But no, seriously, I gotta do some homework...

So last night after a looong day of school I got on the bus with a backpack full of notebooks and papers and readings that I was supposed to do.  Did I even touch them? Hell no! Hahaha, nope, I went to my best friends house and we made waffles for dinner and watched British Skins :) We've been watching the series on Netflix, and we've just started the third season.  I love Kaya Scodelario as Effy.  Her character is fantastic, her costumes are fantastic, and her body is soooo fit! I love her. 

My friend and I ate too much chocolate ganache, a few waffles, and also watched the animated Batman series with her little sister.  Her sister kept sticking her feet under my but and wiggling her toes around while I was sitting on the couch next to her and it was very bizarre. 

Whenever I watch Skins I end up wanting to wear something stylish and bad ass, and go out drinking & dancing with a few fine ladies. It's such a bad ass show and I wish life could really be like that, even though the kids on Skins don't lead very wholesome lives.  At least they have fun!
 

I'm pretty excited about Prom and graduation.  Is anyone else getting really antsy for the end of the year? It's gone by so fast... but not fast enough!  

 

Catch you later...  

I wanna go shopping

Why must all the Christmases and birthdays be so far away? :(

Rainbows, Rowling, and Romance!

High school blows. I'm so excited that I'm graduating in less than 3 months!  It's crazy... It's kind of hard to imagine not going to high school anymore even though I have been desperately longing to get out for so long.  I've been conditioned to the administration's mind-numbing ways!  AUGH!
My classes are going pretty well.  I mean, I'm not a straight-A student or anything, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I need to stop being so hard on myself or I'll never be happy.  I'm reading a lot and learning a lot, so even though my grades aren't perfect, I know I'm learning. 

Last night I painted my nails with rainbows! I love it.  I still need to put some glitter on, though.  I'mma be looking fine for gay bowling this weekend! I'm so excited.  I love bowling, even though I'm notoriously bad at it.  My high score was 14 points for years, but I went to Illinois and my aunt helped me cheat and I acquired a high score of *75*!!! WOOO! Lol..

So, have you heard the news??? J.K. Rowling is going to write a new book!!! It's an adult novel, and it's no Harry Potter, but WHO CARES? J.K. Rowling is writing again! Bust out the champagne!  Harry Potter fans are going wild on twitter.  My favorite tweet is this one, which was quoted in an article on MSN:  “Do we know what it's about? No. When it comes out? No. Are we on cloud nine anyways? You know it.” I can not wait for this book to come out!  I'm so stoked!  I adore J.K. Rowling. <3

Things are still going excellent with the girlfriend, and it is now the morning of our 4th day of dating... Oh, I know, I'm being a cheeseball, but I'm so happy that we're together.  I get to see her tomorrow! Woot!

Well, that is all for now, my little bloggers.

xoxo

Yayness and Bliss!

Last night I brought my girlfriend to church with me for the Ash Wednesday meal and service.  I had a wonderful time!  I ate vegetarian soup with fake beef in it (or at least I assumed it was fake beef, and I really, really hope it was).  There was also delicious French silk pie for dessert, which I ate with strawberries. 

 

It was so good to be at church, surrounded by friends & my girlfriend.  I thanked God over and over for leading me to such happiness.  I really am phenomenally happy.  I also get to go to church again on Sunday.  I love going to church.  I go to a United Church of Christ, and it is so welcoming and accepting.  The church community there is like a family.  I love them all so much! 
Next week I’m leaving for a retreat with the youth from my church.  I’m so excited!  I can’t wait.  Next week is going to be sooo long! Especially Friday, since I have to go to school until 2pm before I leave for camp.  Yay! I’m blissing out! 

Hugs, cuddles, and blessings to you!

Snuggles for your heart :)

Remember what I posted yesterday? Well things are different.  Everything is changing.  I now have a beautiful girl in my life and I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

No, i know that realistically everything will not be perfect just. like. that. but I can try harder, you know? So I'm not gonna mope around on my blog anymore.  I'm not going to post thinspo on my tumblr anymore.  I'm going to be a happy cheerful kind of girl.

J gives me so much hope and when I am with her, I am truly happy.  I can't wait for this weekend! I'm spending most of it with her. :)
Wish me luck, ladies and gents!

I love Lady Gaga.

That is all.

To be, or not to be thin...

That, my friends, is the question. 

I feel that I've been eating too much.  I think I overeat and tell myself it is okay because I am recovering from anorexia and bulimia.  Realistically, it is never okay to overeat!  Yes, it is alright if I allow myself to eat and be well, but I have to have limits just like everyone else.  I can limit what I'm eating and still love myself.  I won't be unhealthy. 

So I've decided to cut back.  Not too much, I will just pay more attention to portion size and I will eat only when I'm hungry.  I don't have to be ritualistic about it like I once was, and I don't plan on counting calories or anything.  I want to eat a little bit less is all.  I am going to start exercising more, too.  I'm too soft.  I'm going to walk more and I am going to start lifting weights so that I can get strong arms and a strong back.  I wouldn't mind hard-core abs, either. 

I'm terrified of becoming unhealthy and becoming an overweight, depressed, middle-aged failure and I'm on the road to becoming just that the way I eat!  I've been eating junk food too much.  This morning I had two left-over pancakes smothered in butter and syrup for breakfast.  I was considering having a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, too, but I talked myself out of it. 

I'm not one to let food go to waste, so I will finish the box of cinnamon toast crunch; I'll spread it out in small servings.  After that I'll start eating healthier things like muesli and whole-grain toast for breakfast (not together obviously, I only ever have one thing for breakfast).

I've gained a lot of weight over the past six - seven months.  I swore to myself I would never go over 120, but already I have let myself slip up to 140.  I haven't been eating much at all lately and I weighed myself this morning to find I'm back down to 130.

If, as a result of this diet, I lose weight, it will be a happy side-affect.  If I don't I'm okay with that.  At least I'll be eating healthier and getting more exercise.

F*ed up Tests and Favorite Teachers

So, about that essay I was supposed to write yesterday... turns out it was an essay test.  When I found this out right after class ended, I was horrified.  I ran home immediately after school and had it written within an hour and a half.  I've never skipped a test before.  I couldn't believe what I'd done when heard the other kids talking about this being the third TEST in AP Lit and Comp this week. 

We're going to start reading Shakespeare next; Hamlet in specific, I think.  I will diligently take notes and read everything I'm supposed to this time! 

For Snow Week (similar to homecoming week, only based around Valentine's Day) we have dress up days all week.  So far we've had Pajama day, Crazy Socks day, College Jersey day, and today is Dress Like Your Favorite Teacher today.  This is the only day I've dressed up for all week.  A teacher of mine and I are wearing all-matching jeans, black shoes, blue shirts, and black cardigans.  We have the same short haircut too, but my hair is purple.  She is much thinner than I am too. I wish I were as thin as her.  I'm just built a little bigger than her.  My bones are turned out wider or something.  She has a narrow, European face; tiny, willowy limbs; and a super skinny torso.  Her hands are long, thin, and graceful.  When I hug her I can feel her bones through her shirt.  She used to be anorexic in college.  I know she's not really anymore, but it still makes me nervous being able to feel her bones all over.  She seems so fragile. 
 

I adore her, though.  She's beautiful, really smart, cultured, and has a really fun personality.  She reminds me of my sister a little bit.  We're very close.  I've learned a lot from her... We email back and forth all day most days, and if I don't email her over the weekend she usually comments on it and asks me what I did over the weekend. 
 

 

Tonight I'm going to gay group.  I'm so excited! I haven't been there in ages.  I always have play practice on Thursday nights, so I'm not able to go, but I have a break between the One Act play and the spring play to go two or three times. 
 

I miss my friends, I want a hug from my ex-girlfriend... Life has been rough lately.  I'm having issues with my friends at school.  I know, I know, everyone goes through that.  Here's the thing though: friends for me are few and far between.  So when two of them exclude me and start keeping secrets from me, serious damage is done.  I cry a lot.  It's really quite pathetic, but its true.  I'm miserable without them.  My heart is breaking and I feel as though my very soul is bleeding.  It hurts.  It hurts the most because they won't tell me why they're treating me this way.  They're making very vague excuses and I know something's up.  I hate it.  :( I need a hug. 
 

True Love

I just discovered that Portia and Ellen Degeneres' wedding anniversary is the same day as my birthday.. Life made <3

I'm getting a D-?! Well, I guess that makes sense...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like the one I’m in now?  I am sitting in my A.P. Literature & Composition class.  We’ve just finished reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, or at least we are supposed to have finished reading it.  I gave up after chapter 12, so there are three chapters left, two of which are veeeerrry long.  Although I’m sure the final 83 pages in the book don’t differ very much at all from the rest of the hideously boring novel, I’m still behind.  We’ve been given an hour and a half to write two essays about the book.  I chose the easiest questions, I have a few ideas about what to write, but I simply don’t have it in me to write two, spur-of-the-moment essays right now!  Most of the class is busy flipping through the book to find (finger quotes and cheesy announcer voice) supporting evidence for their thesis in the text (end quote) or pecking away frantically on their laptops.
I know there are one or two other students in my class who gave up reading ages ago because the book is so dull.   I wonder if they’re struggling as much as me.  I don’t really think that the fact I didn’t finish reading the book has that much to do with my writers’ block, but I know that after I am FINALLY free from the confines of this classroom, I must go home and finish reading that book.  I wish I had taken notes while I was reading.  Then I would at least have twelve chapters of random thoughts so I could bullsh*t my way through these essays. 
The essays are due at the end of the day but I know I’m not going to accomplish anything.  I’ll have to turn them in late. *Gasp.* I just have to stay motivated and actually get it done – preferably sooner rather than later. 
I have this issue with not getting anything done because of my depression.  I either never start my homework because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure (so why even try?) or I intend to start and carefully plan out when I will do the work.  Sometimes I really do try to get some work done but it takes a lot of time and effort so I acquire a “what the hell” attitude and give up. 

The anorexic part of me hates this.  “Get your goddamn work done,” she says. “It’s really not that hard.  Everyone else can function perfectly fine and get all their work done on time.   Why can’t you just put in some EFFORT for once, you fat bitch?!”  My bulimia nods solemnly in agreement but doesn’t say a word.  She’s not very assertive and hates confrontation unless you feed her. 
I have loads of work to do and since I just love making lists, here’s one now:
1.       Big Picture project for online Anthropology class
2.       two sketchbook assignments for online Fine Art
3.       Federalism Timeline for Senior Social
4.       FINISH READING PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK AND WRITE THE FUCKING ESSAYS! And while I’m at it I should probably do the simile discussion response from two weeks ago.
5.       manicure / pedicure
6.       go to Hannah’s house to borrow a dress from her
7.       clean my room
8.       write to Keira (my ex-girlfriend)
9.       arrange to get a ride to and from Gay Lesbian Youth Support meeting tomorrow
So as you can see, I’m a very busy girl.  I really wish I could just get all my homework done tonight, as well as everything else on my list and then log back into my online classes and get ahead in those.  It’s always nice to be ahead.  Successful people should be ahead, wouldn’t you agree?

There are 45 minutes left of class and I should probably do something productive with that time, or at least pretend to, so I am signing off for now. 
Love,
ME