Showing posts with label fashion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fashion. Show all posts
27.2.12
7.2.12
Hello dear readers...
... that is, if I even have any readers. I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on. I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school. I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band. Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot. It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want. I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr.
The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped! So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question. I need a creative outlet, I guess. I've been dealing with a lot of stress. I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that. I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of. When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects. I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.
So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write. That is, after all, what I came for.
I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October. It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened. I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility. As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges. She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back. It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally. She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better. Maybe she needs help making boundaries.
I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic. I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions. I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so. I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it.
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak. She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that. I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently.
I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime. Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious. Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported.
There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of. It's a one-act play called "Asylum." It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum. My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died. There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident. It's a really amazing show.
When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to. We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it. Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show. Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun, I'll be glad when its over. It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this.
I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater. I want to be a fashion designer and an actress. Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)
But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc.
I haven't been well, either. I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac. I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping. If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time.
I'm nervous. I just want to feel better, you know? I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide. I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years. I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom. Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that. I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are.
Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later.
Peace
The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped! So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question. I need a creative outlet, I guess. I've been dealing with a lot of stress. I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that. I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of. When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects. I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.
So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write. That is, after all, what I came for.
I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October. It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened. I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility. As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges. She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back. It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally. She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better. Maybe she needs help making boundaries.
I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic. I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions. I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so. I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it.
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak. She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that. I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently.
I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime. Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious. Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported.
There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of. It's a one-act play called "Asylum." It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum. My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died. There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident. It's a really amazing show.
When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to. We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it. Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show. Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun, I'll be glad when its over. It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this.
I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater. I want to be a fashion designer and an actress. Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)
But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc.
I haven't been well, either. I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac. I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping. If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time.
I'm nervous. I just want to feel better, you know? I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide. I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years. I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom. Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that. I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are.
Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later.
Peace
29.11.11
Holiday Woes
Thanksgiving was wrought with anxiety. I ate mashed potatoes with butter, half a plate full of stuffing, cranberry sauce, applesauce, and two slices of pumpkin pie. I did get to go for a short walk afterwards, and I climbed trees with my cousins, but I still felt guilty. I was wearing my prized Calvin Klein skinny jeans and I was bloated and hanging over the waist-band. I don't know if it was just body dysmorphia or if it was real, but I could feel rolls of fat around my middle. I felt disgusting. I tried to have a good time anyways. It was pretty hard.
Since then, I've tried to ignore the fact of what I ate on Thanksgiving and move on with more important things in my life. I really do want recovery. Yesterday went really well. I ate all my meals without restricting or purging, I didn't over exercise, and I felt relatively ok with myself. Today is a different story altogether.
Today I feel like my stomach is huge and the tops of my arms are flabby. The last time checked I weighed 131 pounds. I should be proud of this, and be happy with my healthy body. But I miss the days when I was 99 pounds. That's bad.
I am really struggling. I have a war going on in my head between my superego and id. I want to skip lunch and workout after school, but I need to eat, accept myself, and study and go to Art Club after school.
I have some cuts on my leg that I have to let heal before I can wear short skirts again, but what bums me out even more is that I don't know if I have the courage to wear short skirts because I'm not confident about my legs.
I need to reach out to my friends and family for help and support but I am really insecure about asking for help. I see myself as a greedy person. I want more love than I deserve, and I crave security. Is that bad? I love helping others, but I dont' think I'm good enough to be given help or love.
Now I'm just ranting.....
And so , dear readers, I need your support. Send prayers, send me good vibes, whatever it is you do. And above all, treat yourselves well today. Be gentle and forgiving to yourself. Eat, drink, and be merry, as they say. 'Tis the season and all that...
If you're struggling too, post a comment and I'll email you. I would love someone to talk to.
If you have any advice, please share! How do you deal with feelings of self hatred, and the temptations to restrict, purge, or hurt yourself during recovery?
19.5.11
I need to blog more...
Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers. And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn. Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately. Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems. I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time.
Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in. Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. It's really irritating! Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp. I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech. It drives me nuts!
My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away. This is more difficult than I thought. I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it. I did it for several years before!!! But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired. So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander.
My depression is also eating me up. There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes. I really have to get my grades up! I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood. I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it. And i need to work harder!!! Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off. Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation. I'll do all my homework on time.
I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums. I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings. The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite. Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking! We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yum! If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind. It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were. I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta. Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it!
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)
Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request.
I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images. This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit.
I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx
My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away. This is more difficult than I thought. I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it. I did it for several years before!!! But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired. So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander.
My depression is also eating me up. There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes. I really have to get my grades up! I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood. I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it. And i need to work harder!!! Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off. Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation. I'll do all my homework on time.
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)
Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request.
I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images. This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit.
I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx
8.4.11
I Love Minneapolis!
Hello fellow bloggers!
Yesterday was SO MUCH FUN! My school's art club went on a trip to several museums and the art college in Minneapolis. I have toured the Minneapolis College of Art and Design a bazillion times before (and by a bazillion, I mean 5 times...) It was still fun, though. I got to see my friends Leann, Swindle, Tami, Clint, and my sister. Yay!! :) I miss my sister. It's really lonely being alone with my parents at home... Well now I'm getting off topic.
So, on the drive up I sat next to my biology teacher. She was chaperoning the trip along with the art teacher. The biology teacher is really cool. Our group had so much fun talking and making up inside jokes and making memories. I would share them all with you, but inside jokes are no fun if you don't know what they mean...
Coming back from the city is always really depressing, because I realize Oh... In real life I live in a small town where art is irrelevant except to the few who love it.. :(
Last year, after returning from the Chicago trip, I attempted running away. It was an embarrassingly pathetic attempt. I'm not going to talk about that...
I'm in class right now so I should go. I will write more later.
Ciao!
xxxxx
Yesterday was SO MUCH FUN! My school's art club went on a trip to several museums and the art college in Minneapolis. I have toured the Minneapolis College of Art and Design a bazillion times before (and by a bazillion, I mean 5 times...) It was still fun, though. I got to see my friends Leann, Swindle, Tami, Clint, and my sister. Yay!! :) I miss my sister. It's really lonely being alone with my parents at home... Well now I'm getting off topic.
So, on the drive up I sat next to my biology teacher. She was chaperoning the trip along with the art teacher. The biology teacher is really cool. Our group had so much fun talking and making up inside jokes and making memories. I would share them all with you, but inside jokes are no fun if you don't know what they mean...
Coming back from the city is always really depressing, because I realize Oh... In real life I live in a small town where art is irrelevant except to the few who love it.. :(
Last year, after returning from the Chicago trip, I attempted running away. It was an embarrassingly pathetic attempt. I'm not going to talk about that...
I'm in class right now so I should go. I will write more later.
Ciao!
xxxxx
26.3.11
The Dreaded First Post
Good morning, fellow bloggers :)
I hate first blogs. They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in readers. I don't have any ideas like that. I just plan to write about my quirky life. I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog.
Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?
I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years. I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights. I am a lesbian. I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer. I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time. I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer. I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.
Hmmm, what else to write...
Well today I worked most of the day. I work at a restaurant in a small town. I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me. Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade. Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded. The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin. I can't wait to move to a big city. I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.
I really love fashion. I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world. I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses! And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing. Using fur is just not ok. Fur is dead. But I'll write more about that in a later post.
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light. If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm. I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help. I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people. But I might be able to give a little support.
Well, that's all for today, folks. I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that. I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo
I hate first blogs. They should give a feel for what the rest of the blog will be like, and hopefully draw in readers. I don't have any ideas like that. I just plan to write about my quirky life. I'm very unpredictable, so you could find any number of topics on my blog.
Perhaps I shall tell you a bit about myself?
I am a vegetarian, and have been for six years. I am an active member of the Peta2 street team and love doing everything I can to promote animal rights. I am a lesbian. I really like stawberries, birthdays, getting snail-mail, chocolate, coffee, tea, crocheting, wool socks, and summer. I hope to be a fashion designer when I get out of college, and be a photographer in my free time. I am a thespian - I LOVE the stage! I'm a shower singer. I fetish for men's button-up shirts, and I love big cities. I play clarinet, bari saxaphone, I do choreographed and ballroom dancing, and I play a little guitar. I have recently fallen victim to my orthodontist - yes, I have braces even though it feels like it's ridiculously late in life to be doing this.
Hmmm, what else to write...
Well today I worked most of the day. I work at a restaurant in a small town. I can't stand my home town! Its too small for me. Everyone knows everyone - there's no making new friends here because you've already met everyone by the time you've passed the first grade. Another of the many disadvantages of small towns: the people are close-minded. The arts are not widely accepted, people are still racist / sexist, and being gay is a cardinal sin. I can't wait to move to a big city. I will be the kind of girl with a lot of piercings and tattoos who wears amazing clothes and listens to indie music :) That's the life for me.
I really love fashion. I love designing it, I love wearing it, I love learning about it, and I plan to use my knowledge and, uh, "passion for fashion" to change the fashion world. I am kind of an earth-freak so I want to show off ways to use sustainable fabrics to make chic clothes - not just potato sack dresses! And I think its about time someone put their foot down about this whole fur thing. Using fur is just not ok. Fur is dead. But I'll write more about that in a later post.
I have suffered from an eating disorder (mainly anorexia / bulimia) for several years, and I'm starting to see the light. If any of you readers out there (God, I hope I have readers!) need help, I would love to talk to you about eating issues or depression or self-harm. I've dealt with all of those things, and I want to help. I'm not saying I am a professional and I can't take on a hoard of starving, depressed people. But I might be able to give a little support.
Well, that's all for today, folks. I will do my best to write at least weekly, if not more frequently than that. I know I'll be writing tomorrow.
xoxo
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