now for just a minute or two, they would probably hit the floor. I've built up a lot of mental muscle and scar tissue, I reckon, so I can at least fake my way through the day. I would love for someone to know what exactly is happening inside me right now, and say wow, that's awful... Just to have someone understand would make me feel a tiny bit better.
I am SO PISSED OFF that none of my drawings are turning out well. Drawing is a great release for me when I'm this upset, but only if I draw well. The only trouble is that I never draw well when I'm upset. This causes me to get progressively angrier and more frustrated as well as the original underlying depression and insecurities.
I need someone to yell at. I'm going to turn into a bitch if I don't get help soon.
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