Random Fury

Last night when the women at Soul Collage were talking about Generose I became progressively angrier and angrier... I was so mad that I almost got up and walked out.  They kept talking about how nice it is, and I thought, THAT'S BULLSHIT. Most of the nurses treat patients like crap, they don't take care of our personal belongings that we have to surrender upon arrival, and the kids who go in come out worse than they were to begin with.  I've discussed this with many Generose veterans.  We all agree that it's a terrible place and worsens our problems, but we suppress our depression / anger / target behaviors because we will do anything to stay out of there.  Generose really isn't a place to get help or get well; it's just a place to put mentally ill kids away until their parents find a way to deal with them. 

The Soul Collage women changed the subject right when I was thinking I couldn't stand listening to it anymore.  I was SO glad when they stopped talking about it.  I haven't been so mad just from listening to someone talk about a trigger from my past in a long time.  I was FURIOUS.  I wanted to say something, give my two cents, but one of the women is a nurse there.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings or be rude.  She actually seems very nice, but she works with children, not adolescents.  I only remember two kind nurses on the adolescent ward, and there were many, many nurses. 

499 Tweets

Here is a somewhat abridged compilation of all my tweets since I first got my account on March 12, 2010.

I am mostly recovered and feel amazing.  I am shut up in my bedroom with my books and laptop and won’t be leaving till this history day rubbish is DONE.  Can’t wait for summer!  Warm, sun, freedom, music, fashion, and all mine in just a few months.  Why?  I am so jealous of all those blood-donators today.  I wanted to, but am too young.  The second I turn sixteen I’m going out to give blood!  I’m really excited to be all artistic and posh on the field trip tomorrow!  I am worried about Jessa.  Sway with me….when you dance you have a way with me, sway with me!  Good lord, what a weekend… Ran the Fool’s Five today… I’m exhausted!  What a day….cried and cried and cried in band class because I was so scared she was leaving.  LLAMA!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so special…Miss J trusted me with the keys :D Oh dear… What’s the world coming to?  Fuck it.  I have so much homework, but really all I want to do is finish my sketches for college critiquing so I can become a great fashion designer.  Changing schools….AUGH!  I’m happy in Illinois in a cute ruffly little skirt! J * **** ** ***** ** ***!!!!!!!!!!  Tomorrow’s my last day in Illinois… SAD!!! I’m going to miss everyone!!! But I’m excited to go back to my “homeland.”  My life has been made.  My Halloween shall be quite a dud this year.  Why didn’t I think to take it off work?! Just think of all the candy I’m missing out on!  I’m having a meltdown.  Yay! Time for emergency chocolate.  I just had a game night with grandma.  Very exciting.  I won at scrabble.  I went to Barnes & Noble today. :D I am going to chop off all my hair and donate it.  The only question is … When to do it?  Grawr, damn time difference!  I’m moving to Australia, I swear!  Today is the day I cut off all my hair and donate it.  I’m going for a pixie cut like P!nk’s.  I’m excited! Scholarships, scholarships, scholarships… Higher education, here I come.  Oofta.  Look out fashion world, here I come!!! (I’m feeling very inspired this morning) According to my great aunt, I am Danish royalty, descended from a Danish King’s bastard son and some prostitute he brought to America.  Snow day! Yay! It makes love that much more magical.  I’m exhausted…no joke, I’m gonna drop dead at any second.  Goodnight everyone, sweet drea…zzzzzz  Thank God for music.  Facebook is a cigarette, and Twitter is a nicotine patch.  Either way, I seem to be stuck.  He loves me, but I don’t’ know how to return his affection.  I’m scared that he’ll discover who I am and hate me.  I am a complicated girl.  Got roses from my sort-of-boyfriend.  It’s SO hard but I’m just not able to expend energy necessary for a relationship right now. I’m sorry!  Good morning!  Getting my teeth cleaned today… nothing else terribly exciting happening.  Ouch, ow, hey… that was my heart L I am out of the closet, dears.  Free at last! I’m so tired that nothing makes sense anymore, and everything is random penguin know what I mean? I am sick. Awjoeweirunbdfghruivhnsd. I’m going shopping today! YAY thrift stores! :D Divorce, huh? Why does everything have to be so fucked up! Well, if you get together with HIM now, I’m going to hate him forever.  I HATE THIS! It’s so hard to be happy when those you love are falling apart.  L I wish I could help, Stacie! PARTYPARTYPARTY! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU WHY DID YOU DO IT! Ask me anything. Nobody told me the lemon juice was concentrated :X Having my gf over for dinner to make prom negotiations with my parents. SO NERVOUS! Wish us luck… Guess who doesn’t want to go to work? THIS GIRL! Listening to P!nk music and thinking about Keira with a smile on my face.  Go for a run? Nah. Cardio? Pshhh… Dance party??? HELL YEAH! I’m eating smarties coz I’m a smart ass.  Broken heart, yet again.  I’m on an animal rights spree and loving it!  Join peta2, pretty please.  We can save animals lives and love so many hurt and lonely animals.  I have a new phone with which I can tweet regularly! WOO! To those who insult depression, I hope you suffer from it when you come back for your slower death.  It’s hell. Coffee with my favorite author today!! :D I love theater – it’s such a good time J The day after my birthday is always so lack-luster and depressing.  I think Barak Obama is really great J Armed with my bored supermodel bitch facial expression, I take on the day.  I ate a can of frosting in honor of P!nk’s birthday.  I am suddenly very depressed, and tomorrow is Monday.  This is not good.  I dislike being referred to as a minority. >L I am irrationally happy today… Dreading school…fighting for gay rights and safety in my school makes me feel like I’m butting my head against a wall.  Woooot! Headed to church soon! Midnight on New Year’s: I turned off my phone, rolled over, and cried myself to sleep.  Another year I have to fight thru for some semblance of happiness.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere I’m so socially awkward. L I am addicted to tumblrrrr! Thank God for Lady Gaga! On my way to church, where I’m learning to love myself.  Checking my phone, just waitin fer some love… If you’re gonna f*king rape my best friend, you’re gonna hear from me.  The bus driver is scaring me! He really doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.  He doesn’t seem fit to drive school children around.  Kayla told me I looked beautiful and it made my day J I’m furious with myself.  I have a cold L *sniffle sniffle cough.  I have nothing to be happy about unless a sparkly rainbow unicorn flies me away to Harry Potter Land – the real one, not the one in Florida!  Another Tuesday… :P I need a snuggle hug from Emily.  So much homework L I really love gay kisses but I wish it were me getting them, not the boys in the front seat.  Nah, it’s cool, guys.  It’s not like I need friends or anything.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about bleu cheese dressing.  I hate it when my closest friends repeatedly exclude me.  I hate it when guys grab my ass.  For fuck’s sake I’m GAY! I wish it was appropriate to ask someone – Do you even care how much you’re hurting me?  The thought of going to school makes me sick to my stomach.  I just want to learn, I didn’t ask for all this other shit from my peers.  L  Tee hee, she said I’m hot.. I woke up with a smile on my face, so I must have been dreaming of you. I just might cry or have an anxiety attack when they make me go home L So worn out from being sad.  I need to sleep for days, and I need a snuggle.  I’m all cried out.  Please – wrap your arms around me tight, hold on to me while I cry, tell me it’ll be ok and never lie to me or leave me alone.  Yay! I found someone who appreciates my spontaneous outbursts of song!!! It really fuckin upsets me that my gf smokes, my friends drink and are on weed, and yet they have the nerve to tell me to eat more and not to cut myself.  WTF?! I am going to generose to get help.  I love you all and will call/write when I get a chance.  I am safe, so don’t worry.  Hugs and kisses.  Drew Barrymore = I WANT! High school politics are bullshit.  “Look at the stars instead of the dark. You’ll find your heart is shining like the sun.” It’s not summer, nor is it 2001. If you’re going to wear such a tight shirt, PLEASE put your midriff away! Sometimes I’m too damn eloquent for my own good and I end up making up words and no one has a clue what I’m trying to say.  I really wish I knew what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.  Wtf is Yolo? I’m secretly listening to Pandora in class and fighting the urge to sing along to Adele.  All I want is someone to talk to but I feel like there’s nowhere to turn.  “You don’t have enough toes!!!” Lindsey W., Bahahahahaha… That awkward moment when you’re biting your nails without realizing that it looks like you’ve been sucking your thumb for the past 5 minutes.  Yay for beautiful weather and Lady Gaga music!! I’m driving behind a truck full of innocent, darling pigs who are off to the slaughter house.  My heart is breaking!!!!!  I hung a picture of the fabulous Lady Gaga at eye level in the middle of my wall so I can see her often and be inspired!@  I wish it were socially acceptable to sing “Time warp” at the top of my lungs while using a public restroom.  Energy drinks are just shenanigans in a can. o.O Please don’t use racial slurs.  They make me sad.  I looooove this weather!  I just want some quality sleep… come on. Please? I don’t believe in Facebook relationship statuses.  It just gives people license to ask ridiculous personal questions.  I just know that despite all my studying, I’m not going to know any of these vocab words when the quiz rolls around in a few hours.  I want to tell the world how wonderful and beautiful you are.  I can’t believe I almost lost you, and I’m never going to fuck up like that again! “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” Aristotle knows his shit. J I guess sleep will have to remedy my sorrow tonight, since no one will text me back.  Sometimes I think my life should be a music video… That heartbreaking moment when you realize the friendship is over.  If she won’t keep in touch with me then I’m not gonna follow her on twitter! My sunburn itches L My mom is a head case.  My therapist quit her job.  Life sucks and then you die.  And somewhere in the middle, people are mean, your therapist quits, and you have to suffer through high school.  Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin’ Hallelujah, ain’t it fine? Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin down freedom’s main line! Listening to kids in my grade talk about the stupid senior trip., *rolls eyes* Going to Minneapolis for a day of art and amazing food!!! I always do the breaking so I’m not used to being broken.  I will stay up as late as I want thank-you-very-much! I am a big girl and I can make my own mistakes if I want to.  All I feel like posting are snippets of the lyrics to sad songs but that’s ridiculous so I won’t.  Having a difficult time, are you? Well you’re not the only one, so don’t let it go to your head.  I need to stop telling people that sometimes I hurt myself, because I am discovering that no one actually cares and no one will try to help.  It makes me sad that I have to pay for someone (therapist) to listen to me & care about me. And do they truly care about me? Probably not.  I am so ready for these last three days of school to be over.  My feelings have officially been hurt. Yeah, there will be other opportunities for this, but it just won't be the same. :(  I got my sunglasses on and tears rolling down my face.  Snapple tea makes me feel fancy!  Graduation is on Sunday.  I can’t wait to get it over with!!!!  Last day of school.  Whoop!  I want breakfast in bed.  Prayers for my cousin. He’s in the ER this morning.  Eating disorders are lame.  I don’t recommend them.  Talk to me. Sometimes I want to scream it at you. Just TALK TO ME. Tell me why you have a problem with me. Talk to me about anything. !!!!!!  I've been here for an hour and I'm still trying to decide if you're the type who'd tell me you're gonna be here just to make me feel bad.  Sometimes, when it’s late at night and I’m depressed, I initiate conversations that I end up regretting.  Fantasy: holding hands with you and kissing you while we lay on the grass under the fireworks.  Sitting alone next to strangers, listening to depressing music, and quietly crying because my best friend is moving away across the country.  I’m pretty excited for Bob Dylan to be in Rochester!!! Hope I can afford tickets.  Things to do: cry, shower, cry, sleep, unpack, eat.  When I’m home alone at my grandma’s, singing and cooking, I wish so much that I could afford my own place.  I’m tired.  I need a new job.  In other news, I’m getting my nose pierced next week!  I seriously want to strangle my psychiatrist.  These side effects are torture!  I am out of my mind…I came to the mall at 5:30am to get in line for the grand opening of Forever XXI. 

Dr. Oz 08/07/2012 "Feederism"

Written Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I. HATE. Doctor Oz.  Every time I see his show it terrorizes me.  His focus is on different ways to lose weight.  It's so triggering! I want to take notes, try out his methods.  I am so tempted to fall back into my disordered eating habits and start losing weight again.  I hate Doctor Oz and I need to stop watching it.

Today's show is truly horrifying to me. The guests on the show are "feederists," women who want more than anything to be fat.  They want to be the fattest women in the world.  They get off on it, they think their enormous bodies are beautiful. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be judgemental or critical of them. Kudos to them for their self-confidence. The thing is, they don't think their bodies or eating habits are unhealthy.

That's their choice, that is what this episode of Dr. Oz is focusing on; however, from an eating disordered point of view these women are monsters.  They are my worst nightmare.  Seeing them and their pride for being large turns me off to food and eating. I feel threatened.  I feel enormous.  I want to starve.

I don't want to come off as being bitchy.  Recognizing that these women are my worst fears personified makes me feel so mean.  I am scared and confused by these women.

I want to over compensate for the extra weight I carry.  I am 5'7" and weight 127 pounds.  I have gained four pounds in the past month.  I am admittedly the exact weight I should be, maybe even a little under.  A counselor at church camp last week even told me she though I look like I am under 120 pounds (I wish!). I just don't always see that I am a good size.  I am scared of my body.  Sometimes I don't know how to feed myself.

How do y'all eat like it's no big deal?  Aren't you terrified?  I am hyper aware of what I eat and what the consequences of my eating may be.  I am terrified of gaining weight.

This is all I can say on this topic for now, or I will end up talking in circles. 

Salutations, blogging world...

I deleted my tumblr a few days ago.  I was posting nothing but thinspiration on it, and I know how toxic that can be for people with eating disorders and issues with body image.  I feel the need to start fresh.  I wish I had a new blog engine.  I wish I knew how to set up my own website.  I'll most likely just stay here though, since I've already got this blog set up, and I enjoy writing. Why change, right?

I suppose this is a reflection upon my frustration with life in general, lately.  I'm in a new city trying to change my lifestyle for the better, but I am still depressed.  One thing I am grateful for is the fact that I have a blank slate... Very few people here know who I am.  I can make new friends, if I like, but I really don't intend to put down any lasting roots here, except my deep roots in the church.  I'll only be in this city for two years, so I see it as more of a stepping stone.  I don't want to settle here.  It is just the next phase in the process of further education. 

The future is terrifying.  I am constantly trying to better myself in order to improve my future, soften it a little. 

I'm still scared. 
                I'm still depressed. 
                                        I am still unsure. 
                                                             I need help. 
                                                                           I need to get my shit together. 

that's me writing

Hanging out downtown...

I am sitting on a bench in the shade in the Peace Plaza.  I like the idea of a place called the “Peace Plaza.”  There are fancy shops, art galleries, restaurants, and a Barnes & Noble around it, and a fountain in the middle.  I recently discovered that the plaza has free wi-fi, so I came here today because needed a change of scenery.  The sun is out, so I’m sure my shade will recede within the hour.  There are a few people around enjoying expensive brunches as well as sitting and simply enjoying the plaza.  I should come here more often.  If it gets too hot out here, I can always go into the Barnes & Noble.  I’m getting some strange looks… does no one ever use the wi-fi here? 

I have not yet gotten bored with my new city, but I have been feeling depressed and uninspired.  I wish I were able to work more because I could really use the money.  Not only for college, but also so I could do more to entertain myself. 

I wish I had dressed up a bit more.  I feel like such a loser sitting here with my laptop when I’m not even dressed like a hip blogger.  I want to meet up with someone today.  My best friend is in Michigan, and a lot of other people I want to see haven’t gotten back to me in a few days.  :P  The urban life can be a lonely one…

Tomorrow is the street market, therapy, and gay youth group.  Today is boring and hot, so far.  I need to find an adventure for myself!  Later this afternoon I’ll go home and change into something more stylish and then come back to the plaza, perhaps. 

I want to get some taize music at the library, if they have any.  That would be marvelous.  I got some yoga dvd’s yesterday, and discovered that I suck at yoga.  My coure sin’t very strong, and my balance is terrible.  I’m not going to quit though.  I really want to get good at it because I think it will help me get ready for my ballet class in the fall.

Next week I have to go camping with my parents and my oldest sister.  I swore I wasn’t going to go camping with my parents this summer, but my sister is going and I really want to see my sister.  Ugh.  I feel like I’ve been bribed.

Well dearies, I’m off in search of the perfect summer adventure.  Love love love!

Dessa

Did I tell y'all about the Dessa concert? I dont' believe I did... I don't know if there are any Minnesotans or Dessa fans out there, but if there are, this one is for you. 

Last Thursday I went to a free Dessa concert downtown.  I had a spot right next to the stage.  I could have reached out and touched Dessa if I wanted.  Aby Wolf was also performing.  I got pictures with both of them, and they both signed my t-shirt.  It was so cool! 

What are your favorite Dessa and Aby Wolf songs?  If you're not into that kind of music, who are your favorite musicians? I'd love to hear from y'all. 

Gay Pride Adventures!

Ladies and gentlemen, I went on an amazing adventure on Saturday!  This weekend was the gay pride festival in the twin cities. I had plans to go to the pride festival with my best friend, but her car broke down. I didn't have any other way to get to the cities so I was really upset, but after moping for half the day I realized I could take a bus! So, I grabbed my purse & rushed out to catch a shuttle to the Minneapolis airport. While I was waiting for my shuttle to arrive, I contemplated telling my parents where I was going (I didn't have permission to go or anything. I just decided to go. This is a big deal for me because I am compulsively obedient & I have never done anything rebellious in my life). I was very anxious & stressed out that my mother might be furious. I tried calling to tell them that I was going so they would know where I was should anything go wrong. Their line was busy though... I read the entire bus schedule twice to calm myself down and boarded the shuttle.

When I arrived at the airport my dear friend Andrea picked me up and took me to Loring Park where the festivities were taking place. I encountered several friends & acquaintances in the six hours I spent there, but for the most part I was on my own. I got rainbow temporary tattoos, rainbow bracelets, and all kinds of stickers & buttons. There were food stands all over the place peddling greasy fair food...regrettably I reveled in the fact that there was no one around to make me eat. And so I did not. There were so many beautiful gay people!! I felt right at home. There were, of course, the Vote No volunteers & the Human Rights Campaigners. There was a strip of tents for various O&A churches, where I got a rainbow peace sign necklace. There was an area full of dogs, dog treats, and rainbow dog collars. My favorite part was a tent in which a dog layingwas laying next to his owners with a sign that said "Free Puppy Kisses!" I got a free puppy kiss. :)

When the time came for me to go back to the airport & take the shuttle home, my friend Andrea walked me downtown. I took the 55 bus to the Franklin Ave lightrail station, which then took me to the airport. The airport is where things got interesting... I got there at 7:50, and my shuttle was scheduled to leave at 8:15. I ran all over the airport getting more & more lost. By 8:12 I was nearly in tears, but I figured out that I had to take a tram to the opposite end of the airport to get to where the shuttle was. Once I was in the shuttle I was soooo relieved. It would not be good to get stranded there since I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place!

I was so tired when I got back to Rochester. Maybe I'll even tell my parents about it ;)

Planning my Funeral

I just went on the bike ride from hell... I rode from my house on the south side of town 20 minutes to the north side of town with a back pack of at least 20 pounds. When I got there, my bike lock wouldn't close so I had to go all the way back home to ask my gramma to drive me to my destination. Did I mention it's 90 degrees out there?? I need a nap. I'm hungry again, too.  Fuck.

My friend and I are planning my funeral.  It's going to be a blast!  There will be tons of cool celebrities there, and a dance party afterwards.  It'll be more like a wedding reception than a post-funeral gathering.  The guest list includes Heidi Klum, P!nk, the Queen of England, Lady Gaga, Tim Gunn, Ellen and Portia Degeneres, Obama, Lily Allen, and Paul McCartney.  Oh, and my family.  At the after party there will be dancing and french fries, ranch dressing, chocolate cake, cheesecake, red wine, champagne, and beer.  I don't actually like beer but my friend and I agreed it would probably be a good thing to have for those who do like it.   There will be blue irises, calla lilies, unicorns, rainbows and glitter everywhere.  P1nk will sing "Beam Me Up," Lady Gaga will perform "Born This Way" (even though I'll be dead this way), and there will be a hug circle.  I love hug circles...

I wish I could be there.  I've always wanted to meet these people!  And I love me some red wine and cheesecake.

Nostalgia Bites

She was my best friend for seven years.  She controlled me, said awful things to me, beat me up occasionally, made me do thinks I hated myself for afterwards, told my other friends not to talk to me, and made me feel stupid and unworthy of anyone’s friendship.  And that was just elementary and high school!

When we got older you started hanging out with boys who called me fat when I was around.  You told me the homemade clothes I designed were ugly and made me look poor.  You never missed an opportunity to tell me I’m a whore.  You let your dog bite me without disciplining him and told me to suck it up and get used to it. 

When I stopped eating, you encouraged me.  You took me out for long bike rides and runs and yelled at me, “Keep up!  Do you want to lose weight or not?”  When I cut myself, you told me I was doing it wrong and showed me how to properly kill myself. 

Sometimes you were nice to me and I felt like our friendship was genuine.  In retrospect, however, it was never enough to make up for how poorly you treated me.  I haven’t spoken to you in two years nor have you spoken to me.

We just “drifted apart,” as you say, but I also know that you think homosexuality is sick and wrong.  “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you told me when I came out to you. 

When I look at you I realize I don’t even know you anymore.  I was always your loyal friend because you made me think no one else would ever be my friend.  You caused me so much anger and hurt.  So why the hell do I miss you so much sometimes?

I was really stupid to hang out with you for as long as I did.  What a waste of seven years.  Now you’re bleach-blonde, thinner than I am, you have a mustang and a steady boyfriend.  I’m not envious of you though.  I’m just pissed that my friend stopped using me as a muse for her artistic photography and switched to you.  In pictures of me I was art.  In pictures of you, your eyes are dead and you look like a posed doll.  Now I get to call you a whore, even though I’ll never say it out loud. 

Shower Prayers

Hello, hello everyone!  I'm back!  I am now writing from my new city.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up.  I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts.  I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it. 

Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience!  A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends.  I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings.  I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops.  I helped out with communion during sunday worship. 

During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown.  The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them.  My interview was at the end of the video.  I talked for the longest.  It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out.  After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey.  I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs.  It was a cool experience.  :)

I had a hard time eating at the conference.  Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder.  I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine.  I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference.  I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped.  She is my rock.  While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply.  They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need.  I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light).  I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me.  I was mortified and furious with myself.

I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them.  I was in a foul, self-hating mood.  I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends.  I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm.  I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode.  I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize.  I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder.  There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder.  I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work.  I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut.  I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark. 

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad.  I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely.  I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them.  I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters.  My faith means everything to me right now.  I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life. 

This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed.  I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends.  A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation.  It's a bit like baptism, I suppose.  It's purifying. 

I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences. 

I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great. 

Dear readers, I have a favor to ask.  A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality.  Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do.  He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him. 

Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx