Musings on mental health & the Connection issue

Written 8/23/2012

It’s very strange how the mind works.  In my numerous and wild experiences with mental illness, the shining beacon in the distance has been happiness.  I know now that it simply isn’t realistic to be totally joyful all of the time.  Even mentally healthy people aren’t that cheerful 24/7.  The goal is not to fix everything, to make everything perfect, to never be sad again.  The goal is simply to be stable and to live in moderation. 

Imagine, if you will, the mind and mood as a sine wave (because this is always how therapists and doctors have demonstrated this to me, not mathematically speaking, but as a visual aid).  Everyone’s mood goes up and down, up and down throughout the day, weeks, and other varying amounts of time depending on the individual, their experiences, and their mental health.  Healthy minds are, to the best of my understanding, like even sine waves.  Their moods travel between neat little hills and valleys.  My mood, however, is more like a tumultuous seismic wave flying way off the Richter scale.  Sometimes my mood swings are fast, which is very frustrating.  Other times I can count on being depressed for quite a while.  If ever my mind gains any resemblance to a tidy little sine wave, I know it will be parallel to, however below that of a healthier person’s mind.  Like I said earlier, stability is the goal, so even if it is a darker, less pleasant stability I will take what I am given and continue to try to focus on the positive. 

 

Seismic Wave:

 

The past week or so has been, emotionally, a blur.  I am stressed out because I’m starting college on Monday, and there is so much to do between now and then to get ready.    I doubt it will be, but I am terrified that it will be like high school – not the social aspect of it, but academically.  In high school I was depressed, unfocused, and self-loathing.  My lack of confidence in myself led me to believe that doing school work was just setting myself up for failure, which would make me feel worse.  I have to try so much harder now to be happy and focused so that I can get my work done.  College is so important to me!  This is the part of my life where maybe my dreams will start to come true.  I just have to keep it together, and not screw everything up. 

I’m looking forward to throwing myself into school and studying because I need something to keep my mind off how confused, depressed, insane, and frightened I am.  I’m confused because I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head, and I feel that I have very little control over my emotions lately.  Being depressed is a given.  I have been depressed since I was a child, so I don’t expect that to change any time soon, if ever.  I say insane because in the unpredictability of my thoughts and emotions, I’ve been doing some very strange things… for a few days this week I was distracted by work, but I was unable to sleep and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing letters, cleaning obsessively, spending hours organizing my shoes and earrings.  I have been living by ‘to-do’ lists because late at night while I’m scrambling to make my room look perfect I am afraid that I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do the next day to continue this charade of perfection, health, and stability. 

Today I didn’t have to work, and it has been a wild ride.  I woke up relatively cheerful, went to therapy and had a wonderfully cathartic session, came home depressed and binged rather than having a normal lunch.  I then when to the library, where I moped in a study room because there was someone on Facebook that I wanted very badly to talk to, but I didn’t have the guts to say hi and didn’t know what I would say if she had time to talk to me.  When I came home from the library this evening I was faced with the decision of going to group and being miserable in the presence of my ex-girlfriend and several people that I really don’t like, or wandering around downtown by myself.  I decided to go downtown.  I had a marvelous time there!  I walked around the street market, ate pizza, a crepe, and two of the most amazing cupcakes I have ever tasted in my life.  I went for a ride on a bike cab, which was utterly ridiculous and made me want to laugh out loud.  I went home feeling blissful and well satisfied with the evening’s adventures. 

Now I am in bed, typing up this post because I feel miserable all over again.  I’m depressed (surprise, surprise) and angry at myself for feeling this way.  I feel pathetic, out of control, and scared because I hate not knowing what will happen next.  What will tomorrow be like? I don’t like having a whole day with no plans , because when I am left to my own devices and trapped in my head things can get very messy. 

Random Fury

Last night when the women at Soul Collage were talking about Generose I became progressively angrier and angrier... I was so mad that I almost got up and walked out.  They kept talking about how nice it is, and I thought, THAT'S BULLSHIT. Most of the nurses treat patients like crap, they don't take care of our personal belongings that we have to surrender upon arrival, and the kids who go in come out worse than they were to begin with.  I've discussed this with many Generose veterans.  We all agree that it's a terrible place and worsens our problems, but we suppress our depression / anger / target behaviors because we will do anything to stay out of there.  Generose really isn't a place to get help or get well; it's just a place to put mentally ill kids away until their parents find a way to deal with them. 

The Soul Collage women changed the subject right when I was thinking I couldn't stand listening to it anymore.  I was SO glad when they stopped talking about it.  I haven't been so mad just from listening to someone talk about a trigger from my past in a long time.  I was FURIOUS.  I wanted to say something, give my two cents, but one of the women is a nurse there.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings or be rude.  She actually seems very nice, but she works with children, not adolescents.  I only remember two kind nurses on the adolescent ward, and there were many, many nurses. 

499 Tweets

Here is a somewhat abridged compilation of all my tweets since I first got my account on March 12, 2010.

I am mostly recovered and feel amazing.  I am shut up in my bedroom with my books and laptop and won’t be leaving till this history day rubbish is DONE.  Can’t wait for summer!  Warm, sun, freedom, music, fashion, and all mine in just a few months.  Why?  I am so jealous of all those blood-donators today.  I wanted to, but am too young.  The second I turn sixteen I’m going out to give blood!  I’m really excited to be all artistic and posh on the field trip tomorrow!  I am worried about Jessa.  Sway with me….when you dance you have a way with me, sway with me!  Good lord, what a weekend… Ran the Fool’s Five today… I’m exhausted!  What a day….cried and cried and cried in band class because I was so scared she was leaving.  LLAMA!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel so special…Miss J trusted me with the keys :D Oh dear… What’s the world coming to?  Fuck it.  I have so much homework, but really all I want to do is finish my sketches for college critiquing so I can become a great fashion designer.  Changing schools….AUGH!  I’m happy in Illinois in a cute ruffly little skirt! J * **** ** ***** ** ***!!!!!!!!!!  Tomorrow’s my last day in Illinois… SAD!!! I’m going to miss everyone!!! But I’m excited to go back to my “homeland.”  My life has been made.  My Halloween shall be quite a dud this year.  Why didn’t I think to take it off work?! Just think of all the candy I’m missing out on!  I’m having a meltdown.  Yay! Time for emergency chocolate.  I just had a game night with grandma.  Very exciting.  I won at scrabble.  I went to Barnes & Noble today. :D I am going to chop off all my hair and donate it.  The only question is … When to do it?  Grawr, damn time difference!  I’m moving to Australia, I swear!  Today is the day I cut off all my hair and donate it.  I’m going for a pixie cut like P!nk’s.  I’m excited! Scholarships, scholarships, scholarships… Higher education, here I come.  Oofta.  Look out fashion world, here I come!!! (I’m feeling very inspired this morning) According to my great aunt, I am Danish royalty, descended from a Danish King’s bastard son and some prostitute he brought to America.  Snow day! Yay! It makes love that much more magical.  I’m exhausted…no joke, I’m gonna drop dead at any second.  Goodnight everyone, sweet drea…zzzzzz  Thank God for music.  Facebook is a cigarette, and Twitter is a nicotine patch.  Either way, I seem to be stuck.  He loves me, but I don’t’ know how to return his affection.  I’m scared that he’ll discover who I am and hate me.  I am a complicated girl.  Got roses from my sort-of-boyfriend.  It’s SO hard but I’m just not able to expend energy necessary for a relationship right now. I’m sorry!  Good morning!  Getting my teeth cleaned today… nothing else terribly exciting happening.  Ouch, ow, hey… that was my heart L I am out of the closet, dears.  Free at last! I’m so tired that nothing makes sense anymore, and everything is random penguin know what I mean? I am sick. Awjoeweirunbdfghruivhnsd. I’m going shopping today! YAY thrift stores! :D Divorce, huh? Why does everything have to be so fucked up! Well, if you get together with HIM now, I’m going to hate him forever.  I HATE THIS! It’s so hard to be happy when those you love are falling apart.  L I wish I could help, Stacie! PARTYPARTYPARTY! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU WHY DID YOU DO IT! Ask me anything. Nobody told me the lemon juice was concentrated :X Having my gf over for dinner to make prom negotiations with my parents. SO NERVOUS! Wish us luck… Guess who doesn’t want to go to work? THIS GIRL! Listening to P!nk music and thinking about Keira with a smile on my face.  Go for a run? Nah. Cardio? Pshhh… Dance party??? HELL YEAH! I’m eating smarties coz I’m a smart ass.  Broken heart, yet again.  I’m on an animal rights spree and loving it!  Join peta2, pretty please.  We can save animals lives and love so many hurt and lonely animals.  I have a new phone with which I can tweet regularly! WOO! To those who insult depression, I hope you suffer from it when you come back for your slower death.  It’s hell. Coffee with my favorite author today!! :D I love theater – it’s such a good time J The day after my birthday is always so lack-luster and depressing.  I think Barak Obama is really great J Armed with my bored supermodel bitch facial expression, I take on the day.  I ate a can of frosting in honor of P!nk’s birthday.  I am suddenly very depressed, and tomorrow is Monday.  This is not good.  I dislike being referred to as a minority. >L I am irrationally happy today… Dreading school…fighting for gay rights and safety in my school makes me feel like I’m butting my head against a wall.  Woooot! Headed to church soon! Midnight on New Year’s: I turned off my phone, rolled over, and cried myself to sleep.  Another year I have to fight thru for some semblance of happiness.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere I’m so socially awkward. L I am addicted to tumblrrrr! Thank God for Lady Gaga! On my way to church, where I’m learning to love myself.  Checking my phone, just waitin fer some love… If you’re gonna f*king rape my best friend, you’re gonna hear from me.  The bus driver is scaring me! He really doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.  He doesn’t seem fit to drive school children around.  Kayla told me I looked beautiful and it made my day J I’m furious with myself.  I have a cold L *sniffle sniffle cough.  I have nothing to be happy about unless a sparkly rainbow unicorn flies me away to Harry Potter Land – the real one, not the one in Florida!  Another Tuesday… :P I need a snuggle hug from Emily.  So much homework L I really love gay kisses but I wish it were me getting them, not the boys in the front seat.  Nah, it’s cool, guys.  It’s not like I need friends or anything.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about bleu cheese dressing.  I hate it when my closest friends repeatedly exclude me.  I hate it when guys grab my ass.  For fuck’s sake I’m GAY! I wish it was appropriate to ask someone – Do you even care how much you’re hurting me?  The thought of going to school makes me sick to my stomach.  I just want to learn, I didn’t ask for all this other shit from my peers.  L  Tee hee, she said I’m hot.. I woke up with a smile on my face, so I must have been dreaming of you. I just might cry or have an anxiety attack when they make me go home L So worn out from being sad.  I need to sleep for days, and I need a snuggle.  I’m all cried out.  Please – wrap your arms around me tight, hold on to me while I cry, tell me it’ll be ok and never lie to me or leave me alone.  Yay! I found someone who appreciates my spontaneous outbursts of song!!! It really fuckin upsets me that my gf smokes, my friends drink and are on weed, and yet they have the nerve to tell me to eat more and not to cut myself.  WTF?! I am going to generose to get help.  I love you all and will call/write when I get a chance.  I am safe, so don’t worry.  Hugs and kisses.  Drew Barrymore = I WANT! High school politics are bullshit.  “Look at the stars instead of the dark. You’ll find your heart is shining like the sun.” It’s not summer, nor is it 2001. If you’re going to wear such a tight shirt, PLEASE put your midriff away! Sometimes I’m too damn eloquent for my own good and I end up making up words and no one has a clue what I’m trying to say.  I really wish I knew what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.  Wtf is Yolo? I’m secretly listening to Pandora in class and fighting the urge to sing along to Adele.  All I want is someone to talk to but I feel like there’s nowhere to turn.  “You don’t have enough toes!!!” Lindsey W., Bahahahahaha… That awkward moment when you’re biting your nails without realizing that it looks like you’ve been sucking your thumb for the past 5 minutes.  Yay for beautiful weather and Lady Gaga music!! I’m driving behind a truck full of innocent, darling pigs who are off to the slaughter house.  My heart is breaking!!!!!  I hung a picture of the fabulous Lady Gaga at eye level in the middle of my wall so I can see her often and be inspired!@  I wish it were socially acceptable to sing “Time warp” at the top of my lungs while using a public restroom.  Energy drinks are just shenanigans in a can. o.O Please don’t use racial slurs.  They make me sad.  I looooove this weather!  I just want some quality sleep… come on. Please? I don’t believe in Facebook relationship statuses.  It just gives people license to ask ridiculous personal questions.  I just know that despite all my studying, I’m not going to know any of these vocab words when the quiz rolls around in a few hours.  I want to tell the world how wonderful and beautiful you are.  I can’t believe I almost lost you, and I’m never going to fuck up like that again! “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” Aristotle knows his shit. J I guess sleep will have to remedy my sorrow tonight, since no one will text me back.  Sometimes I think my life should be a music video… That heartbreaking moment when you realize the friendship is over.  If she won’t keep in touch with me then I’m not gonna follow her on twitter! My sunburn itches L My mom is a head case.  My therapist quit her job.  Life sucks and then you die.  And somewhere in the middle, people are mean, your therapist quits, and you have to suffer through high school.  Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin’ Hallelujah, ain’t it fine? Hallelujah, I’m a-travelin down freedom’s main line! Listening to kids in my grade talk about the stupid senior trip., *rolls eyes* Going to Minneapolis for a day of art and amazing food!!! I always do the breaking so I’m not used to being broken.  I will stay up as late as I want thank-you-very-much! I am a big girl and I can make my own mistakes if I want to.  All I feel like posting are snippets of the lyrics to sad songs but that’s ridiculous so I won’t.  Having a difficult time, are you? Well you’re not the only one, so don’t let it go to your head.  I need to stop telling people that sometimes I hurt myself, because I am discovering that no one actually cares and no one will try to help.  It makes me sad that I have to pay for someone (therapist) to listen to me & care about me. And do they truly care about me? Probably not.  I am so ready for these last three days of school to be over.  My feelings have officially been hurt. Yeah, there will be other opportunities for this, but it just won't be the same. :(  I got my sunglasses on and tears rolling down my face.  Snapple tea makes me feel fancy!  Graduation is on Sunday.  I can’t wait to get it over with!!!!  Last day of school.  Whoop!  I want breakfast in bed.  Prayers for my cousin. He’s in the ER this morning.  Eating disorders are lame.  I don’t recommend them.  Talk to me. Sometimes I want to scream it at you. Just TALK TO ME. Tell me why you have a problem with me. Talk to me about anything. !!!!!!  I've been here for an hour and I'm still trying to decide if you're the type who'd tell me you're gonna be here just to make me feel bad.  Sometimes, when it’s late at night and I’m depressed, I initiate conversations that I end up regretting.  Fantasy: holding hands with you and kissing you while we lay on the grass under the fireworks.  Sitting alone next to strangers, listening to depressing music, and quietly crying because my best friend is moving away across the country.  I’m pretty excited for Bob Dylan to be in Rochester!!! Hope I can afford tickets.  Things to do: cry, shower, cry, sleep, unpack, eat.  When I’m home alone at my grandma’s, singing and cooking, I wish so much that I could afford my own place.  I’m tired.  I need a new job.  In other news, I’m getting my nose pierced next week!  I seriously want to strangle my psychiatrist.  These side effects are torture!  I am out of my mind…I came to the mall at 5:30am to get in line for the grand opening of Forever XXI. 

Dr. Oz 08/07/2012 "Feederism"

Written Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

I. HATE. Doctor Oz.  Every time I see his show it terrorizes me.  His focus is on different ways to lose weight.  It's so triggering! I want to take notes, try out his methods.  I am so tempted to fall back into my disordered eating habits and start losing weight again.  I hate Doctor Oz and I need to stop watching it.

Today's show is truly horrifying to me. The guests on the show are "feederists," women who want more than anything to be fat.  They want to be the fattest women in the world.  They get off on it, they think their enormous bodies are beautiful. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be judgemental or critical of them. Kudos to them for their self-confidence. The thing is, they don't think their bodies or eating habits are unhealthy.

That's their choice, that is what this episode of Dr. Oz is focusing on; however, from an eating disordered point of view these women are monsters.  They are my worst nightmare.  Seeing them and their pride for being large turns me off to food and eating. I feel threatened.  I feel enormous.  I want to starve.

I don't want to come off as being bitchy.  Recognizing that these women are my worst fears personified makes me feel so mean.  I am scared and confused by these women.

I want to over compensate for the extra weight I carry.  I am 5'7" and weight 127 pounds.  I have gained four pounds in the past month.  I am admittedly the exact weight I should be, maybe even a little under.  A counselor at church camp last week even told me she though I look like I am under 120 pounds (I wish!). I just don't always see that I am a good size.  I am scared of my body.  Sometimes I don't know how to feed myself.

How do y'all eat like it's no big deal?  Aren't you terrified?  I am hyper aware of what I eat and what the consequences of my eating may be.  I am terrified of gaining weight.

This is all I can say on this topic for now, or I will end up talking in circles.