Salutations, blogging world...

I deleted my tumblr a few days ago.  I was posting nothing but thinspiration on it, and I know how toxic that can be for people with eating disorders and issues with body image.  I feel the need to start fresh.  I wish I had a new blog engine.  I wish I knew how to set up my own website.  I'll most likely just stay here though, since I've already got this blog set up, and I enjoy writing. Why change, right?

I suppose this is a reflection upon my frustration with life in general, lately.  I'm in a new city trying to change my lifestyle for the better, but I am still depressed.  One thing I am grateful for is the fact that I have a blank slate... Very few people here know who I am.  I can make new friends, if I like, but I really don't intend to put down any lasting roots here, except my deep roots in the church.  I'll only be in this city for two years, so I see it as more of a stepping stone.  I don't want to settle here.  It is just the next phase in the process of further education. 

The future is terrifying.  I am constantly trying to better myself in order to improve my future, soften it a little. 

I'm still scared. 
                I'm still depressed. 
                                        I am still unsure. 
                                                             I need help. 
                                                                           I need to get my shit together. 

that's me writing

Hanging out downtown...

I am sitting on a bench in the shade in the Peace Plaza.  I like the idea of a place called the “Peace Plaza.”  There are fancy shops, art galleries, restaurants, and a Barnes & Noble around it, and a fountain in the middle.  I recently discovered that the plaza has free wi-fi, so I came here today because needed a change of scenery.  The sun is out, so I’m sure my shade will recede within the hour.  There are a few people around enjoying expensive brunches as well as sitting and simply enjoying the plaza.  I should come here more often.  If it gets too hot out here, I can always go into the Barnes & Noble.  I’m getting some strange looks… does no one ever use the wi-fi here? 

I have not yet gotten bored with my new city, but I have been feeling depressed and uninspired.  I wish I were able to work more because I could really use the money.  Not only for college, but also so I could do more to entertain myself. 

I wish I had dressed up a bit more.  I feel like such a loser sitting here with my laptop when I’m not even dressed like a hip blogger.  I want to meet up with someone today.  My best friend is in Michigan, and a lot of other people I want to see haven’t gotten back to me in a few days.  :P  The urban life can be a lonely one…

Tomorrow is the street market, therapy, and gay youth group.  Today is boring and hot, so far.  I need to find an adventure for myself!  Later this afternoon I’ll go home and change into something more stylish and then come back to the plaza, perhaps. 

I want to get some taize music at the library, if they have any.  That would be marvelous.  I got some yoga dvd’s yesterday, and discovered that I suck at yoga.  My coure sin’t very strong, and my balance is terrible.  I’m not going to quit though.  I really want to get good at it because I think it will help me get ready for my ballet class in the fall.

Next week I have to go camping with my parents and my oldest sister.  I swore I wasn’t going to go camping with my parents this summer, but my sister is going and I really want to see my sister.  Ugh.  I feel like I’ve been bribed.

Well dearies, I’m off in search of the perfect summer adventure.  Love love love!

Dessa

Did I tell y'all about the Dessa concert? I dont' believe I did... I don't know if there are any Minnesotans or Dessa fans out there, but if there are, this one is for you. 

Last Thursday I went to a free Dessa concert downtown.  I had a spot right next to the stage.  I could have reached out and touched Dessa if I wanted.  Aby Wolf was also performing.  I got pictures with both of them, and they both signed my t-shirt.  It was so cool! 

What are your favorite Dessa and Aby Wolf songs?  If you're not into that kind of music, who are your favorite musicians? I'd love to hear from y'all. 

Gay Pride Adventures!

Ladies and gentlemen, I went on an amazing adventure on Saturday!  This weekend was the gay pride festival in the twin cities. I had plans to go to the pride festival with my best friend, but her car broke down. I didn't have any other way to get to the cities so I was really upset, but after moping for half the day I realized I could take a bus! So, I grabbed my purse & rushed out to catch a shuttle to the Minneapolis airport. While I was waiting for my shuttle to arrive, I contemplated telling my parents where I was going (I didn't have permission to go or anything. I just decided to go. This is a big deal for me because I am compulsively obedient & I have never done anything rebellious in my life). I was very anxious & stressed out that my mother might be furious. I tried calling to tell them that I was going so they would know where I was should anything go wrong. Their line was busy though... I read the entire bus schedule twice to calm myself down and boarded the shuttle.

When I arrived at the airport my dear friend Andrea picked me up and took me to Loring Park where the festivities were taking place. I encountered several friends & acquaintances in the six hours I spent there, but for the most part I was on my own. I got rainbow temporary tattoos, rainbow bracelets, and all kinds of stickers & buttons. There were food stands all over the place peddling greasy fair food...regrettably I reveled in the fact that there was no one around to make me eat. And so I did not. There were so many beautiful gay people!! I felt right at home. There were, of course, the Vote No volunteers & the Human Rights Campaigners. There was a strip of tents for various O&A churches, where I got a rainbow peace sign necklace. There was an area full of dogs, dog treats, and rainbow dog collars. My favorite part was a tent in which a dog layingwas laying next to his owners with a sign that said "Free Puppy Kisses!" I got a free puppy kiss. :)

When the time came for me to go back to the airport & take the shuttle home, my friend Andrea walked me downtown. I took the 55 bus to the Franklin Ave lightrail station, which then took me to the airport. The airport is where things got interesting... I got there at 7:50, and my shuttle was scheduled to leave at 8:15. I ran all over the airport getting more & more lost. By 8:12 I was nearly in tears, but I figured out that I had to take a tram to the opposite end of the airport to get to where the shuttle was. Once I was in the shuttle I was soooo relieved. It would not be good to get stranded there since I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place!

I was so tired when I got back to Rochester. Maybe I'll even tell my parents about it ;)

Planning my Funeral

I just went on the bike ride from hell... I rode from my house on the south side of town 20 minutes to the north side of town with a back pack of at least 20 pounds. When I got there, my bike lock wouldn't close so I had to go all the way back home to ask my gramma to drive me to my destination. Did I mention it's 90 degrees out there?? I need a nap. I'm hungry again, too.  Fuck.

My friend and I are planning my funeral.  It's going to be a blast!  There will be tons of cool celebrities there, and a dance party afterwards.  It'll be more like a wedding reception than a post-funeral gathering.  The guest list includes Heidi Klum, P!nk, the Queen of England, Lady Gaga, Tim Gunn, Ellen and Portia Degeneres, Obama, Lily Allen, and Paul McCartney.  Oh, and my family.  At the after party there will be dancing and french fries, ranch dressing, chocolate cake, cheesecake, red wine, champagne, and beer.  I don't actually like beer but my friend and I agreed it would probably be a good thing to have for those who do like it.   There will be blue irises, calla lilies, unicorns, rainbows and glitter everywhere.  P1nk will sing "Beam Me Up," Lady Gaga will perform "Born This Way" (even though I'll be dead this way), and there will be a hug circle.  I love hug circles...

I wish I could be there.  I've always wanted to meet these people!  And I love me some red wine and cheesecake.

Nostalgia Bites

She was my best friend for seven years.  She controlled me, said awful things to me, beat me up occasionally, made me do thinks I hated myself for afterwards, told my other friends not to talk to me, and made me feel stupid and unworthy of anyone’s friendship.  And that was just elementary and high school!

When we got older you started hanging out with boys who called me fat when I was around.  You told me the homemade clothes I designed were ugly and made me look poor.  You never missed an opportunity to tell me I’m a whore.  You let your dog bite me without disciplining him and told me to suck it up and get used to it. 

When I stopped eating, you encouraged me.  You took me out for long bike rides and runs and yelled at me, “Keep up!  Do you want to lose weight or not?”  When I cut myself, you told me I was doing it wrong and showed me how to properly kill myself. 

Sometimes you were nice to me and I felt like our friendship was genuine.  In retrospect, however, it was never enough to make up for how poorly you treated me.  I haven’t spoken to you in two years nor have you spoken to me.

We just “drifted apart,” as you say, but I also know that you think homosexuality is sick and wrong.  “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you told me when I came out to you. 

When I look at you I realize I don’t even know you anymore.  I was always your loyal friend because you made me think no one else would ever be my friend.  You caused me so much anger and hurt.  So why the hell do I miss you so much sometimes?

I was really stupid to hang out with you for as long as I did.  What a waste of seven years.  Now you’re bleach-blonde, thinner than I am, you have a mustang and a steady boyfriend.  I’m not envious of you though.  I’m just pissed that my friend stopped using me as a muse for her artistic photography and switched to you.  In pictures of me I was art.  In pictures of you, your eyes are dead and you look like a posed doll.  Now I get to call you a whore, even though I’ll never say it out loud. 

Shower Prayers

Hello, hello everyone!  I'm back!  I am now writing from my new city.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up.  I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts.  I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it. 

Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience!  A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends.  I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings.  I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops.  I helped out with communion during sunday worship. 

During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown.  The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them.  My interview was at the end of the video.  I talked for the longest.  It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out.  After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey.  I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs.  It was a cool experience.  :)

I had a hard time eating at the conference.  Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder.  I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine.  I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference.  I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped.  She is my rock.  While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply.  They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need.  I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light).  I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me.  I was mortified and furious with myself.

I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them.  I was in a foul, self-hating mood.  I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends.  I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm.  I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode.  I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize.  I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder.  There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder.  I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work.  I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut.  I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad.  I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely.  I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them.  I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters.  My faith means everything to me right now.  I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life. 

This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed.  I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends.  A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation.  It's a bit like baptism, I suppose.  It's purifying. 

I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences. 

I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great. 

Dear readers, I have a favor to ask.  A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality.  Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do.  He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him. 

Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx

A Sad Playlist for a Sad Day

Fiona Apple -Limp
Marina and the Diamonds -Teen Idle
Sia -I'm In Here
Elliot Smith -Between the Bars
Skylar Grey -Invisible

I would love for someone to grab my shoulders, shake me and say "I can tell you've lost weight. You look sick. What have you eaten today?" so I can have the satisfaction of saying "Absolutely nothing."

I don't think anyone has noticed, though.  And if they have, they don't care enough to do anything about it.

The Only Title I Can Come Up With Is: "Today Sucked."

I am the kind of girl who always tries her hardest to put on a happy face, and takes off this mask only when she is sincerely unable to smile.  For people who know me, you may think that this isn't entirely true - or on the contrary you may think that I really am happy all the time.  It depends on how well you know me and how much  of my personal struggles I am willing to share with you.  Either way, I feel that most people don't have a clear perception of who I am and what I feel. 

Tonight is one of those times when I physically cannot smile.  Too often I say, "I'm okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it!" and don't let anyone know that I'm actually hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused.  I tend to let people walk all over me.  Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes its too much.  I need to write about this.  I need to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better as a result.  I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, place blame, or make anyone feel bad.  If I do, I am very sorry and I really don't mean to do so.

Ever since my first spring play, I have looked forward to being recognized as a senior in my final spring play.  The director gives each senior a card and flowers.This year was my turn for that, but I missed the boat... I went back and forth debating whether I wanted to be in the play.  I didn't try out, but got a part.  I only wanted a small part, but felt that I wasn't living up to my potential and that I would disappoint someone if I didn't take on a larger role.  So I switched from a one-liner to a more substantial supporting role of a character named Clougheïe.  I wasn't enjoying myself at practices at all.  I was depressed, self-concious, and felt like an outsider with the rest of the cast.  My depression got the best of me and I quit the play. 

Weeks later I felt bad that I wasn't a part of it anymore and went to one of the final rehearsals, hoping to put my time and talents into a backstage job.  I was assigned to helping out with makeup.  The first night of the job, several girls in the cast made it very clear to me that I was not wanted there.  They didn't think it was fair for me to quit and then come back and expect to be able to participate.  I don't blame them...

 I made sure one of the guys who was helpless with makeup got ready, and then moved on to lights.  The other kid on lights treated me like I was an idiot and when no one else was around he told me he felt good about his job with lights and curtain, but he was really worried that I was going to screw up the whole show.  That didn't make me feel very good.  I am just as capable of running sound and lights as he is. 

At the end of the show, the I went up onstage at the end of the curtain call with the other guy on lights & curtain.  There were three seniors on the stage.  Two of them were recognized, given their hug, card, and flowers.  I was not. 

I do not, in any way blame the director for forgetting about me.  It's my own damn fault because I quit.  I should have toughed my way through it even though it was hard.  I am really disappointed in myself for giving up my role.  It was a stupid move.  Yes, I remember exactly what my sadness and discomfort felt like when I was in the play, and it was awful.  I've felt like that in other plays as well, but I stuck with it in the past.  I'm furious with myself for not doing so in this case. 

I ruined this evening for myself, and I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Star Bellied Sneetches have a good lesson for us. :)

We are all different.  We are all equal.  We are all human. :)