Hello, hello everyone! I'm back! I am now writing from my new city. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have moved out of my hometown and my personal hell and am now living in a city 30 minutes from where I grew up. I will be living in my gramma's attic for the next couple years while I study for my associate's degree in liberal arts. I graduated on June 3rd, moved on the 6th, and I'm loving it.
Last weekend I went to the United Church of Christ annual meeting. It was a great experience! A lot of people from my church told me, It's all long meetings... you're going to get so bored...it's just church politics... On the contrary - I learned a lot and made some great friends. I will, however, admit that my ass did get quite sore sitting through those lengthy meetings. I got to learn more about the UCC, participate in a flash mob, and attend some great workshops. I helped out with communion during sunday worship.
During worship, a video of youth interviews was shown. The footage was taken at our last weekend camp and each of the youth had been asked to talk about their faith journey and what the church meant to them. My interview was at the end of the video. I talked for the longest. It was kind of embarassing to watch... I spoke about my eating disorder, my dying catholic faith, and how the United Church of Christ fostered new spiritual growth after my struggles with mental illness, and coming out. After the service, several people approached me to thank for openly sharing the story of my faith journey. I got a lot of hugs... and we all know, I love hugs. It was a cool experience. :)
I had a hard time eating at the conference. Since I moved out of my parents' house, I've been struggling more with my eating disorder. I have yet to get used to my new environment and routine. I ate only one meal over the entire weekend at the UCC conference. I talked to my youth pastor about it, and that helped. She is my rock. While we were in taize at the conference, I started to cry because the prayers we were singing touched me so deeply. They were prayers for help, prayers for comfort, and that is just what I need. I felt so connected to God and so in need of God's love in that moment... I had hoped that no one would see me cry, and I managed to be dry-eyed by the time taize was over and the lights came back on (we'd been meditating in candle light). I had been seen though, and I was faced with a crowd of people wondering if I was okay and trying to console me. I was mortified and furious with myself.
I booked it out of there... some of the youth were going for a walk, and I went with them. I was in a foul, self-hating mood. I didn't really want to go for a walk, but I also didn't want to turn down the opportunity to hang out with my church friends. I walked with them for a while and then headed back to my dorm. I went to my room, got ready for bed, and turned off the lights... I had a taize candle & candle holder in my room that a pastor had given me after my emotional episode. I didn't want the damn candle, it was too much of a reminder of the humiliating incident during taize. I took the candle out of my bag and I was going to get rid of it, but I discovered a chip in the glass candle holder. There was a sliver of broken glass in the bottof of the candle holder. I took it out and made a half-hearted attempt at self harm, but it didn't really work. I wasn't trying hard enough; I didn't really want to cut. I threw the broken piece of glass across the room as hard as I could and listened to it bounce off the opposite wall in the dark.
I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new city and whatnot, but it's not all bad. I have hard times still, and I'm really lonely. I'm having fun though... I'm able to spend more time with friends because I'm close to them. I can ride my bike all over town and I have access to the library, my church, GLYS, and various theaters. My faith means everything to me right now. I'm praying a lot for help with my mental illness and giving thanks for my new life.
This morning while I was in the shower, I felt very relaxed. I was very aware of how the water felt running over my skin, and the steam caressing my face. I lifted my hands a little, palms open, and said a prayer for help, for healing, and a prayer of thanks for my move and my good friends. A warm, relaxing shower is a great place for morning prayer and meditation. It's a bit like baptism, I suppose. It's purifying.
I'm going out to see Dark Shadows this afternoon with a friend, and this evening I'm going to an LGBT youth group meeting and then to a presentation at my church... some missionaries who have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe are going to talk to the congregation about their missionary work and experiences.
I just rubbed my eye and probably totally fucked up my eyeliner... great.
Dear readers, I have a favor to ask. A friend of mine has recently come out but he is unsure about his sexuality. Pray for him, send him vibes, keep him in your thoughts - whatever it is you do. He's a great friend and I wish nothing but the very best for him.
Create a beautiful day, guys...
xxx
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