I was at a friend's house and her mother came into her room and gave me a great big hug. Maybe she saw it In my face, or maybe she could tell I was hanging onto her for dear life, but she rubbed my back and said, "Heyyy, it's gonna be ok.." All soft and mom-like. I adore my friend's mother.
I don't want you to think that my parents are bad, or that they don't love me. Its just that I can't seem to get enough love from them. I am constantly hungry for affection and people like her mom make me feel like it's gonna be ok. That's a rare sentiment for me. I kind of collect mothers, I guess,but I want love and care and I feel like I have a huge hole in my chest to fill. I feel so black and empty and small. I have a terrible hunger for affection. I need hugs. The Need is gnawing at my heart, hollowing out my chest. It resides where my lungs used to be and breathes its own frosty, rotting breath into me. I can hear the hollowness behind my sternum; it's a dull thud-thump. I can feel it push on the back of my rib cage and probe its fingers around muscle and bone. I need someone to hold me so I won't fall apart if this Hunger splits me in two. I can't hold myself together. So here's how I do it: I wrap my teddy bear up in my prayer shawl, and crawl into bed and squeeze him tight. Then I pray and imagine I'm spooning with a wonderful, loving wife and I've got our child in my arms. That is what it takes for me to be calm when I'm all alone and I don't have anyone to talk to. I've got it all figured out.
Does that seem weird?
I can't wait for high school to be over. My life in high school is HELL.
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