I am the kind of girl who always tries her hardest to put on a happy face, and takes off this mask only when she is sincerely unable to smile. For people who know me, you may think that this isn't entirely true - or on the contrary you may think that I really am happy all the time. It depends on how well you know me and how much of my personal struggles I am willing to share with you. Either way, I feel that most people don't have a clear perception of who I am and what I feel.
Tonight is one of those times when I physically cannot smile. Too often I say, "I'm okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it!" and don't let anyone know that I'm actually hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused. I tend to let people walk all over me. Sometimes this is a good thing, but sometimes its too much. I need to write about this. I need to get it off my chest and hopefully feel better as a result. I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, place blame, or make anyone feel bad. If I do, I am very sorry and I really don't mean to do so.
Ever since my first spring play, I have looked forward to being recognized as a senior in my final spring play. The director gives each senior a card and flowers.This year was my turn for that, but I missed the boat... I went back and forth debating whether I wanted to be in the play. I didn't try out, but got a part. I only wanted a small part, but felt that I wasn't living up to my potential and that I would disappoint someone if I didn't take on a larger role. So I switched from a one-liner to a more substantial supporting role of a character named Clougheïe. I wasn't enjoying myself at practices at all. I was depressed, self-concious, and felt like an outsider with the rest of the cast. My depression got the best of me and I quit the play.
Weeks later I felt bad that I wasn't a part of it anymore and went to one of the final rehearsals, hoping to put my time and talents into a backstage job. I was assigned to helping out with makeup. The first night of the job, several girls in the cast made it very clear to me that I was not wanted there. They didn't think it was fair for me to quit and then come back and expect to be able to participate. I don't blame them...
I made sure one of the guys who was helpless with makeup got ready, and then moved on to lights. The other kid on lights treated me like I was an idiot and when no one else was around he told me he felt good about his job with lights and curtain, but he was really worried that I was going to screw up the whole show. That didn't make me feel very good. I am just as capable of running sound and lights as he is.
At the end of the show, the I went up onstage at the end of the curtain call with the other guy on lights & curtain. There were three seniors on the stage. Two of them were recognized, given their hug, card, and flowers. I was not.
I do not, in any way blame the director for forgetting about me. It's my own damn fault because I quit. I should have toughed my way through it even though it was hard. I am really disappointed in myself for giving up my role. It was a stupid move. Yes, I remember exactly what my sadness and discomfort felt like when I was in the play, and it was awful. I've felt like that in other plays as well, but I stuck with it in the past. I'm furious with myself for not doing so in this case.
I ruined this evening for myself, and I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow.
Showing posts with label theater. Show all posts
Showing posts with label theater. Show all posts
7.2.12
Hello dear readers...
... that is, if I even have any readers. I know that somewhere, someone must be reading this because it says so in my stats. There has been a lot going on. I've been a very busy girl and I'm getting busier every minute! For starters, I'm in the third week of a new semester at school. I'm taking classes in anthropology, fine art, civics, A.P. literature and composition, choir, and concert band. Two of my classes are online and I like that a lot. It's easy to get ahead in an online class since you can log on and work whenever you want. I like to get ahead so that I can spend the time I have in the library for online classes studying, doing homework, reading, doing research, and of course satisfying my addiction to Tumblr.
The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped! So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question. I need a creative outlet, I guess. I've been dealing with a lot of stress. I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that. I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of. When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects. I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.
So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write. That is, after all, what I came for.
I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October. It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened. I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility. As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges. She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back. It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally. She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better. Maybe she needs help making boundaries.
I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic. I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions. I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so. I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it.
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak. She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that. I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently.
I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime. Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious. Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported.
There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of. It's a one-act play called "Asylum." It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum. My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died. There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident. It's a really amazing show.
When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to. We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it. Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show. Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun, I'll be glad when its over. It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this.
I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater. I want to be a fashion designer and an actress. Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)
But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc.
I haven't been well, either. I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac. I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping. If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time.
I'm nervous. I just want to feel better, you know? I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide. I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years. I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom. Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that. I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are.
Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later.
Peace
The first few weeks of my classes haven't been terribly heavy in homework but today it seems like I'm swamped! So, why am I blogging instead of hitting the books? That, my friends, is a very good question. I need a creative outlet, I guess. I've been dealing with a lot of stress. I know, I know. Procrastination isn't going to help with that. I do have good reason for spending so much time online though! Well, sort of. When I'm online blogging and browsing Tumblr, I get all kinds of cool ideas for projects. I also go online to look for apartments, apply for college, apply for scholarships, email my friends for moral support; blogging is a way for me to get all those racing thoughts and ideas out of my head.
So now I'll stop making excuses for why I'm not doing my homework and just write. That is, after all, what I came for.
I recently found out that a friend of mine was raped in October. It's a tricky situation because she was passed out drunk when it happened. I believe her, but if she wants to press charges she may have a hard time proving her credibility. As of yet, she is in limbo about pressing charges. She has friends in common with her attacker and doesn't want them to be angry at her or judge her. She already has people calling her a slut behind her back. It doesn't do her any good that she flirts like one, but I don't think she does it intentionally. She's just a very friendly girl and she doesn't know any better. Maybe she needs help making boundaries.
I'm worried about approaching her about the subject of her rape, because its a very sensitive topic. I want her to be able to come to me to talk about it if she needs to, but I also have questions. I want her to press charges, but I can't push her to do so. I want to ask questions about how it happened, how she knows she was raped, but I don't want to upset her if she's trying to keep her mind off of it.
My friends seems very calm and "over it" so to speak. She's told me that she was upset immediately afterwards and for several weeks after that. I suppose she's had more time to process the situation and cool off than I have, since I just found out about the whole thing recently.
I think it's really important to press charges for rape to keep the perpetrator from repeating his or her crime. Even if they get off with little or no consequences, spending some uncomfortable time in court or facing the victim's friends or family would warn them that they shouldn't risk hurting someone else and that what they did is very serious. Rape is very common, and unfortunately very rarely reported.
There is also a rape victim in the play I'm currently a part of. It's a one-act play called "Asylum." It's a series of monologues given by each of the characters telling their stories about how they came to be in the asylum. My character is an agoraphobic woman who would not leave her apartment or make any phone calls - even when her roommate died. There is also a girl who was kidnapped, a boy who cuts himself, a woman who believes she is in her 11th month of pregnancy caused by dirty M&M's, a man who is obsessed with desserts and hears voices, and a teen who killed three of her friends in a car accident. It's a really amazing show.
When we first started, everyone clicked perfectly with the character they were assigned to. We all love the play and have put tons of time and hard work into it. Unfortunately our performance peaked at a rehearsal rather than at a show. Our last show is this weekend, and even though it's been fun, I'll be glad when its over. It's very emotionally exhausting to do a show like this.
I'm excited to finally go to college and study theater. I want to be a fashion designer and an actress. Here is my ideal future life: Go to community college for two years to finish my generals; go to the state university and double major in fashion design and theater; graduate; start acting shows at the Guthrie theater and other prestigious theaters; meet a beautiful woman, marry her, and open up a little boutique in the city to sell my fashion designs; continue acting, singing, dancing; adopt two or three children with my wife, and a dog; name the dog Sweet Dreams; live happily ever after... :)
But first of all I have to recover, go to college, find an apartment and a job... etc.
I haven't been well, either. I've been struggling with my depression more than ever and my therapist put me on Prozac. I'm now taking Cymbalta and Prozac. I've taken Prozac before, but it kept me from sleeping. If I have insomnia issues again, I'll be allowed to take tTazedone for sleeping this time.
I'm nervous. I just want to feel better, you know? I'm sick of the monotonous cycle of depression, self-hatred, anorexia, bulimia, self-injury, and thoughts of suicide. I know that things will be exponentially better after I graduate just because I'll be getting away from my classmates who have outcast me, bullied me, and taunted me for thirteen years. I wonder how they'll react when I bring a girl dressed in a tux to prom. Probably call us faggots or dykes, ask to have us removed, stuff like that. I'm hopeful, though, that they'll be mature and just leave us alone no matter what their values are.
Well, that's all for now folks... I will write more later.
Peace
19.5.11
I need to blog more...
Clearly, I don't blog enough, because I have hardly any followers. And that's the whole reason I started blogging: So someone will maybe listen to what I have to say and give a damn. Okay, so I know that making cyber friends isn't the best way to go, but I have a serious lack of real-people friends lately. Maybe that's not entirely true, but I'm really lonely, and I don't want to oppress my friends with my problems. I'm a pain in the ass because I'm depressed all the time.
Yesterday I got new colors on my braces, and an expander put in. Now I talk like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. It's really irritating! Plus I'm in a play this weekend and I'm supposed to pull off a British accent with this lame lisp. I sound like an idiot. I've been told I don't sound that bad, or that different, but I can tell that the expander impedes my speech. It drives me nuts!
My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away. This is more difficult than I thought. I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it. I did it for several years before!!! But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired. So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander.
My depression is also eating me up. There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes. I really have to get my grades up! I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood. I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it. And i need to work harder!!! Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off. Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation. I'll do all my homework on time.
I recently got back from a school-trip to Chicago to visit several art institutes, galleries, and museums. I saw several original Davinci prints, Degas sculptures and paintings, Georgia O'Keefe paintings, end Monet paintings. The Monet bridge from 1900 was my favorite. Monet fascinates me and his bridges that he painted from his Japanese garden are absolutely breath-taking! We did some shopping while we were there, and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yum! If you're planning on going there anytime soon, drink a Groupie Grind. It's the most delicious fruit smoothie / pina colada / strawberry / lime thingy you will ever taste! YUM! Nearly the whole group ordered them, and we were all in disbelief at how delicious they were. I also ate a huge veggie burger, and stole some of our chaperon, Stacie's bruschetta. Everything at Hard Rock is really expensive, but SO worth it!
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)
Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request.
I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images. This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit.
I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx
My eating disorder has been a little out of control lately. Since I got the expander in, I've found it very difficult to chew and swallow, so I decided I simply would eat as little as possible until the expander went away. This is more difficult than I thought. I should be fine starving, right? I'm used to it. I did it for several years before!!! But I'm underweight as it is, and I'm very tired. So I'll have to eat a little and just get used to the damn expander.
My depression is also eating me up. There are only a few weeks left until summer vacation starts, but I'm struggling with most of my classes. I really have to get my grades up! I just feel incapable of doing quality work while I'm in this mood. I'm exhausted, lonely, depressed... My therapist is booked until mid-June, so I just have to grin and bear it. And i need to work harder!!! Just because school won't last much longer doesn't mean I get to slack off. Next year, I swear I won't get myself into this situation. I'll do all my homework on time.
So, that's my daily life... It's really not that exciting (except for the Chicago trip!)
Readers should ask me questions or request blog topics on my FormSpring account, or comment on my blogs with your request.
I also plan to start using some of my own photography, rather than using stuff from google images. This will hopefully spice my blog up a bit.
I will write again soon (that very well may be an empty promise).
xxxx
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