Dr. Oz 08/07/2012 "Feederism"

Written Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I. HATE. Doctor Oz.  Every time I see his show it terrorizes me.  His focus is on different ways to lose weight.  It's so triggering! I want to take notes, try out his methods.  I am so tempted to fall back into my disordered eating habits and start losing weight again.  I hate Doctor Oz and I need to stop watching it.

Today's show is truly horrifying to me. The guests on the show are "feederists," women who want more than anything to be fat.  They want to be the fattest women in the world.  They get off on it, they think their enormous bodies are beautiful. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be judgemental or critical of them. Kudos to them for their self-confidence. The thing is, they don't think their bodies or eating habits are unhealthy.

That's their choice, that is what this episode of Dr. Oz is focusing on; however, from an eating disordered point of view these women are monsters.  They are my worst nightmare.  Seeing them and their pride for being large turns me off to food and eating. I feel threatened.  I feel enormous.  I want to starve.

I don't want to come off as being bitchy.  Recognizing that these women are my worst fears personified makes me feel so mean.  I am scared and confused by these women.

I want to over compensate for the extra weight I carry.  I am 5'7" and weight 127 pounds.  I have gained four pounds in the past month.  I am admittedly the exact weight I should be, maybe even a little under.  A counselor at church camp last week even told me she though I look like I am under 120 pounds (I wish!). I just don't always see that I am a good size.  I am scared of my body.  Sometimes I don't know how to feed myself.

How do y'all eat like it's no big deal?  Aren't you terrified?  I am hyper aware of what I eat and what the consequences of my eating may be.  I am terrified of gaining weight.

This is all I can say on this topic for now, or I will end up talking in circles. 

I NEED BRITNEY BACK, DAMMIT!

Sapphire - Therapist = very bad

Today is a terrible day.

I'm supposed to be taking notes right now, but I just don't feel like it.  I don't care about much of anything at present.  I would give anything to be in the sanctuary at Peace church right now.  I'm tired and sad and run-down.

I miss my girlfriend.  Oh sorry, I mean ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, void.  There's a blackness in my chest that won't go away. My insatiable need for affection is eating away at me.  Having such a tremendous need makes me feel pathetic and very irritated with myself.  I'm so frustrated with this neediness, wanting, and sickness. 

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! I don't want to, but that's how I feel right now.  I have lots of good reasons for this, too, so it's hard to convince myself that it's alright, I'm alright.  I am behind in three of my six classes, and owe make-up work in two more classes.  I'm trying to ask my supports for help, but I'm talkng in circles.  It's damn near impossible for anyone to help me in the state I'm in. 

I'm really hungry.  I've been indulging in "target behaviors," whatever the hell that means...  I've been reading memoirs about anoretics, and all I've eaten today is 4 oz of fat-free yogurt.  I only ate that to appease someone who's concerned about me.  I feel really bad for making people worry about me.  I'm such a stupid, worthless piece of sh*t. 

I wish Sarah would stop staring at me.  To the students sitting around me while I'm blogging in class: Yeah, I get it. We have a ten page paper to work on, and I'm already behind schedule.  I honestly don't care, though, so leave me alone and quit looking at me like I'm a hopeless bum.  I am a hopeless bum, but it's really none of your business.

The school counselor is unavailable for the next two weeks, and I only get to go to therapy once a week.  I'm screwed. I need someone to talk to.  I need someone to help me eat.  I need a hug. 

I wonder if we have play practice tonight. I can't remember. Rachel...?

I need some serious inspiration and motivation here.  I'm going nowhere fast. 

No words.

I'm having a rough day.  I feel empty.  Something is lacking.  As usual, I have no ideas, no reasons for why I feel this way.  When I have a bad day like this and there is no reason for how I feel, it seems like some part of me that I'm unaware of is in control. 

I have no words for this.  I can't even think straight.  It takes a great deal of effort just to put together a coherent sentence. 

Emmaus at Peace

Here is a drawing of me holding a 6-week old baby at church.  He's so precious and warm and tiny.  Last Sunday I got to hold him for half an hour while he slept, and it was wonderful.  I love the little squawks and baby grunts he makes in his sleep.  :)  It's so calming to have a tiny body curled up and sleeping on your chest.  I sang the lullaby my mom made up for me to him. Usually I can't remember it except for a vague semblance of the tune, but when I sang to baby Emmaus I magically remembered all the words. 

Jesus bless you, Emmaus
While you're fast asleep
You'll awake to loving smiles
Sunshine rays & cloudy days
And I pray your whole life through
Angels will watch over you
Loving you the way I do,
My Emmaus sleep well

...and he cooed and gurgled at me in his sleep.  I thought I'd share that little bit of bliss with you.

In other news, my girlfriend and I are taking a "break" now.  I posted about this yesterday as well, but I had not yet talked to her about it.  If you listen to the song "Call it off" by Tegan & Sara, you will understand my current situation.  Tegan & Sara sum it up beautifully. 

 I hope and pray that I can figure my shit out and we can stay strong until prom at the very least.  She blames herself, despite my insistence that none of this is her fault.  It's all in my head.

Today I must eat.  I must, I must, I must.  I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I need some church and some more Emmaus cuddle-time.
 

Create a beautiful day...  

Crisis Update

I'm having a rough week.  In the aftermath of my meltdown two weeks ago, I am struggling to keep my head above the figurative waters.  I eat only because I have to, and only when I absolutely must.  The youth pastor at my church is keeping me afloat by making sure I tell her what I eat.  Last night she called me and I was able to talk to her for a while.  The thing about not eating is that once I start restricting or fasting, it's hard for me to eat again.  Starvation for me has a snowball effect - If I skip even one meal, or restrict just a little, I think, "Why not keep going? I'm on a roll."  It's a horrible, destructive cycle.  I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. 

I also feel like my relationship is just hanging on by a thread.  My girlfriend is very loyal to me, but right now I"m not able to give back to her because of my decaying mental health.  I want her, and I want to be able to love her as much as she loves me but right now I can't.  I'm beginning to feel that our previous friendship impedes our relationship because we know each other's weaknesses and thus are too careful of each other.  I hate cutting our relationship short; I hate the idea of just throwing it away after all we've been through to get here, but I'm contemplating taking a break from the romance at the very least.  When J and I got together I thought I was ready for a relationship and that what we had could last, but lately I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

At this point, I want to forget all my problems and just focus on school, my art, and I want to create tons of art and read a lot.  That sounds fabulous! I wish it were that simple - just drop everything and relax.  It doesn't help any that I'm sitting in a library as I write this and I see so many great titles lining the walls. 

Speaking of books, I'm going to write a letter to J. K. Rowling.  I hope I hear back from her!  She is so fabulous. 

Dear readers, I hope you are having much better lives than me.  And for anyone with an eating disorder reading this, please seek help.  I know it seems like a good idea to starve right now, but in the long run you'll regret it.  If you don't regret it, it means you're dead. 

Create a beautiful day...

To be, or not to be thin...

That, my friends, is the question. 

I feel that I've been eating too much.  I think I overeat and tell myself it is okay because I am recovering from anorexia and bulimia.  Realistically, it is never okay to overeat!  Yes, it is alright if I allow myself to eat and be well, but I have to have limits just like everyone else.  I can limit what I'm eating and still love myself.  I won't be unhealthy. 

So I've decided to cut back.  Not too much, I will just pay more attention to portion size and I will eat only when I'm hungry.  I don't have to be ritualistic about it like I once was, and I don't plan on counting calories or anything.  I want to eat a little bit less is all.  I am going to start exercising more, too.  I'm too soft.  I'm going to walk more and I am going to start lifting weights so that I can get strong arms and a strong back.  I wouldn't mind hard-core abs, either. 

I'm terrified of becoming unhealthy and becoming an overweight, depressed, middle-aged failure and I'm on the road to becoming just that the way I eat!  I've been eating junk food too much.  This morning I had two left-over pancakes smothered in butter and syrup for breakfast.  I was considering having a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, too, but I talked myself out of it. 

I'm not one to let food go to waste, so I will finish the box of cinnamon toast crunch; I'll spread it out in small servings.  After that I'll start eating healthier things like muesli and whole-grain toast for breakfast (not together obviously, I only ever have one thing for breakfast).

I've gained a lot of weight over the past six - seven months.  I swore to myself I would never go over 120, but already I have let myself slip up to 140.  I haven't been eating much at all lately and I weighed myself this morning to find I'm back down to 130.

If, as a result of this diet, I lose weight, it will be a happy side-affect.  If I don't I'm okay with that.  At least I'll be eating healthier and getting more exercise.

Hello dear readers...

... that is, if I even have any readers.  I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on.  I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school.  I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band.  Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot.  It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want.  I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr. 

The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped!  So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question.  I need a creative outlet, I guess.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress.  I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that.  I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of.  When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects.  I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.

So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write.  That is, after all, what I came for. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October.  It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened.  I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility.  As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges.  She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back.  It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally.  She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better.  Maybe she needs help making boundaries. 

I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic.  I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions.  I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so.  I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it. 
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak.  She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that.  I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently. 

I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime.  Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious.  Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported. 

There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of.  It's a one-act play called "Asylum."  It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum.  My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died.  There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident.  It's a really amazing show. 

When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to.  We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it.  Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show.  Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun,  I'll be glad when its over.  It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this. 

I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater.  I want to be a fashion designer and an actress.  Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)

But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc. 

I haven't been well, either.  I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac.  I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping.  If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time. 
I'm nervous.  I just want to feel better, you know?  I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide.  I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years.  I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom.  Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that.  I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are. 

Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later. 
Peace

Holiday Woes

I haven't posted in a while because I've been extremely busy with school and extra curricular.  I find myself needing to write now because it is the holiday season and this is very stressful for me because of all the eating involved.  I have been trying very hard to recover, which requires me to permit myself to eat and enjoy it without fear, self-hatred, or guilt.  It's not easy. 

Thanksgiving was wrought with anxiety.  I ate mashed potatoes with butter, half a plate full of stuffing, cranberry sauce, applesauce, and two slices of pumpkin pie.  I did get to go for a short walk afterwards, and I climbed trees with my cousins, but I still felt guilty.  I was wearing my prized Calvin Klein skinny jeans and I was bloated and hanging over the waist-band.  I don't know if it was just body dysmorphia or if it was real, but I could feel rolls of fat around my middle.  I felt disgusting.  I tried to have a good time anyways.  It was pretty hard.

Since then, I've tried to ignore the fact of what I ate on Thanksgiving and move on with more important things in my life.  I really do want recovery.  Yesterday went really well.  I ate all my meals without restricting or purging, I didn't over exercise, and I felt relatively ok with myself. Today is a different story altogether.

Today I feel like my stomach is huge and the tops of my arms are flabby.  The last time  checked I weighed 131 pounds.  I should be proud of this, and be happy with my healthy body.  But I miss the days when I was 99 pounds.  That's bad. 
 

I am really struggling.  I have a war going on in my head between my superego and id.  I want  to skip lunch and workout after school, but I need to eat, accept myself, and study and go to Art Club after school. 

I have some cuts on my leg that I have to let heal before I can wear short skirts again, but what bums me out even more is that I don't know if I have the courage to wear short skirts because I'm not confident about my legs. 
 

I need to reach out to my friends and family for help and support but I am really insecure about asking for help. I see myself as a greedy person.  I want more love than I deserve, and I crave security.  Is that bad?  I love helping others, but I dont' think I'm good enough to be given help or love.
 

Now I'm just ranting.....
 

And so , dear readers, I need your support.  Send prayers, send me good vibes, whatever it is you do.  And above all, treat yourselves well today.  Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Eat, drink, and be merry, as they say. 'Tis the season and all that...
 

If you're struggling too, post a comment and I'll email you.  I would love someone to talk to. 

If you have any advice, please share! How do you deal with feelings of self hatred, and the temptations to restrict, purge, or hurt yourself during recovery?

Grrr, It's a Struggle!

Well, dears, I seem to be on the edge of the cliff -- I can either walk away to safety, or fall back into my old ways.  I've been eating really well lately, and I'm really proud of myself for it! I haven't been eating "easy" foods either.  Instead of measured out granola, yogurt, and salads, I've started eating things like toast and eggs, potato chips, fruit salad (the kind with marshmallows =] not the healthy kind), chocolate cake, etc.. It's crazy! And at first I was having a lot of fun eating whatever I wanted.  But I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious about it.  Yesterday, because of the amount of food in my lunchbox, my bag of potato chips didn't fit in it, and I had to carry it separately.  It was so humiliating.  I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me for the amount of food I had.  I kept thinking, If all the food doesn't even fit in the f-ing lunch box, then it must be too much!!!  I ate it all, though.  I wanted to cry, but I made myself eat it.  I didn't even purge afterwards.  Today was harder though.  I was tempted to skip lunch, and although I did eat, I didn't eat as much as I normally do.  At play practice after work, I was eating a meal from Subway.  I sat on one side of the stage, and everyone else sat on the other side.  The separation made me feel like I was too fat to associate with any of the other actors there.  I felt like because I was the only one of them who was eating, my peers were disgusted to by me. 

I'm kind of proud of the level of self-respect and improved body image that I've gained.  But there's still that damn voice in the back of my head, you know? It's my eating disorder telling me what a pathetic mess I am, and telling me how much better I could be if I didn't eat.  I don't want to lose myself to anorexia or bulimia again, because I've learned a lot from the progress I've made towards recovery so far.  I know that I can be happy if I let myself go and allow myself be happy.  I've gotten so close I can almost touch it.  I just have to make the switch from "I have an eating disorder," and "I'm recovering from an eating disorder" to "I used to have an eating disorder."  It's not an easy change to make.  I've had my eating disorder for 11 years - since I was 5 years old.  It's like an old friend, and I struggle every day to make myself see that there is a better life waiting for me if I let myself have it. 

I've got to stay strong.  I have to, or I will die. 

For those of you reading this who also suffer from eating disorders, you need to know this too:
You have to stay strong.  You have to, or you will die.