I. HATE. Doctor Oz. Every time I see his show it terrorizes me. His focus is on different ways to lose weight. It's so triggering! I want to take notes, try out his methods. I am so tempted to fall back into my disordered eating habits and start losing weight again. I hate Doctor Oz and I need to stop watching it.
Today's show is truly horrifying to me. The guests on the show are "feederists," women who want more than anything to be fat. They want to be the fattest women in the world. They get off on it, they think their enormous bodies are beautiful. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be judgemental or critical of them. Kudos to them for their self-confidence. The thing is, they don't think their bodies or eating habits are unhealthy.
That's their choice, that is what this episode of Dr. Oz is focusing on; however, from an eating disordered point of view these women are monsters. They are my worst nightmare. Seeing them and their pride for being large turns me off to food and eating. I feel threatened. I feel enormous. I want to starve.
I don't want to come off as being bitchy. Recognizing that these women are my worst fears personified makes me feel so mean. I am scared and confused by these women.
I want to over compensate for the extra weight I carry. I am 5'7" and weight 127 pounds. I have gained four pounds in the past month. I am admittedly the exact weight I should be, maybe even a little under. A counselor at church camp last week even told me she though I look like I am under 120 pounds (I wish!). I just don't always see that I am a good size. I am scared of my body. Sometimes I don't know how to feed myself.
How do y'all eat like it's no big deal? Aren't you terrified? I am hyper aware of what I eat and what the consequences of my eating may be. I am terrified of gaining weight.
This is all I can say on this topic for now, or I will end up talking in circles.
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